Blurs of Explosion

Trigger Warnings: Self-Harm, Suicide, Brief Self-Violence, Mental Health Discussion, Drug Abuse Mention, Explicit Language (non-sexual)

Part One- December 31st, Evening

He stands in front of me, blood trickling from his wrists to his fingertips. The crimson red liquid forms a pool below him. He looks at me with eyes of grief, fear, hatred, and ecstasy. I feel somehow envious of his nature: he gets to leave, while I have to live the rest of my life, forever clearing his life’s errors. And yes, I know that I don’t have to, but it’s my fault that he’s made this decision.

As I take a wary step towards him, I almost entertain a dangerous thought- I think about just letting him bleed out. The longer he lives, the longer I put my aspirations and my own life on hold. Yet, I take off my shirt and tie it around both of his wrists. Once the ambulance arrives, I throw myself on to his messy bed. I set an alarm to remind me about the puddle of blood that needs cleaning. Forcing away the burgeoning tears, I focus on the one thing I haven’t properly achieved this week: sleep.

I find myself cannonballing into an opaque lake. The same lake near dad’s cabin. As I drift under the water, I decide to let myself fall under. Taking in the wonderous silence, I come to the realization that this quietness is what I’ve been longing for. With how unfulfilling and disastrous life has been, tranquil moments like this have been few and far between. I observe the stillness of the calming waves; I can still feel the comforting warmth of the sun, as it beams onto me; I harness the peaceful energy the earth is currently surrounding me with.

Suddenly, I find myself losing the oxygen in my lungs. As I begin swimming to the top, I feel a pressure pushing me in the opposite direction. As my lungs begin contracting and my mouth inches open, water gradually enters the cracks of my mouth. My heart pulses faster and faster with each second and my lungs begin to give in. My ears make an alarming sound and I find myself screaming in anguish…in my dad’s bed.

Angel is sitting on the bed, at my feet, with a look of concern. “When did you get here,” I ask him. “Hello to you too, ‘cabron’! I’ve only been here for a little while. I cleaned the hallway floor,” he responds. I’m not surprised. Helping people is in his nature. I’m not mad either, but I can’t help but feel disrespected. “I’m more than capable of cleaning up after my father, I don’t need help.” Although it came out more negative than I had intended, I’m not one for apologizing. Well, that is, unless I’m apologizing on behalf of my family.

“I know that you are capable, but I’m not sorry for helping in any way that I can.” He looks at me with a realization. “Happy New Year’s Eve!” I can’t believe I forgot about New Year’s Eve. I don’t recall making plans. “How about we get crossfaded and watch the annual fireworks at the ballpark tonight?” I grimace at the suggestion. “Unless you have other plans…like sulking in your dad’s bloodstained comforter.” I make a cheery face at his sarcastic disposition. “Get your ass up, Marlon! I’m taking you to the fireworks.”

11:59- I see myself diving into a murky lake. Determined to touch the base, I persevere until I reach the bottom. Its muddy touch soothes me to the core. After a moment, I decide to come back up for air. 10: Angel looks at me with sincerity. 9: The pressure against me is familiar. 8: He takes my chin in his warm, quietly trembling, hands. 7: I find my legs suddenly motionless. 6: “My New Year’s resolution for you is to heal. Sometimes, I fear that you forget to take care of yourself, because you’re so busy with the rest of the world’s trauma,” he says to me. 5: I accidentally gasp, sending a small amount of water into my mouth. 4: “Why do you put yourself on some pedestal,” I snap back. “Stop acting like you’re some sort of fucking saint. And I don’t need advice from someone like you! Didn’t you force your sister out of your house and do nothing when she ended up overdosed on street drugs. 3: The water becomes darker, and my legs cramp up. 2: “You know what, I’m fucking done” Angel tells me. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to come out like that,” I tell him. “No, you don’t even understand. I’m not going to keep trying to convince you that your life is worth improving. I’m not your savior Marlon. At one point, you have to change on your own. Make that your New Year’s resolution. When you convince yourself that you’re special, you can apologize to me. Until then, have fun pushing people out of your life.” 1: I find myself letting go, as life becomes a mere inconvenience. 0: For some reason, I force a kiss onto Angel. I find myself being pulled to the dock, as a mysterious force resuscitates me.

As the culmination of fireworks, failed romance, Angel’s full face of disappointment, life, depression, my dad’s suicide attempt; the sudden exposure of crucial oxygen, the piercing sound of nature, the memories of death’s door, my mysterious savior; blast in my ears, I feel a sensation that I never want to experience again.

Blurs. Of. Explosion.

Part Two- One Year Later: December 31st, Evening

Marlon Grimes Sr. is motionless on his hospital bed. This is the first time in a while where I’ve truly seen him at peace. For the first time, he’s calm and isn’t blaming me for the way his life has turned out. I’m not being told how much of a burden I’ve always been. I’m not being hit by anything within his reach. I’m not disappointing him with my queerness. How crazy is it that anyone can look at this unconscious man and assume that he’ll be dearly missed? Anyone can look at this man and feel bad for him. Anyone can assume the best of this man. Anyone can come to the conclusion that he made himself go through his depression alone, in an effort to shield his loved ones from what he saw as a burden.

Anyone, except me. I’m done playing fake for the nurses. Marlon Grimes Sr. was a bad father, husband, and son. Marlon Grimes Sr. has left me with trauma that I’ll never get to forget. Marlon Grimes Sr. used his mental health as a way to keep me tied to him. I am relieved that Marlon Grimes Sr. is finally gone and can never hurt another soul anymore. As I walk out of the hospital room with hope for a better future, I realize the one thing that I’ll never let Marlon Grimes Sr. take from me again: my dignity.

I take in the view of what surrounds me. The greens of nature mix well with the blues of nature. The waters below me give me feelings of nervousness, but I know that I have to succeed in going in and out on my own. It won’t be easy, but it will be necessary. That unknown figure, I learned, was dad. My therapist and I came to the conclusion that my consciousness was keeping my dad and the trauma along with that, tethered to me. This time, I can’t let my trauma take hold of me. It’s time I confront my life’s struggles with the new perspective I have gained.

Heading over to the ballpark for the fireworks, my mind plays back the year. This year has been crucial for me. I’ve begun to heal myself in ways I never thought possible. I’ve built a schedule for going to therapy. And I’ve let myself be vulnerable with Angel. In fact, today’s my first proper date with Angel. I catch a glimpse of Angel in the bleachers, a toothy smile filling the sides of his face.

11:59- I see myself diving into a lake, clearer this time. Determined to touch the base, I persevere until I reach the bottom. Its muddy touch soothes me to the core. After a moment, I decide to come back up for air. 10: Angel looks at me with sincerity. 9: This time, the pressure against me is weak in comparison to my stronger body. 8: He takes my chin in his warm, quietly trembling, hands. 7: I feel free as I glide through the azure-blue waters. 6: “I’m proud of you, Marlon,” he whispers into the crease of my neck. 5: I accidentally gasp, sending a small amount of water into my mouth. 4: “Why,” I say in a bit of resistance against his compliment, before biting back the response with a quick “Sorry”. 3: I catch a string of light in my view. 2: As I let my mouth slightly ease open, he comes in for the kiss. 1: I find myself bursting the surface of the wall separating me from the rest of the world, as I breathe in the air. 0: I realize that I found the strength to persevere on my own, finally achieving my New Year’s resolution. I kiss Angel with such a determinedness that I’ve forgotten how to breathe, as I realize I’ve been holding my breath. Pulling away, I tell him “Happy New Year!”

As the culmination of fireworks, romance, life, success, and my dad’s death; the sun, waves, birds, nature, breeze; ring true in my ear, I realize what these moments truly are:

blurs. of. explosion.