Friends

I watched them walk through the hall ways, all of them laughing and smiling about something that I wasn’t invited to know. I used to walk with her too. Just me, her, and a few others, not this huge throng of more than a dozen people. I guess she forgot about me, drifted away. They were all so much better than me. I don’t blame her for ditching me. I could never match their grades, style and talent seemingly for everything. Nothing about them. I remember last year, I had just stopped going over to sit with her. I didn’t care about her other friends. They were perfectly nice people. They just hated me, and honestly, I’d get less stares if I was a loner rather then being the odd one out, standing on the edge of the group, no one paying attention to me. Unless it was the occasional frown of confusion followed by recognition, followed by annoyance. She had given me a smile. That was the last time I ever met her eye. I just left. It didn’t hurt. I had lost her a long time ago anyway. I’m not even sure if I ever really enjoyed hanging out with her before when we were actually friends, it was like I was just a character in her story, meant to be forgotten about after a few chapters or so. I didn’t really mind, I liked not being the center of attention, but I guess it did hurt when people would walk past her and say hi, mention her name, then push past me like I wasn’t even there. I remember when she was younger, she said she was going to be a star, famous, that everyone would know her name. She said I could come to, and when I asked her what I would to she said I could be her agent, or her chauffer. Something like that anyway. I had loved that idea. But now I realise that that will never happen. I mean she will be famous, I know that, just the part about me being there with her is never going to happen. I also realise that was never what I wanted. I had never even considered that I was just trailing after her, copying her. All I had wanted to be there with her. I wanted to be just like her. I truly admired her. I don’t know if I still do, I guess in some ways, like her grades, her ability to brush everyone’s opinions off, even though everyone adores her now.  She has probably lost that trait by now actually. It's be so long since anyone has so much as uttered a bad word about her. I think the last time was in grade five when someone said she was bad at basketball. Of course, she’s good at it now.

I tell myself I don’t miss her. That I don’t need her. That I don’t admire her. It isn’t true and I know it. Sometimes I still cry about it. God that sounds so stupid. It’s been two years since I realised she didn’t care about me anymore. I’m pathetic I know. But it really used to feel like she was the only one who truly understood me and I thought I was the only one who understood her. Obviously, that was a load of crap. Sometimes I wonder if the whole time we were “friends” she was just humoring me. but then I remember how she used to tell me absolutely anything, and how she always invited me to anything even if the other person said they didn’t want me there. so yeah, I guess she really just got bored of me, it’s as simple as that and I hate it.

I slammed my locker shut and tore my eyes away from her. I glanced down at my timetable for the day and continued down the hall to my first class, swerving in and out of the other students who didn’t even acknowledge my existence as per usual. I switched my eyes to the floor for a split second and someone inevitably ran into me, sending my stuff all over the ground. "Seriously" I mumbled. The halls were starting to dissipate and I was going to be late. I knelt down and began putting all of my supplies in a pile so I could carry them without dropping them while running. Someone handed me something. I paused for a moment before taking it quickly uttering a quick thanks. I assumed it was one of the secretaries. I looked up. Crap I thought. It's her. She probably hasn’t realised who I am yet. I keep my head and eyes down and focus on collecting my notes. “No hello?” she says. Oh god she has realised. I don’t know what she is playing at. “Hi then” I say rather sarcastically.  I need to stop that, people think[RM1]  I’m just being rude. “Hi” she replies. She hands me my last book. I get up and pick up my stuff and stand up. “Thanks” I say. I start walking but she stops me. Oh no what is it now. “Hey, do you want to hang out, after school. You know, like we used to, when we were younger?” “What go to your house and play with toy cars and pretend to be princesses” There I go again with the sarcasm. I know she is probably joking, its just some dare her friends made her do. I watch her face as she looks down as I wait for a response. I roll my eyes. I’m about to start walking when she speaks. “its not a joke Elli” I look at her shocked. “Oh” is all I can manage. She hasn’t talked to me in years. what's changed? “I’m going to take that as a yes then?” She says “Yeah… yeah I mean I guess if you actually want to” “Great” She smiles at me and I start to remember why I missed that so much. She turns around and jogs off to whatever class she is late to. I just stood there, stunned. I had not expected that. At all. Maybe she had missed me and I just hadn’t realised though my own jealousy.

 [RM1]