Suffering In Silence

March 31, 2019

Today was my best friend’s wedding. The day was perfect - the weather was sunny, the wedding venue was beautiful - Clara and Jon could not have asked for anything better. I’m so happy for them. They’re going to Cancun for their honeymoon and then after that, they are moving to Arizona, where Jon is originally from. Clara promises that she’ll keep in touch. :)

April 6, 2019

Today is Lauren’s birthday. I organized a brunch for all of us, excluding Clara of course, who was still on her honeymoon. It’s weird not having her around anymore. I miss the energy she always brought to the group. Afterwards we took a walk in the city by the water. Sarah and I were the last ones to leave. We chatted and she told me this was her first month where she did not have to travel for work. She said she felt like a tourist in her own home. I suggested we spend time together, offering to play tennis with her like we used to before she got the promotion in December. 

April 10, 2019

Sarah really enjoyed playing tennis. I’ve never seen her giggle so much. For two people who don’t play often, we had some really intense sets. We decided to make every Wednesday our tennis night. 

April 17, 2019

It’s pouring today. There’s a flash flood emergency. It’s a shame because I was really looking forward to playing tennis. Things at work are getting stressful, and I could use an outlet. 

April 24, 2019

A work emergency prevented Sarah from coming out to tennis today. She did not tell me until I texted her to ask if she was okay, when it was ten minutes after we had planned to meet up. A nice old lady offered to hit with me until her group of friends came. She was really good and had a backhand I could never return. 

May 7, 2019

I haven’t heard from Clara in ages. I finally decided to text her today, but never got a response. I’m sure she’s busy getting situated with her new life. On the other hand Sarah is gone for the next two months, so no more tennis. 

June 19, 2019

It’s hot. All I want to do is lie down inside with all the blinds drawn, but I went running with Lauren. She told me that Clara was pregnant. I did not know. That must explain why I had not heard from her since the wedding. 

June 30, 2019

Today I finally face-timed with Clara. She apologized profusely. We agreed to catch up at least once a month. 

July 1, 2019

I feel so lonely. It’s been a feeling that has been drowning me lately where I don’t want to do anything but lie down. Lauren is in Florida with her boyfriend until Sunday so I don’t have her to keep up with running. Sarah is on a new assignment in Switzerland. 

July 8, 2019

I finally built up the courage to tell Clara I’m depressed. It was nice to finally share this with someone. she suggested I see a therapist. I’ve tried multiple times, but I did not tell her that. For most of the call we talked about her pregnancy. It was probably better that way. I did not want to be a downer. 

August 25, 2019

My birthday is in one week. I’m so excited as all my friends will be coming, including Clara! It’s going to be a Marie Antoinette theme. There will be French wine, cheeses, a charcuterie board, french pastries…the list goes on. I’ve told everyone to wear their best summer dresses. There will be lawn games and prizes!

August 31, 2019

Only Lauren, Sarah, and Kelly came to my birthday party, and Lauren left early to spend time with her boyfriend. So it was just me, Sarah, and Kelly for most of the event. I texted Clara multiple times, but never herd back from her. I hope she’s okay. There was so much food leftover. I don’t know what I can do with it all. 

September 29, 2019

Lauren is engaged. She asked me if I’ve met anyone. Of course I haven’t. I’ve honestly have given up. How am I supposed to meet anyone anyway. No one talks, not even makes eye contact with me in real life. I’ve tried all the dating apps, but get ghosted all the time. I really believe the problem is me. I must be doing something wrong. But I don’t know what to do. My mom says It’s because I’m not pretty enough. 

October 3, 2019

Kelly is having a birthday party for Lana. I can’t believe it’s already her second birthday. The party is going to be princess themed, and Kelly asked for the bakery that made my birthday cake. 

October 10, 2019

Lana had a nice party, but I struggled to stay long. Everyone there was married with kids and it was difficult to hold a conversation when the only question asked of me was, “do you have any children?” Eventually the only question that seemed to spark a conversation was about work. I felt so socially inept. I stayed for the cake cutting, but disappeared after that. 

November 18, 2019

Clara finally came out of the woodwork. She’ having a baby shower in AZ and wants me to come. I’m not replying to her message. 

December 1, 2019

As I’ve gotten older, Winter has become my favorite season. There is something nice about the cold weather stinging your cheeks as you go outside, and I don’t feel as odd being alone since most people are inside any way. Today I took a walk in the local state park. My parents hate when I go alone, but I really don’t have anyone to go with. My brothers are deployed halfway across the world and my parents are too old for a long vigorous walk. I don’t bother to ask my friends - Lauren is absorbed in wedding planning, Kelly would need someone to watch Lana, and Sarah is alway working. I reassured my mother not to worry since I was not pretty enough anyway to be kidnapped. 

December 18, 2019

The holidays are my least favorite time of the year. They are always a reminder of how lonely I am. People swarm in for their gifts and then disappear for the next 364 days of the year. At our annual Christmas party, Sarah said we should hang out. I asked her when she would be available and gave her some possible times at which I would be free. She said she would have to check her schedule. 

December 29, 2019

Sarah never got back to me. I doubt she ever will. I guess I’ve never picked up on the social cue that “we should hang out” is like asking “how are you?”. You don’t mean it. And If I respond, you aren’t listening. 

December 31, 2019

While at the state park today I stood on the bank of the lake and just stared. I was filled with fantasies of falling in and drowning. I’m not sure what is holding me back from doing so. 

January 2, 2020

For the start of the New Year, I read over my journal entries from the last few months and they honestly made me cry. I feel like I’m dying here. My friends have all moved on with their lives, and I just seem so stuck. I’m not sure what to do. 

January 31, 2020

In the spirit of New Year’s resolutions, I’ve decided it’s time for me to move on like my friends have. I got a new job in a new state and I have found a place to live. I’m even considering getting a dog. I’m so hopeful for what this new year will be.