The cost of regret

"Well... I just caught my 'wonderful' boyfriend taking three xanax, and 2 norcos... so I'll probably be up all night fighting."

"I'm sorry..."

"It's ok. I know... you don't have to say it. It's my fault for actually believing in him when he said he didn't do that anymore."

"Listen to me. Don... Never mind."

"Yeah... I don't ever listen, do I."

"Umm..."

"I know... it's a problem. You know what I realized the other day?"

"What's that?"

"I realized that... Remember how I told you that I really don't remember much from my childhood?"

"Yeah... the mind does some pretty spectacular things to protect use from our memories."

"Yeah, well it's not just my childhood. My stupid brain... This damned thing makes me forget the way every trauma in my life makes me feel. I forgive everyone for hurting me, because... because I forget how badly it hurt..."

"And what's worse... so much worse, is that when I remember... it's because I let them back in to hurt me again! It's like I forget over and over again..."

"Yeah, I imagine that creates a lot of problems on so many levels. I, on the other hand, have always been a coward..."

"What? You're not a..."

"Yes, but I am... I forgive people who never should have been forgiven. I do it because part of me doesn't want to lose, even the worse ones."

"Yeah... hehe..."

"That wasn't a Jab at you. Not at all. I didn't forgive you because I didn't want to lose you. I forgave you for the best reason. I forgave... because... I love you. I was -in- love with you..."

"Fuck... I should have tried harder with you... What the fuck is wrong with me? I always try so much harder with the bad ones, and I always end up hating myself. I hate that about myself. It's like I feel like if someone is more broken than I am.. I don't know... I don't feel so fucked up."

"You know, I gotta say this... The most broken part of you... is the fact that you don't see how absolutely... Exquisite you really are. Like even now... we're not together... left me for him... you are still... Absolutely perfect to me."

"God, I wish I had tried harder..."

"I wish you had tried harder too. And now I wish didn't have to try so hard not to miss you... I wish I could succeed at that."

"I should have just stayed put. I wish I didn't fuck everything up. I just... I wish I could fucking -TRUST-... ANYONE!!! ANY ONE!!!"

"Please don't cry, baby... Everything's going to be OK."

"No... it's not..."

"It will... It has to be."

"I wish I could believe that. But I gave up on something that was so great... and now... I'm just stuck here, letting a bunch of pill heads ruin my kids like my parents ruined me."

"Listen to me... what you are going through is a trial. It doesn't have to be forever, unless you let it be forever. It's just -one- moment. You can... and will get out of this, and you'll be stronger and wiser for it."

"And what about ####? What will #### be? Does more trauma under your belt make you a better person?"

"It can..."

"And if this is what I have to go through to gain more wisdom, I envy the stupid."

"That wasn't wisdom that caused this, my love... what it was... I wont say. Not to you... you don't need to be beaten down any more. It's a kindness..."

"#### is one of mine."

"He's cast aside... by everyone... except me"

"He is -NOT- cast aside... I have not cast him aside. I think about that boy EVERY DAY. There is never anyone who asks me about my children and I don't include him. You will never... EVER... meet anyone on this planet who loves that boy more than I do."

"I love you... both of you. And I promise... Things -will- get better."

"You can't -know- that..."

"But I -do-"

"You can't! How can you say that...? You don't want me there. I'm stuck here... what choices do I have?"

"I -want- you here... but we don't work that way right now. And you know that. But this conversation is a step in the right direction. This shows something that you've never shown me before. Never in all of our sorted years, and horrible past... it's something different."

"What? I can admit I've done something stupid, and ruined my life. That's great... Here's my admittance. I'm a fucking moron. I admit it... How has that..."

"It shows that you can learn... It shows that you are getting to a point where you can see the difference between what you want... and what is important."

"Great... another lecture..."

"Sometimes you need a lecture... sometimes you need the reflection of how you're effecting those near you..."

"you don't think I -Know- how I hurt you?"

"No..."

"I know I hurt you. I know because this is what I do. I'm damaged. Broken... Even when I was leaving... I knew I was leaving for selfish, and frankly idiotic reasons."

"What you don't realize..."

"Please don't lecture me... I can't take it, and I know that where I want to be... I can't be."

"Very well..."

"No... Don't... don't do that... It kills me when you shut me down like that."

"How many deaths do You think I've died?"

"... I'm sorry... How many ways can I say I'm sorry...?"

"Just one... "

"I miss you so much... we miss you every day. I had to make #### stop calling you. Every time he does... he get's so upset, and begs me to come home..."

"I don't know how to tell him that we can't... I don't know how to tell him that that place... and that you are not our home anymore."

"Then stop lying to him..."

"How is it a lie... you don't..."

"You haven't lost your home... You just lost the key..."

"..."

"Now be the woman... the lover... the mother... and the wife that you've -always- been..."

"Great... thanks..."

"It's in your hands..."

"That's.... It's whatevs..."