The Journal

Don't you think it's kind of extra to keep gratitude journals, seriously I don't even want to think about it. I don't  like the word gratitude. It is a contradiction in my life.  Who does that? Who wastes their time with gratitude journals? Not me! 

What's wrong with people who have to search so hard to find something positive. I don't have to make any effort to think about the darkness. What about a thankless journal? I could knock one of those out in no time.  If they only knew. 

I wake up every day deciphering reality from the horrible dreams I experience every night.  That's not something I want to write down to remember later or ever will. I'm running from it all, far from it. The mere thought of gratefulness or looking deep into my soul terrifies me. 

I don't know. Maybe the fear of continuing my life in this state can get me running in a different direction. I can't keep reliving this nightmare everyday. Why is it, the more I don't want to write in this journal the more I'm pulled into it. It's like a force stronger than the darkness. 

Dang. Now I can't stop thinking of the journal and how I don't want to write not a single word in it. At the exact same time, that's leading me to think about why. Then I start reflecting and digging deep. That means change. I don't want change. I just…

Okay. Maybe I can think of just one thing I might at least be content about. It's going to take a lot of effort to get a single fluffy happy sweet thought to emerge from my mind. Maybe I'll dream about it, then wake up with a new life.  Then again everything could just stay the same. I could live in this recurring horrific state.  How do I even decide? How will I know if I should? Why is it that I don't?  I've had enough. Back to reality. 

So much for all that pondering.  I've got to get to work. Wait, did I just write in a journal? Does it count if I only said it out loud? I'm not sure. Why did my childhood friend mention this idea?  Furthermore, what got into me that I considered the possibility?  So many questions and so little time. I’m beginning to think that could be the reason I’ve begrudgingly considered writing down  anything. 

I'm headed out. Until we meet again, gratitude journal. This is a classic love-hate relationship. I'll revisit this another day. It's so bizarre. It's something I can't not think about. Have you ever wondered about tomorrow, while avoiding the yesterdays?

A few weeks passed. My life continues to be mundane, empty, burdensome and discouraging. Yet,somehow a little piece of hope wormed its way into my thoughts. I’ve heard hope can do that in the most unexpected ways.  I have not ever experienced this before.  Like I said, bizarre! It’s an unreal process of learning to recognize the smallest treasures. I hope it's worth it.

I actually reached out to my friend that suggested I write, wait I almost can't say it, “a gratitude journal”. He's always been my best friend, my greatest encourager. I asked him to meet with me so we could talk about why I'm struggling. This is a milestone in itself. I can't believe I was brave enough to reach out, let alone admit I was struggling. Journal, is this real?

He said yes! I think he has always known I’ve battled with finding hope in the life I’ve had.  He’s been a family friend through all my ups and mostly downs. He knows and has been a constant friend in my life.  My crazy life or not, the bright side is that we officially have a date. I can be thankful for that. He's been my best friend forever. There's one thing to be thankful for: my best friend and I can connect on a deeper level. Could it be fate? He's always been one of my favorite people. Through this process I’m learning how limited time is.  I know it’s important to be real and upfront about how I feel.  I’ve suppressed so much.  This new found hope is making me brave.  I am not as afraid to go to sleep at night. My pondering still has darkness, sadness, fear, but it also has light with hope.  Thank you my best friend, my rock, my confidant.

I have to wait about a week until this said date happens.  Maybe I will be able to thank him in person for the journal suggestion.  Moreover the way he continues to impact  my life and affect my soul.  We're going to meet over coffee at this really cool shop.  It's my favorite because it is a colonial house that was converted into a coffee shop. A place I feel at home, cozy, warm and loved.  Guess that’s truly the same way I see my best friend too.

Journal you are very interesting. 

I'm noticing more reasons to be thankful. Small things seem to lead to enormous possibilities, if you just let it. Hey journal, I am beginning to take baby steps away from sadness. I'm looking forward to meeting up with my best friend. Thank you journal. 

Liam is my best friend's name. We've been friends since I can remember. Now I'm anticipating this date at the coffee shop and not drowning in my bad dreams. I'm actually kind of nervous in a way. I'm not really sure he even knows how I feel about him. I've always hidden my affection and respect for him because I was afraid of losing him.

Tomorrow is the day. Coffee here we come. I walk into the coffee shop and there's Liam standing there. If it wasn't for him suggesting I write this gratitude journal, I don't know where I'd be. I realize when I face all my fears, in the middle of all that, I can find at least one thing to be thankful for. Oh my gosh, am I digging in, reflecting, I'm getting in touch with myself? I never thought that would happen. Journal, you are the best.

Maybe Liam knew all along. I'm beginning to think he has always known. He did this to challenge me to overcome this nightmare I've been living in. Okay I need to get out of my head and walk up to Liam. Should I give him a hug? How do I look?  Here goes nothing. “Hi Liam, so nice to see you”. His smile is like a fresh new day. That day everything changed. “Let's grab some lattes and catch-up.” 

We spent hours reminiscing, talking about what's ahead and what isn't. I told him all about my resistance to journaling as a whole. I poured out my heart about my fears. I think it's the beginning of something new. I'm going to look for one thing in the middle of all the chaos that I can be thankful for. Liam, on the other hand, he's a whole other story. Good night journal. 

Let me circle back to that day, Liam suggested I write a gratitude journal. I had no idea what was ahead. I clearly resisted the idea of any of it. I guess I could say I'm thankful for my best friend caring. Without that risk he took, there might not be a future for us or for me. I was in a dark place and couldn't get out of it. I was brave enough to tell him he is my rock, my best friend and my confidant. That was a good day. Journal, you are amazing!

I still wake up questioning why, wondering the what ifs and the whatnots. My dreams have become brighter. I finally resisted my pride and  bought my journal. Not only did I buy a fancy inspirational notebook but I started writing down one thing, just one, that I'm thankful for each day. I mean I can't stop resisting something I never wanted to do. 

Then there's Liam. Our coffee dates continue each week. I'm beginning to feel even more at home with him. I know for certain the feelings are mutual.  He and I remain best friends, maybe a little bit more. He's at least one of the many reasons I’m thankful for while my heart is filled with more hope. 

Everything started in the middle of a bad dream. Who says people can't change? I'm thankful for bad dreams and best friends.. What about you? Is there anything you're thankful for? You might want to write it down. You won't be disappointed. Life happens - I have left the dark side.