First Day Jitters

First Day Jitters

The noise was intense. Between the constant ticking of her clock and the thumping of her heart, Addy could not fall asleep. She rolled over and peeked out from under her covers. 2:25 A.M. The moonlight cascading in through her blinds. 

Excitement and nerves overwhelmed her senses. How would the first day of ninth grade go? A new school. All new teachers. No friends. So many fears. 

Bile rises up in her throat. Addy leaps out of her bed, rushing through the bedroom door. Fuzzy socks sliding along the newly steamed hardwoods in the hallway. Bracing herself along the wall, avoiding a fall that would humiliate. No crutches to begin the new year.

Regaining her balance, Addy rushes through the bathroom, crouches down to the cold, hard toilet seat. Shaky fingers clutch the sides. A coiled curl plops out of her headband onto the toilet. Addy lurches forward and vomits up her late night dinner. Exhausted. Heaving. Drained. Stressed.

“Addy, get your shit together,” she says, wiping a cool washcloth over her cheeks.

On wobbly knees, she pushes herself up and off of the floor. Her eyes meet the ones looking back at her in the mirror. Dark circles forming under her lids. Flushed cheeks. Not the face of confidence. 

Addy lingers in the bathroom for a few moments. She contemplates returning to the incessant ticking of her clock or heading downstairs for a quick snack. Which one will help to ease the worries of tomorrow? Realizing heading to bed at this moment will not help her sleep, she wanders down the stairwell into the dark kitchen. 

Addy rummages through three cupboards before she finds a hidden stash of chocolates. Probably not the smartest decision. She pulls four miniature candies from the bag, and rips open the orange wrapper. The first bite oozes chocolate and peanut butter. Bliss, at least for this moment. The next two don’t go down as smoothly. Leaving a knot in her throat.

“Bad idea,” Addy says as she tosses the fourth piece back into the cabinet.

Slowly, she walks over to her laptop bag. Slides out the hard black computer and opens it up. She signs in to her new school email address, and scrolls through her daily schedule. 6 classes and 2 study halls. Not too bad. She can handle this. She reads through the schedule one last time, slides her finger down the monitor, and closes the laptop. Shaking, she places it back into the bag and sighs.

“Another first day at a new school,” Addy sobs. “My last first day at a new school. I can feel it. This place will be my place.”

Addy walks through the first floor rooms checking that lights are turned off, throwing away all of her wrappers. Hoping to leave no evidence of her late night panic. 

Heavy legs climb the single flight of stairs. Feelings of exhaustion and fear hit her as soon as she reaches her bedroom door. Slowing as she nears her bed. Climbing in quietly, she raises her bedspread up to her neck. Her body molds into the cool satin sheets. She breathes in deep. Anxiety slowly washing away. Calmness finally taking over. She closes her eyes. Relaxes her body. And drifts off to sleep.

***********

A ringing sound startles Addy. She jumps straight up, blinking her eyes open. Sunlight flickers through her blinds. She shakes the fog from her brain and focuses on finding her phone. She shuts down her alarm. A yawn escapes. 5:30 AM. It feels as though she hasn’t slept at all.  Probably because she hasn’t.

Addy begins her new morning routine. The new school this year has an earlier arrival time. First class begins at 7:15. Addy quickly showers and changes into her first day outfit. The outfit she spent hours contemplating yesterday. The minute she places her shoes on her feet, indecision strikes. Is this the perfect outfit to show everyone she is ready for a new year? Should she wear the yellow skirt instead? So many thoughts. Addy shakes out her worries and looks into the mirror. “No, this is it. No more stress,” she huffs as she blows an unruly curl out of her eyes.

Addy wanders down the quiet stairway and into the kitchen. Nobody else is here. A note is visible on the refrigerator. She reads it aloud,

Addy,

I hope you have a great first day. No more jitters! Go do great things and show everyone the extremely awesome person you are. You got this! Conquer your moment.

Love M

Addy sighs and smiles. Knowing that she has someone in her corner rooting her on today eases some of her anxiety. Anxiety that can sometimes control her thoughts, moods and actions. Anxiety that overwhelmed her at her last school. Anxiety that sometimes causes her to withdraw from the world around her. But, NOT today. Today she will take deep breaths and find a path to calm. Today she will overcome her obstacles. Today she will show everyone that this is her year, this will be her place. This is her time. 

Addy unhooks the note from the fridge and folds it three times into a small square. She slides it into her front pocket, a reminder that she can do this. Addy continues on with her routine, eating a small bowl of yogurt, her stomach rumbling. She grabs a granola bar for her first break of the day, hoping her appetite will be there later.

Addy checks her laptop bag one last time, making sure it is packed fully with her needs. She grabs her packed lunch from the refrigerator. All set for the day. Time to go.

*********

Addy reaches the front of her new school early. She exhales, excited and exhausted. She begins to climb the daunting staircase to the brick building. This school is much larger than her last. She opens the large metal door and searches for her lanyard. She slides it over the security monitor and listens for the click. She opens the large doors and walks through. She steps lightly to the main office.

“Addy! Welcome. Come in. Principal Myers would like to speak with you,” Mrs. Morris, the secretary says.

“Oh, hi. Yes, ok. Is she in her office?” Addy asks.

“Go right in. She is waiting.”

Addy walks through the open door. “Ms. Myers, you asked to see me?” 

“Aww, yes Addy. Come in. Come in. Good morning!” Ms. Myers sing-songs.

“Morning.”

“I just wanted to have a quick check in with you. See how you are feeling. I know first day jitters can sometimes get even the most seasoned of us. Are you doing well this morning?”

“Yes, I am good. A little wobbly at first. Now, I am ready.” Addy says, confidence increasing with each word.

“Good, good I’m glad. You have some tough ones today. Some that will need guidance and support. They also will need to know they are not alone. Sometimes just a reminder that everyone has struggles to overcome helps. Do you understand that?”

“Yes, Ms. Myers. I get that very well.”

“I thought you might. Well go have a great day Addy. I think you will shine this year as the new ninth grade science teacher. A bright light for all of our students. Yes, I think you will fit into the ninth grade group quite well.”

“Thank you. Thank you so much,” Addy says, smiling. She wipes a small tear from her eye. “I definitely think this will be my year.”

Addy turns and walks out of the office. She confidently finds her way to her classroom. Her name placard hangs on the door. Mrs. Grimes. She touches the lettering. Turns the knob and walks into her classroom. Her phone rings as she unpacks her laptop. “M” shows on the screen.

“Mark, hey babe,” she says into the receiver.

“Addy, sorry I had to leave early today to make the flight. I’m through security now though. I just wanted to make sure you were ok.”

Addy frowns, knowing Mark worries too much about her and her anxiety. “I’m good. Just got to my new room. And I don’t know. Something feels different. This will be a good year.”

“I know it will be Addy. This school fits you. You are a great teacher. Just remember that! I bet half of your students spent their night stressing as much as you did last night. Maybe that’s something to remember. Kids and teachers. All of you get first day jitters.”

“Thank you Mark. See you Saturday when you get home.”

“Love you. Go do great things!”

Addy ends the call. All of you get first day jitters. A connection. A simple statement that means so much. An opening to begin a new school year. She walks up to her white board and records, 

“Welcome to Mrs. Grimes class. If you have a worry about school, share it here and we can talk about it as a team. Remember, everybody gets first day jitters.”

  Then Addy sits at her new desk and waits for the first bell to ring.