Where Confidence Dwells: What Makes a Hero?

This story is centered around the grieving process. Handling the moment of the untimely death of a matriarch.

     A coward and a hero feel the same way. Their actions are what makes them different. This Cus D'Amato quote ruminates around the frontal lobe of the deputy marshall. He nods to the sergeant he’s ready for action. Two deputies step up to the threshold of the door. He whispers as he rechecks his gun's action.

 “Ralph, Mikey on three, boys.”

     The sergeant holds up his left hand. The index finger is brought up… The middle finger is brought up… The ring finger pops up BANG!! The door thunderously thrashes open. The battering ram is dropped, Ralph and Mikey rush in to establish a perimeter. Without thought or recognition of feeling. Nino’s adrenaline coursing through his veins. He leads his squad of four to the left as they slice the pie. The sergeant’s squad of four sliced to the right. Upon the sweep and clearing. They took uzi fire from one of the back rooms. Nino called for cover fire so he, Private Sanchez & Private Lorenzo could clear the room. There were only two cartel soldiers. 

     After the house was secure. The sergeant called for the team to head out. Thinking he was famished, Nino plopped down in front of his bed. He lazily tore off his utility belt and laid down his toy shotgun. The 5 year old Nino feels hungry after his skirmish with bad guys. Felt a panini(sandwich) and chips with a rootbeer would be perfect. With an eager heart he opened his bedroom door. Upon hearing the slam of the front door. Pop’s home gleed his inner voice. Quickly Nino rushed to his closet. Rummaging through his box he found his megaforce shotgun. As he loaded it his little mind began to explode with an array of thoughts and possibilities. All starting with his little big heart fluttering and bouncing. Exclaiming I get to spend the night at nonna’s(grandma’s) tonight!! Turning from the toy box. Nino cocked the gun as he walked to his door. 

     Going through all potential outcomes and possibilities his young mind could fabricate. His inner monologue bellowed with confidence.

“I’m getting the drop on Pop today. Io sono l’uomo(I am the man)!”

     With his back to the door Nino released a deep breath to center himself. Closing his eyes he pictured the hallway outside his door. Sneak out low stay in the shadow of the wall and the corner of the back hallway. Don’t go into the center of the loft. Roll into the shadow of Mommy’s plant. Lay flat and breath then pop Daddy. HEAD SHOT DEAD!!! One more deep breath to center. Vocalizing aloud I got this. The third time he opened the door soundlessly. No thoughts or feelings. Nino’s nerves silenced his mind, bringing him to the present moment. His hunger was a distant memory. Nino knew what needed to be done so…… 

       He did it in spectacular fashion. In one fluid movement Nino stood straight up soundlessly stepping in the shadow. Swiftly rolling and landing on his belly in the shadow of the left of Mommy’s plant. Moving to the right ever so slightly. Through his scope he could see Daddy sitting at the kitchen table. Then just as he was about to take the shot. Mommy walked into the frame. Nino’s heart sank into the bowels of his stomach. His inner monologue: I can't shoot Mommy! Knowing he was gonna spend the night at nonna’s tonight lifted his little spirit. 

      Nino started to regulate his breathing to lower his heart rate, calming himself down. Usually in this spot the voices of people in the kitchen are muffled. Though this time Nino distinctly heard Mommy say as she exited the frame. 

“Joe I’m shocked I just, are you serious? *sob* What about Nino? This was his weekend with Sophie.”

     He watched as Daddy picked his head up. 

“Fuck, I know. I didn’t expect ma to be with dad for at least another ten years. Hell, I figured I’d go early if any of us. Especially in active duty, but a drunk hit and run. How are we gonna tell Nino?”

     Nino shook off the comments. It was easy because he didn't know two thirds of the terminology used by his parents. So Nino took it as they were conspiring together to throw him off his mark. It’s only fair for Mommy to play both sides. She loves Pop, too. Nino released his breath and the megaforce slug flew. Smacking Joe in the back of his head just above the cerebral cortex, execution style. 

“SHIT!”

     Joe exclaimed and quickly dropped to the floor. Looking around for where Nino was or is. 

“Joe what happened?”

      Deidra exclaimed upon the thud and clamor. Joe looked at Deidra from under the table. Chuckling he told her that Nino was on the loft. 

“Bella(Beautiful) our boy just shot me in the back of my head. That’s our little uomo(man). Bambina(Baby girl) pass me a napkin. I’m gonna call for a truce. He’s gotta be hungry, it's his lunch time.”

     Wiping her tears she crouches down to hand Joe a napkin. In mid motion Nino shouts.

“Don’t worry Mommy, you're innocent. Pop did I catch ya sleepin’?”

     Finding his laugh amidst his sorrow. Joe waved his fo white flag. Calling out to his son from under the table.

“Sure did bub! How bout you come down here and get some grub.”

     Nino’s tumming began to rumble. Excitement began to rip through his little body. As his hunger began to roar.

“Truce is accepted, we can discuss terms. I request a panini and chips with a rootbeer. We have terms? 

     Deidra laughed as she prepared lunch for her boys. Still waving his fo white flag. Joe hollered out again. Holding back his own laughter.

“We have terms, I’ve got some questions when you get down here. I’ll debrief you about your overnight over lunch, roger.”

     Joe slid out from under the table. Gliding in the chair he fell out of. Diedra poured a glass of wine for herself. Sliding the plates to and fro. Her heavy heart sank into the chair adjacent to Joe’s right. Swiftly Nino ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. Laying his shotgun just outside the threshold of the kitchen. No weapons in the kitchen is a house rule. He ran into Joe before he sat down.

“I gotcha good, didn’t I?”

“Sure did, I’m proud of ya. You been practicing what I taught you?”

     No longer able to contain his hunger. Nino indulged in a mouth full shaking his head yes. Joe inquired about the location of his sniper spot. In the space between swallowing and another bite. Nino explained that everyday for two weeks he cased and mapped potential spots on the loft. Finally settling on the shadow of Mommy’s plant. Joe held up his beer tapping Nino’s rootbeer.

“You’re going to make a fine soldier, son. Damn I’m proud!”

     Diedra shook her head with a massive smile. Stating her heart struggles enough when Joe’s deployed. The last thought she would want to have is of Nino being deployed. Joe rubbed her hand to soothe her. Telling her that it’s a potential reality that may or may not happen. Not to reassure the thoughts and worries of his parents. Nino interjected in between sips of his rootbeer. Swinging his feet in content.

“Don’t worry Mommy Daddy and I will protect you from bad guys. Daddy’s a Ranger which stops foreign bad guys. I’m gonna be a Marshall. I’ll fight dometic bad guys.”

     Joe corrected Nino’s vocabulary folly. Deidra shook her head again thinking why she chose a thrill seeking wild man. That it only makes sense their son falls in behind his dad. As bellies got full to ease the sorrow. Along with the pain of hunger. Joe began to debrief Nino of his overnight.

“So bub, your overnight has been canceled. There was an accident and nonna’s with nonno(grandpa).”

     Confused Nino quarried if nonna was hurt. To which Deidra told him no. That the accident happened in the morning. That his beloved nonna was killed on impact. Deidra and Joe watched Nino attentively as he processed the news.

“So nonna was in a accident. Now she’s with nonno. But nonno’s in heaven.”

     Nino’s mind and heart raced. Unable to fight back he caved and broke down. Sobbing and crying out how he wanted his nonna. Deidra picked up Nino holding him. Caving into his grief together they mourned the untimely loss. Joe went inside himself, turning away from his thoughts. So he could find and locate his grief. The love of his mother guided him and he pulled out of his heart. Coming out of himself his heart opened seeing the pain of his sacred hoop. Getting up to walk over to them. He set his grief beside him observing it with no interaction. Bending behind Deidra’s chair. He laid his head on Deidra kissing her cheek. While placing his right hand on the back of Nino’s head. Which was buried in his mommy’s shoulder. Joe began to console them through one voice.

“She loved all of us. What would she say if she were here right now? Seeing all of us sad.”

     Deidra and Nino paused as Joe continued.

“Open your heart, sadness is normal but don’t dwell. Open your heart to it and love. It’ll be hard for the three of us but we have to let her go. My mother’s ability to love transcends planes. So if we let her go and open our hearts to love. It’ll be as if she never left. We'll feel her presence everytime our hearts are open in the present moment. Knowing her behavior in those times. It’ll be like she’s with us right there. Death isn’t the end, it's a river pouring into an ocean. A door closing as another opens. We're energy emotions are a frequency. Our feelings are the interpretation of them. Remember grieving is a process, it takes time. We can’t fight our feelings but we must not stay in them. Though we can’t see the horizon of our pain. Doesn’t mean it’s non-existent. We can’t forget that she loved us unconditionally. We’ll walk through the grieving process together. Never forget this too shall pass.”