Mom in the cockpit

Are you talking to me? Who do you think you talking to you stupid cocksucker, fuckin fuck-

Melvin? Are you on the phone?

Yes. I'm talking to my friends.

Ok. Do I know their mothers?

I play online with them. Don't worry about it.

Ok, text me if you need anything.

I will, mom.

Alright where was I.You. Talking to me? Come on keep the flow going. Are you. Talking to me. I better write this down.

Would you like burgers for dinner?

Mom, did you say something?

Melvin, open your door. I said do you want burgers for dinner?

Yeah that sounds great, thanks.

What are you whispering? I can hear you through the window.

Mom, don't spy on me. I know my rights. Respect my privacy.

Sorry but it's not like I could help overhearing. Close the window this time 

I'll do you one even better I'll lock the door.

Alright honey I promise not to eavesdrop on your gaming session.

Oh man, I need a minute. 

# caresses poster in awe #

You're a legend, everything I'm not. I'll never be as good. The way you cuss… I would do anything to study under you, to learn the offending dark arts. And that headshot is so badass with the black and white, the flowing mullet, the penetrating gaze.

You ass-munching, vagina-faced foreigners. You people of other races…

# sigh, texts mom #

There's my hungry little man. I got you a new bottle of sauce too. What's wrong?

It's nothing really. I'll be fine.

Come on, take a bite and you'll feel better. Is it Christine again?

Mom…

Say what you want but if she can't see what a beautiful boy you are she doesn't deserve you.

It's not Christine, it's something else. Great, now I have two things that bum me out.

Is it the Star Trek ship?

It's Star Wars thank you very much. No, I built the shuttle last night. It turned out perfectly, see?

Oh, how pretty. What does this tiny ball do?

Don't touch the cockpit! It's prone to breaking.

Sweety I haven't been in one of those since college. It's how I met your dad.

Ew, mom, could you not? I'm having a hard time expressing myself and you're out here cracking jokes.

You know what helps me when I'm stuck in a runt? I listen to music. Oh the way Iglesias sings…it's like an angel sweeps me off my feet and takes me high above the clouds. Where are your CDs?

Mom, I stream it. 

Oh my, such angry music. It sounds like construction noise and babies, it's awful. You need something with more lyrics.I think your dad has some.

Dad? This I gotta see. What are these?

Vinyls. Here, this was popular back in the day. 

What language is that? Wait, I can pick up a few words but he talks so fast. Oh my God, it rhymes.

It’s rap. Pretty cool huh? Your father used to pick me up in his car and he’d blast fu- er I mean obey the police and other nice songs.

Thanks mom, can I take this to my room? I think this will inspire me.

# wears hoodie, pants on the ground #

Mom’s spaghetti, chop you up with my machete, toss confetti on you Eddie don't wanna hear you plead, your cries only feed my need, bust you up, grind you to rust, have you combust, all that's left is dust, roll it up, smoke and choke, clogged my lungs but now I speak in tongues, your destruction by these hands just expands my sentience. 

# heavy breathing, looks up at poster #

I'll make you proud, master. I now see the error of my way: to write such edgy masterpieces I must live the life, to embrace the darkness, to be cynical and mysterious. All this time I was faking it but no more. This is the dawn of a new-

# bing #

Oh shit it's Christine. Should I say how's it going? No. I'll say: WHAT? Like this with all caps, that will get her attention. I just wanted to see if you are ok. If I'm ok? She stood me up on our date, I spent a month allowance on those tickets. I'll write: I'm chilling. What is it you need? No, why are you bugging me? Ha, now she's sorry? Well it's too late for that. I'll soon be dripping in bitches I don't need you anymore. Let me write this: it wouldn't have made a difference if you showed up. The show was lame, everyone in that crowd a dumbass. I left early and got coffee. No, I bailed and drank coffee by the cemetery gates. Yes, that will do just fine. She asks if I was scared alone at the cemetery in the middle of the woods? I'll text: nothing compared to the fear of knowing we all die one day. Boom! I bet her head is spinning. What the… # rubs eyes # does she want me to come over? Maybe to talk some more but up close. Her parents must be home - 

# bing # 

Oh crap she's home alone. Her folks are in another state and won't be home till tomorrow? She wants me to help her with her geography? Wait, now she just bought a new Halloween costume and wants to wear it for me? She wants to be my pinky ring? Let me just google that, OH MY GOD. I gotta get out there.

Hi son. How are you? Who's that mullet guy on your wall?

Dad please I don't have time to explain. Please can you give me some money?

Hold on son: are you buying drugs? Ha, I'm joking. Here, take it all. # rubs his head grinning #

Thanks dad, you're the best.

# storms out of the house #

Honey, what is our little boy up to?

Don't know. The only time I ran like that is when your parents were in another state.

Oh John, remember our pinky promise?

# kiss kiss #