Swirl

“I can never get it out of my head. The way that nurse treated me. So rude. I want the blinds open, but she is in a rush, putting me off and not doing what I asked!”

“It’s a new nurse every three days. So, you try to get to know them, and “Uh huh” is all you hear. They never get to know you. Useless. I hate what I am becoming. The sort of person that puts everyone off.”

“Maybe I need a working body to be good! A good person, whatever that is.”

“Stop fretting, Mom!” sighed Mia. “I’m sure Olivia will come to see you!”

#

Mia was having trouble with a hospital vending machine.

“Just use a credit card,” Daniel suggested.

“But it’s already eaten all my quarters!” gasped Mia.

“The quarters you don’t use anymore. Good riddance!”

“I was hoping to give all my coins to a worthy cause…”

The chip bag wobbled and slowly dropped, falling through the chute to the bottom.

“It’s a guaranteed drop, or your credit card is not charged. So much better than using coins,” said Daniel.

“Oh, you know everything!”

#

The twins are identical. But not Olivia. I could always tell them apart. Mia was dominant. She was born first. Then Olivia.

Those were the happiest days of my life. What a thing to say! That you will not have any happier days! You have bought your last car, vacuum, and washing machine. When you are old, it’s simple to figure out when you have probably done something for the last time.

Now I want to talk, but no one is here. It must be the middle of the night. It is the only time a hospital even begins to be quiet. I could ring the bell to get the night nurse. Maybe it's that young one again, so idealistic and perfect. She was so happy to do everything right. She knows so little about life.

Is there a God? I stare out the window and wonder at the stars and how beautiful life can be. But no one is here with me, so maybe there is no God. Would God let me die alone and unloved?

I pray just a little. Please, God, let me be with my children when I go!

#

“You just don’t see, do you? We’ve got to change the funeral arrangements!” yelled Mia, wiping her eyes with a tissue. “And that Olivia is so useless! She won’t even return my texts!”

“Maybe she is finding this hard,” suggested Daniel.

“Oh, you always have the right answer! It’s not your mother who is dying!”

At that point, the funeral director, who was at the doorway, cleared his throat. I’m here now. He seemed to be saying.

Mia laid her crumpled tissue on the table and thought better of it. She put it in her purse and sighed.

The funeral director took a seat. Not behind the table but on the side, nearer “the family,” as the best promotional literature said. To show appropriate sympathy and compassion. We mustn’t forget that.

“I’m very sorry for what you both are going through,” he began as he laid the funeral arrangements on the table, facing Mia and Daniel. They were in bright, full-color folders, crisp and new. Flowers. Lots of them. The funeral director had his papers in a plain brown folder.

“As you can see, your mother chose this plan…”

“That’s what we are here to talk to you about,” interrupted Mia. “Sorry! But we need to get to the point here. The estate can’t afford this funeral.”

“It's true that your mother opted not to make payments on this plan. Do you have power of attorney?”

“Yes.”

“We can make other arrangements. I would be happy to go through this with you.”

#

It was such a beautiful day at the park. The weather was perfect. The twins were galloping on those plastic horses with springs.

“I wish I could sell a day like this! It would be a money maker for sure!” my husband said.

I saw myself laugh. “Oh, you would, would you! Why not leave off for a day, at least? Your job will still be there when you go back!”

“Have you looked at our bills lately?”

“No. That’s your job.”

“I won’t be able to retire if this keeps up.”

“Can you live in the present? Just for today?”

I remembered the sweet smell of the grass and the beautiful tulips the most. Like these flowers by my bed…

Mom! We’re here! Wake up!”

#

“Parking! Twenty-six dollars every day! Ridiculous! Let me park in one of the side streets!"

“Daniel! Will you give it a rest?’ demanded Mia. “I’m not walking a mile on these city streets! Besides, do you want to have to go and move the car every two hours?”

“Do you know what twenty-six dollars a day is over a week?” replied Daniel. “One hundred and eighty-two dollars! How about I drop you close to the hospital and then park the car and take care of it myself? I’ll split what we save with you!”

#

I’m never hungry now. People like to feed me, but I just turn away. When I’m awake, that is. And I wish people would leave me alone more! All I want to do is sleep…

What a handsome man my husband is! All dressed up in that tuxedo he used to wear years later in the semi-professional choir he sang in. The weather wasn’t too hot for an August day. Back then, the church wasn’t air-conditioned, but nobody seemed to mind.

We were joined in the vows of holy matrimony, and I wore white, a thousand dollars for a dress that got worn only once—such a vital extravagance.

Then, it was the honeymoon we couldn’t afford. To Europe. And back, with a new look on life. Everything was possible. Nothing was too much trouble except maybe childbirth. It hurt so much…

“What are you doing?”

“Changing your IV, sorry it will hurt a bit,” said that nurse who usually worked nights.

“Do you think it matters?” I moaned.

She didn’t answer.

#

“Should we get a priest now?” asked Mia in the cafeteria. “Mom might like that.”

Daniel laughed. “She hasn’t been to church in a dog’s age. And she is not asking for a priest either.”

“I’ve got to try and call Jonah and Olivia again. Could you try it this time? I think Olivia has blocked my phone number. Possibly Jonah, too.”

“Sure. I’ll do it right now. But I think you should leave off on that priest business.”

“Why?”

“It’s all hocus pocus and nonsense. When we die, we die. It's over.”

“I don’t believe that. Neither does Mom.”

“Suit yourself. Do you want me to call Jonah and Olivia now?

“No, please don’t. I need a minute.”

#

“Daddy! Look, I made this for you!” The first Valentine that I made myself. Kindergarten. I had scribbled all my love on it, but you could hardly read it.

Why would I know that? It was saved in a family album so very long ago. Seems like yesterday. How often I looked at that Valentine over the years. It was so precious to me that I put it with all the valentines I have ever received—my Valentine's collection.

Someone is talking. There are voices that I haven’t heard for a long time.

“Mom, can you wake up? There are people here to see you.”

It was Mia. Are there two Mias? And Jonah? I focus a little. Olivia comes near. I reach out to touch her face. She’s crying.

“Don’t spoil your pretty face crying! Or is it because I look so awful?” I try to joke, but I cough so much that I must wave my hand as if to apologize. Mia gets me another tissue.

“Mama, I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier. Do you forgive me?”

I can’t answer. I feel so weak. Jonah hangs back and doesn’t speak. But tears are rolling down his cheeks. I can only look at him. My, he has grown tall!

A man all dressed in black comes close to me. A priest, by the look of things. He wants to speak to me.

“Do you have anything to confess?” he asks.

I shake my head because I can hardly speak.

“I’m going to proceed with the sacrament of anointing.” He anointed me on my head and my hands. Then there was this prayer:

"Loving and merciful God, we entrust our sister to your mercy. You loved her greatly in this life; now that she is freed from all its cares, give her happiness and peace forever. Welcome her into paradise, where there will be no more sorrow, weeping, or pain but only peace and joy with Jesus, your son. Amen.”

Everyone gathered around the bed, all of us crying. But it wasn’t hopeless. Death is not the final answer to life. Only God.