Divinity in Darkness

I awoke with complete clarity for the task at hand. I was not told what I needed to do, no one forced this job upon me. I somehow knew. This was my purpose and I accepted it.

The coals in front of me were surrounded by smooth stones so meticulously placed into a ring about the width of my knees as I sat cross legged. They were still hot and the fire very much alive inside, begging to be released from it’s sedimentary prison. A small gift from my lungs drew the flames outward and they wildly danced once again. The heat kissed my face as I recoiled back to not be burned. The fire was the only light around me. Aside from the circumference of its glow barely illuminating the walls of my hallowed shelter, I was engulfed in darkness. Nothing existed before I woke up. This was the beginning of everything. This was all there was; the darkness, the fire and me. 

I knew I had to keep the fire burning by any means. This was the source of all life and if it died, nothing could exist and I would have failed. I looked around, straining my eyes into the black, hoping they'd adjust to see through it and expand my little world. Nothing. What if I made the fire bigger? What if I took it with me deep into the unknown to light my way? Dare I venture? Is there anything else out there? Am I the only one? I had so many questions and no guidance to aid me. I was truly on my own. I couldn't risk the flame dying if I explored and I couldn’t feed the flames bigger and risk losing control. So I sat there and I stayed nurturing the small but powerful fire.

The fire began to dwindle. As I leaned in, to breathe life to it again, I noticed something. Down there in the fire, almost completely veiled by the frolicking flames, was a little man. Unaffected by the heat, as if part of the fire, he stared up towards me with eyes full of longing and so many questions. He looked at me but I didn’t feel seen. His eyes asked me questions I could not answer. After a short while, he looked away and went off on his own. 

“Hello, I’m here,” I said to his back. He spun again towards me as if hearing no more than a whisper on the wind and he then turned his back to me once more. I watched him wander the world that was the flames. His journey was long and tireless, his feet became sore as he did not seem to find what he was searching for. I watched him weep as he grew feeble and slowly began to fade into the flames. I could no longer see him so clearly. What a horrid life it must be in there, I thought to myself. I watched him for a long time. As he grew older, I witnessed him wither and disappear until I could no longer see the wrinkles in his face that were not there when I first noticed him, what seemed only moments ago. I don't know how long I was watching him before he was completely gone. 

I exhaled into the declining fire and brought to life a woman this time. So vivacious and full of hope and joy. She sang with every ounce of her being. She spun on tiptoe with such carefree grace and she played endlessly. She dreamt of magic and wonder and wished for adventure. I watched her ever so closely in awe, but as she grew, I noticed her dreams begin to fade. Distress overcame her. She began to suffer. Her back became curled, her hair became matted, her hands cupped her face to catch her tears. Her thoughts became despondent; solemn. Her cheer which was once so prominent was all but nearly gone now. She, too, began to fade. Her song became screams as she cried out to me. She called me by name. She cursed me. She begged me. I sat there, helplessly frozen and unknowing of what I could do. She grasped her delicate hands around her throat and began to choke on the smoke she lived in. She heaved and cried and writhed in the fire and eventually she laid down and was no more. She wasn't so old as the man before her. She was still young. Far too young. 

Every time the fire started to go out, I would breathe new life into it and every time, the soul inside would live in anguish and die with fear. 

I felt a wave of guilt overcome me. I did this to them. I created them and thrust them into a world of misery and pain. I didn’t ask for this power. I had no choice in this. 

“Why me?” I bellowed. “I don’t know what I’m doing!” I felt defeated as a tear slithered down my cheek, leapt off my chin and plunged itself into the flames, sizzling as it landed. The bit of steam that arose twisted and twirled and from it another child was born. 

Enraged with myself, I swatted at the smoke, attempting to snuff her out before she could ever discover the horror that this world, my little fire, was. An ember popped free from the fire and landed upon my right index finger. To my surprise, it did not burn. The heat was gentle and calm. I touched the waning ember delicately and could still see the helpless child inside. Weak and vulnerable, I shifted her to my palm to better protect her and I brought her to my lips to kiss a blessing upon her head. The warmth began to swell in my hand and she began to bloom. Encouraged and overjoyed, I placed her back into the fire and she ignited. She shone with such elation and ambition that I had not yet seen. She showed me this little world wasn't grim at all, it was just starving. I puffed up my cheeks and fed everything I had into the small inferno. The light flickered and illuminated the walls around me and it was beautiful. She beamed up at me, exulting so much love and admiration and thanks. I loved her back. I loved them all before her but I didn't know how to show it. Or perhaps they didn't know how to receive it. I gave her all the love I had and she was promising and accepting. I would be with her always. I would give her hope. I would give her love. I would give her encouragement when she needed it. I would give her challenges I knew she could overcome. When she needed to speak to me, she’d clap her hands together, hold them to her heart and outpour every wish, every want, every shame and sin she needed be forgiven. And I would forgive and she continued to live happily and righteously. She never seemed to be able to hear me when I spoke back to her, but she knew I was there. She believed in me. She trusted me. Eventually, after a lifetime, she too began to fade, laid down and fizzled into the flame. But there was peace. There was a promise.

I felt her presence behind me before her familiar fingertips timidly touched my shoulder. Those hands that prayed to me so many times now warm against my skin. The fire still a part of her as she left that world and now entered my own. 

"May I join you?" she asked submissively. Without hesitancy, I encompassed her in light and welcomed her as an old friend to sit beside me by the fire. Her nerves melted away the longer we sat silently staring at the fire. 

“Everything’s alright,” I reassured her and softly placed my colossal hand to her crown. Her human skin united with the shadows that painted the cave walls and from them flowered her wings. The fire crackled and spat as sparks spiraled and glimmered around her to form a glowing ring circling her head. Peace became her. She peered down into the fiery world and a puzzled expression came across her face.

“They’re not able to see You, can they?" She turned her gaze to me. 

“No,” I replied. “But they know I’m here.”

“How?” She asked all the questions I wondered myself once and I finally knew the answers to. 

“They believe.”

Many more joined us around the fire over time to watch the tiny glowing world below. Breathing it to life, giving it love, listening to what it needs. Protecting it and it's inhabitants. Then bringing those who wish and believe to join me and to be loved for all eternity. There were several I could not save. I love them just the same as all the rest but I cannot force them to join me. I cannot force them to love me as I love them. 

So I sit here, with all of my children surrounding me, watching the fire dance, keeping it burning and alive, forever.