Liberation

‘The final test, the final test. Overcome the self, overcome it. Overcome the self,’ the voice in the machine repeated to me, whispering, slithering into my mind, and my heart in exasperation strove towards those burning words, ‘overcome the self. Overcome the self. Overcome the self.’

Life is really nothing more than a chain of suffering, one ring of pain after another. A joy is a joy only temporarily before it vanishes, leaving a hollow space behind. Vanity of vanities – all is vanity.

I was seated in the hull of a giant ship, preparing to take off into the clear blue sky above, surrounded by those like myself, bound to the destiny of freedom and self-realisation. The escape from this never-ending pain. This never-ending charade. This illusion. 

All men and women like myself were dressed in plain white clothes and sat in their mechanical seats with protruding pincer-shaped devices rising from the floor between their knees and ending entrenched into the tear ducts of the eyes, pulsating. 

‘The final test, the final test, the final test!’

‘The final test,’ I could hear someone whisper beside me in ecstasy.

I knew that my duty was to concentrate now, to the best of my ability, to allow the vibrations and the words penetrate into my skull until there was nothing left of my ego, nothing left of my being, nothing left of the I that suffers, the I that wants, the I that strives. Only a single, all-pervading nothingness. Pure bliss. And the final test.

I collected all of my mental power to concentrate the mind on these chants. If I could only make a final leap of faith, a final romantic effort to overcome the limitations of my feeble being. I could be free. But it had to be only with… the final test.

Despite my best efforts to concentrate and erase my being, I could hear the sound of the ship’s engine fire up and the whole frame begin to shake. The cargo door was wide open, and I caught myself on the thought of whether it would shut for the flight or whether it would remain open throughout. 

‘What am I doing!’ I finally caught myself, ‘I am thinking again about myself, about my ego, about my being! I am failing. If this keeps going this way, I will fail the final test.’

I couldn’t take my attention now off the faces of the people present. How prepared they were to let go. I could see it in the faces of all of them – pure bliss, or the echoes thereof. There was no shadow of self-consciousness in any one of them. They seemed to have attained the state I was striving for, and it was causing me distraction. I kept looking, looking, looking.

‘Why is it that they can do it and I can’t? What is it that makes them so special? No… What is it that makes me so weak and feeble? What is it that makes my consciousness, my imagination so feeble that I cannot erase this cascade of thoughts?’

I could feel the whole thing fall to pieces. The months of practice, my tacit self-assurance that I had attained near-complete perfection. I could feel my ego rushing right back into my mind like an avalanche. 

I stared at the face of one sitting right opposite me. A slightly chubby man with a perfectly-shaved face, the shortly-cut head growing neatly into the neck, which in turn grew seamlessly into the shoulders. 

‘What is it that makes him so much better than me?’ I thought to myself, ‘Why can this fat man do it and I can’t? No, no, no… No! Being. Ego. I must erase it, I must erase it!’

I made another effort to erase all judgement, to erase all understanding of ‘me’ and ‘him’. To return back to the bliss which I had once known.

‘You seem troubled,’ the machine whispered into my ear. ‘It seems that your mind is disturbed. You are losing concentration. Remember. All that you are feeling is illusory. There is no “other” and there is no “you”. Returning to disturbance means returning to suffering. Returning to suffering means returning to that horrible life you abandoned. Remember?’

‘Yes, yes, yes,’ I whispered and lowered my face into my palms. But at this point I was no longer sure whether I would be able to succeed at the final test. I could feel my face go numb. I was no longer in a state of tranquility. 

The ship slowly raised its hull above the earth. The cargo door remained opened.

‘Perhaps not all is lost,’ I thought to myself, ‘perhaps I can still regain my composure.’ 

‘Please,’ I whispered to the machine, ‘speak more to me. Guide me. Guide me rightly. Guide me back to the light.’

‘Life’s goal is to transcend it. All existence, all division, all form and matter is but illusion. It never existed before, it shall never exist after. You did not exist one day, you will not exist another. Your existence now is but a mere illusion.’

I tried to internalise those wise words. The ship was now thoroughly raised above the ravines below. For many miles all around we were surrounded by nothing but rocks and light jungle. Far in the distance glistened a large lake.

‘Life’s goal is to transcend it. Life’s purpose is to overcome it. Imagine the life of an important one – what purpose has it? Today it exists and shines in the eyes of men. Tomorrow it ceases to be forever. It is but a blip in eternity. He who overcomes eternity – he is truly magnificent.’

But my mind had again latched on. At the words of ‘an important one’ my mind’s eye eerily presented to me the face of my older brother, smiling, strong, confident, surrounded by friends, and me – my short stature, my sullen face. I felt a pang in my heart and could no longer hear what the machine was telling me. 

‘Acolytes,’ the mechanic voice suddenly boomed from a speaker, challenging the whistling wind, ‘the final test commences. Those of you that are ready to transcend this reality may begin.’

‘Now? Already?’ my mind swirled in a panic. I had lost all composure. I had to regain it now, now, now! If I were to fail, it would have all been useless. The five years I had given to that practice, the time, the sheer time!

I saw the fat man opposite me rise from his seat with a blissful smile on his lips. Together with him rose countless others and they all walked, drifted, towards the open cargo door. 

‘Me too! I have to go with them too! I must join them!’ I forced myself to rise from my chair along with the crowd. I shot horrified looks around to see whether there was someone, anyone, in the same state of utter desperation and fear as me, but no. No one. Each face that met my eyes was a blissful, calm one, elevated beyond this reality. It was as though they were not aware I was there.

‘I have to join them too,’ I walked towards the opening and saw the first body fall over the threshold, ‘I have to join them,’ another two followed in succession, ‘I have to,’ I marched, feigning confidence to myself and then saw the gorge right beneath me and the shapes of bodies falling. 

‘I cannot!’ I screamed and ran away from the door, pushing through mindless bodies as I went. They were now all around me, surrounding me like a sea of flesh, pushing me towards the horrifying exit, ‘No, I cannot!’ I shouted, pushing and pushing through the unconscious apparitions, my whole body pulsating. One after another, I could hear the bare feet slip from the threshold and the sounds of clothes flapping in the wind, ‘NO!’

I floundered like a brainless animal in a whirlpool, like a dirty dog caught in a powerful current, paddling, gasping, with nothing in my mind – only beating, drumming, convulsing fear. 

Finally, I could feel the resistance of bodies slacken and ah! a full release as I tumbled through the last one onto the floor. Suffocated by my own inflamed breath, deafened by my own pumping blood. 

Shaking all over, I turned around and looked at the plane compartment. 

It was empty.