The shadows of your eyes

You kept saying "open your eyes, look at me and see the sun coming from this old window". Yes, it is an old window for a very long time, but still, the sun comes through it. It is amazing how we cherish those known places where we have been so happy, even though they look so damaged and crying in need of repair. As a matter of fact, they are older than we are. We had not made the needed renewals and we have to deal with its bad functioning issues. Just like ourselves. Only, the soul does not get old. I am still the same person, just like this sun that comes into the room, no matter if it is an old room or a new one.

I guess where you are, beslavering young women with your eyes, even though you have no intention to speak to them, thank goodness. I decided to go for a walk, put on my mask and my sneakers and go find you. As I had imagined, you are sunbathing as you should. There is nothing wrong with that. But as I talk, you don't listen to me. You keep looking through me as if I did not exist. Is love that fragile? Does it depend entirely on one's looks?

This reminds me of the things I like to do that make me feel good. If you prefer to be this typical old man chasing girls, shame on you. I will go jogging and maybe I find someone that likes me.

As I pass by a couple of middle-aged gays friends of mine, I salute them and they smile at me. They seem to cherish our meeting. We promise we will have lunch together as soon as we all get vaccinated. They look happy together and none of them is young. One of them is getting bald and the other one is fatter than he was ten years ago. They are John and George.

I have worked with John at an art gallery and we have lots of fun stories to tell about that time. One of them is when I was on top of one stair and John was holding it and we let a drawing fall down, splashing its glass all over the floor and tearing apart its frame. What would we do? We had the brilliant idea to replace it at a five minutes frame shop. Only, there were none similar to the one that was broken. So, we put the most similar to that one and said nothing. When the exhibition opened, the artist was intrigued by this particular drawing, thinking there was something wrong but not knowing what it was. The new frame was far better than the original one and a buyer said he will buy the drawing that was much enhanced by the frame. The artist was beginning to have a nervous collapse but when he heard the drawing had been sold, he calmed down instantly. Afterward, we laughed so much that we could not stand up. We rolled on the sofa and almost cried when we remembered the artist's face. George then joined us for dinner and the three of us had a great time. They were together for a few years then. And what about you? Where were you? When you showed up to pick me up that evening you were in a bad mood and called us irresponsible and unprofessional. We knew we were wrong but we did what we could to fix things and not to jeopardize the opening. And things worked out. You could have stood by us, but you did not.

At the same time, I was beginning to make open-air sculptures. You were a known artist already and you could have made an exhibition with me, your paintings inside a gallery and my sculptures in the garden. But no, you considered yourself far ahead of me.

John was shocked to know this and he told me to pay attention to this lack of consideration on your part. So this is it. From that epoch, far away in time, you were already misunderstanding me, not seeing me at all, just caring for my youth and my beauty.

I called John up to chat a bit. I needed a friend, someone who knew me well as he did, someone with whom I shared all my beliefs, fears, thoughts, and friendship. We agreed to meet each other and George for a coffee, that evening.

After so much vanity, what happened to your great success? It vanished like leaves in an autumn wind. Of course, I didn't get where I wanted to with my artwork but I am still trying, working hard to achieve this. And to fix that window in our room. At least I care about our old house, where we live since our youth.

So, I will meet John and George at the cafeteria, all of us masked, but cheerful and loving. The sun is already gone and we will have a wonderful evening.

Of course, you could join us, laugh with us, have a great time, but instead, we all know that you prefer the shadow of your false beliefs, your lack of companionship, your broken vanity that looks like this damaged window, needing an urgent repair.

John asks me why I stay in this broken marriage and I tell him that I can still remember the days of wine and roses and also that you need me more than you know, and I also need you. We got accustomed to each other's faces and now it is too late to change that. John thinks it is always time to change and to begin again. I would agree with him some years ago but now I think we should stay together and take care of each other with all our griefs. I know it sounds like conformism, but I know deep inside that we can work this out. There is still love somewhere and perhaps it will break through our window just like the sun this morning. I want to believe it. Good night, stay tight.