The Vow

Dear Lillian, 

For the past two hours, you have REFUSED to talk to me. Since you insist on giving me the silent treatment, I’m going to do the same to you. TWO can play at this game. 

Gregory, 

For the FIFTH time, it’s LILITH. If you’re going to be my husband, the LEAST you can do is get my name right. Secondly, you will lose this game. BADLY.

Dear Lillith, 

The fact that I can even remember your name starts with an “L” is a personal achievement. Also, stop shaking your leg. It’s making the bed vibrate and I can’t write straight. 

Gregory, 

Go sit on the couch! There’s more than one seating option in this motel room. I didn’t ask you to sit next to me. 

Dear Lillith, 

You know that couch is uncomfortable. 

Gregory,

I KNOW I know that couch is uncomfortable. That’s why I’m sending you there. 

Dear Lilith, 

I’ve decided not to relocate to the other side of the room. 

Gregory, 

You wasted paper to tell me that? I can see you haven’t moved. 

Dear Lilith, 

You are REALLY ornery. 

Gregory, 

If your intent is to get on my good side, you’re doing a “GREAT” job. Please note that I put “GREAT” in quotation marks so you can tell I’m being sarcastic. Also, stop calling me “Dear.” You haven’t earned that yet. 

Lilith, 

This is stupid. We’ve been married for SIX HOURS and we’re already having our first argument. Also, this is a letter, and most NORMAL people begin their letters with, “Dear.” 

Gregory, 

Most NORMAL people who’ve been married for SIX HOURS don’t suddenly decide to take out a LIFE INSURANCE POLICY ON THEIR SPOUSE!

Lilith, 

I don’t know what I’m doing, okay?! This is my first time being a husband. I just thought this was something married people do!

Gregory, 

On our WEDDING NIGHT? Your thought was, “Let me plan my wife’s demise” on our WEDDING NIGHT? 

Dear Lilith, 

What demise?

Gregory, 

Get a pencil with an eraser - I can still see “Dear.” Also, don’t play dumb with me. You told me you binge-watch true crime like it’s your religion. It’s clear you’ve been taking notes. So, how much am I worth?

Lilith, 

Life insurance policies aren’t about how much a person is worth. It’s about providing financial support to your loved ones in the event that you die. 

Gregory, 

“In the EVENT that you die?” No, no, sir. We’re all going to die, so it’s not a matter of “In the event.” Don’t try to play mind games with me! Answer the question: how much am I worth? 

Lilith, 

I was considering a policy for $150,000. 

Gregory, 

WOOOOOOOOW, I’m not even worth a quarter of a million!

Lilith,

Can we just drop this? I can’t even file paperwork without your consent, so if you’d really rather we not do this now, then we won’t. 

Gregory, 

Am I supposed to be excited about that? That you’re doing me a favor by postponing my death?

Lilith, 

I’m not planning to kill you! Also, STOP SHAKING THE BED!

Gregory, 

Let’s assume I believe you. 

Lilith, 

Thank you. I’m glad we can move on. 

Gregory, 

Yes, let’s move on. How would you do it?

Lilith, 

How would I do what? 

Gregory, 

How would you kill me? 

Dear Lilith, 

Ugh! I can’t find an eraser! Also, like I SAID, I’m not going to kill you. 

Gregory, 

I would push you down the stairs. 

Lilith, 

What? Why would you say that? 

Gregory, 

I don’t know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. 

Lilith, 

WHY would you say that? That’s totally inappropriate and just…wow. I can’t believe my WIFE would push me down the stairs. 

Gregory, 

Honestly, I wouldn’t. I don’t even know why I said that - it’s not true. 

……..

Gregory? 

……..

Gregory, 

Are you mad at me? 

……..

Dear Gregory, 

I’m sorry I said that I would push you down the stairs. That’s a horrible thing to say to the person you love you’re married to.

Lilith, 

You crossed out “love.”

Gregory, 

Yes, I did. I too don’t have an eraser on my pencil. 

Lilith, 

What does it mean? “Love” with the line through it. What does it mean? 

Gregory, 

I don’t know that this is the right time to talk about it. It’s late, and I’m tired. Let’s just talk about it in the morning.

Lilith, 

I’m listening.

Gregory,

Ok. The reason I’ve been silent for the past two hours is because I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you the thing I have to tell you, that I don’t want to tell you, but, I have to, so, here it goes: I want a divorce. 

……..

Lilith, 

Is this a joke? 

Gregory, 

No. I’m being serious. 

Lilith, 

This is a joke. You’re totally joking right now. 

Gregory, 

I’m not joking. I want a divorce. 

Lilith, 

A divorce from what? We’ve only been married for six hours. We’ve barely gotten our feet wet in this relationship. Where’s this coming from?  

Gregory, 

Let’s be real. We got married on a dare. We barely knew each other six hours ago. We were just two lost and lonely hitchhikers at a dive bar in New Mexico, drinking beer and swapping sob stories about our abysmal childhoods. If the bartender hadn’t “encouraged” us to elope, we’d be hundreds of miles apart by now, STILL lost and chasing our next thrill. 

Lilith, 

Then why not let THIS be that next adventure we get lost in together? 

Gregory, 

Because I don’t know that I want to be lost with anyone. Marriage is crazy and complicated, and it can get ugly. Like, REAL ugly. We know. We’ve both seen it. And I don’t want any part of that. 

Lilith,

Look, neither of us comes from a happy home, I get that. But we can be different. We can have the kind of marriage that our parents didn’t. We don’t have to be that drunk couple screaming at each other in the middle of the street for all our neighbors to see. We don’t have to be the parents that come home late at night or in the wee hours of the morning or who disappear for WEEKS at a time, leaving their kids with no food in the fridge. Heck, we don’t even have to have kids if you don’t want to. Just IMAGINE how things could be DIFFERENT!

Gregory, 

I wish I could, but I don’t have much of an imagination. 

Lilith, 

Then picture this: we could be that couple that gets up every morning to eat breakfast together and has two cats!

Gregory, 

I don’t eat breakfast. Also, I hate cats.

Lilith, 

Great - scrap it! We could be that couple that goes for long walks in the park or sings cringey karaoke every Saturday night. 

Gregory, 

Cute, but parks and karaoke don’t make a marriage. I appreciate you trying to give me a different perspective, but I don’t think it’s going to work out in the long run. 

Lilith, 

I’m not just trying to give you a different perspective. I’m trying to be the kind of husband I know you can grow to love. 

Gregory, 

You don’t even know what I want in a husband.

Lilith, 

Then tell me. 

Gregory, 

I don’t even know what I want in a husband. 

Lilith, 

You know what I just realized? We didn’t recite vows at our wedding. 

Gregory, 

I mean, it was an impulsive wedding and it’s not like we really know each other. 

Lilith, 

Let me see if I can write something now. 

Gregory, 

You really don’t have to. It’s not like I’m committed to this relationship. Seriously, I’m trying to get a divorce, remember? I don’t want you wasting paper on making promises I’m not going to be around for you to keep. 

Lilith, 

If it’s all the same to you, I’d like to try. 

Gregory, 

Go ahead. Be my guest. 

……..

Dear Lilith, 

When I first saw you in the bar that night, I thought, “She looks like a cat person,” which I have to confess was a bit of a turnoff because I’m into dogs. But I just found out a couple of minutes ago that you too hate cats, so that’s something we have in common. And when we were standing in the courthouse saying our, “I dos” I realized we were BOTH crazy. But if you were willing to do it, then so was I. I don’t know yet if we share a favorite food or color or if we have the same lucky number. I don’t know if we’ll get each other’s jokes or if we’ll cry over the same sports teams when they lose a championship. Music? I couldn’t even begin to guess your favorites, and your guesses about mine probably won’t even come close (it’s bluegrass and EDM in case you’d like to know). There are a lot of unknowns about this relationship, but what I do know is that we can build something, whatever we want - together. I may not know what you’re looking for in a husband, and apparently, you’re not looking at all. But if you’ll take me, I’ll give you all that I have to offer. Lilith, I vow to make our home a sanctuary; to ALWAYS make you feel safe. I vow never to call you Lillian EVER AGAIN because Lilith is far more beautiful. I vow to RESPECT you in every way and to give you your space whenever you need it. I will NEVER be the husband that’s screaming at you from the middle of the street or coming home late simply because I can. And when things get hard, I vow to NEVER be the husband that leaves you alone for two weeks leaves you. If you let me, I will love you. Please don’t throw in the towel before we’ve had a chance to make a mess. 

……..

Dear Gregory,

Thank you. 

Lilith, 

Just “Thank you”? 

Gregory,  

Yes. Unless I’m angry, I’m not very good at expressing emotions. But in all seriousness, don’t let my “Thank you” deceive you. There’s a lot wrapped up in those two words. Also, I didn’t know you were such a romantic. 

Lilith, 

I didn’t know that about myself either. I guess we have that in common too.

Gregory, 

You know what else we have in common? I’m not ready to walk away either. I think I can keep my towel hung up a little longer - just long enough for us to make a mess of everything. 

Lilith, 

Thank you for giving me us a chance. 

Gregory, 

One other thing. Can we keep these letters? It would be nice to revisit this moment IF we make it to our one-year anniversary. 

Dear Lilith, 

We’ll find a special place to put them. Also, we’ll make it. We will.