Clearview Mall

Candles, coat, picture frame. Candles, coat, picture frame. I know it’s last minute but I completely forgot gifts for my cousins. They aren’t close family anyways, how can I be expected to remember them? But, they’re coming to dinner at Mom’s house so I have to be polite. I mean, I guess I should put some effort in. It’s a little late to make that effort but better late than never, right? 

I bet they won’t even get me anything. It’d be perfectly typical, them forgetting about me. But, I can’t blame them. Even I forget about myself sometimes. I’ve been rushing around for the perfect gifts so much that I haven’t even had time to decorate my house. I mean, it’s not like I care for Christmas very much, but maybe it would have been a fun change. But I’m busy, busy, busy. No time for all that. 

Clearview is the closest mall to my office despite the fact that I’ve never gone before. Secretary work doesn’t give you much time to waste around town. But, today’s different. Not that I expect to enjoy myself. I’m sure the mall will be packed with frantic and desperate shoppers like myself.

My suspicions are confirmed when I see the parking lot packed with cars. There seems to be a large number of older cars, probably antiques or retro models or something. I bet they’re expensive. 

I snort. Maybe this mall is more boujie than I thought. Dang it, I hope they don’t jack up the prices. That’d really screw me over. I mean, it’s not that big of a building so probably not, right?

Walking up to the outside of the building, I can see that the windows are heavily tinted so that I can barely see inside. Maybe this place really is more upscale than I had hoped. 

However, luck seems to be on my side when I open the doors to find that only a few people are there. They even seem to be relatively normal if not dressed a little strangely.

“Probably hipsters,” I mutter.

As I stand in the entrance, I notice that they’re playing Christmas music through what sounds like very old speakers. I think they’re playing Run, Run Rudolph, but the song is full of static and keeps cutting out so I can’t be sure.

Alright, what was it again? Candles, coat, picture frame, that’s right. For some reason, it looks like a lot of the stores are closed. That’s weird, especially so close to the holidays.

Trying to find any up and running shops, I look for a map only to find none. I don’t know what’s wrong with this place. Why do they seem so unorganized? 

The place is probably dying, I conclude. That’s why there are so many closed stores.

“I guess I’ll just have to start walking.”

I head down what seems to be the main path through the mall. There are other walkways that break off from the main one, but they only seem to lead to a small subsection of about two or three stores.

“What a weird setup.”

But walking down the path of empty stores, I find that my path splits into multiple different, smaller walkways. I guess I’ll just pick my favorite. I head towards the right one to finally find a couple of lit up stores. The one closest to me even seems to be a candle store. 

“Perfect, finally.”

Even just standing outside, I get hit in the face with a cloud of different scents, none of them very pleasant. The smell only gets stronger the further I head into the store.

The only employee is sitting behind the counter at the front, reading a book. They don’t even acknowledge me upon my entrance. It figures, they can’t be older than sixteen. 

As I wander around, sniffing candles occasionally, I realize that the combination of scents really smells like an old woman. Or maybe like an old woman’s dirty laundry. I wonder if they’re expired. Can candles even expire?

Either way, it shouldn’t matter. I barely even know my cousin Sherry anyways. It just needs to seem like a nice gesture. 

Smelling so many candles starts to make me dizzy in a way that feels too sudden to be brought on by just the scent. I should just pick one and leave.

I pick up one with unintelligible cursive on the front that smells like dry lavender. It’s by far the best one I’ve smelled so far.

I bring it up to the counter and see that the employee has lit a candle on the counter, this one smelling like the acrid tang of burning wood. I place the candle on the counter and the employee gets up from their chair unhurriedly.

“Is that all?” they say, resting their arm on the counter only to dangle their book over the steadily rising flames of the fire. 

I saw it in my head before it happened. The flame was too high and the book was in perfect distance for it to ignite, and yet, I didn’t say anything. I don’t think I could have said anything. And so, it lit up within a second, much faster than it should have. And yet, the employee’s expression does not change. They hold the book for another two seconds before even seeming to process the situation. Dropping it to the floor, they begin to stomp, not fast, but hard. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. They stomp so hard that I swear I heard the tile crack with a brittle crunch. Or maybe it was their bones.

As they finally grind the last of the ashes into the floor as I stare blankly, they pick up my candle, put it in a paper bag, and hand it to me.

“Have a nice day.”

I’m so quick to leave the store that I don’t even notice that I didn’t pay. Almost so quick that I don’t notice that the rest of the display candles are burning now, fueled by my discomfort. But, not quick enough.

Even as I walk further into the mall, the scent of the rank candle follows. I can almost feel that scent following behind me, clinging onto my clothes. I can’t seem to shake it off.

As I walk more and more, I realize that I don’t see any more open stores. I need to turn back and try to go back to the center of the mall. Did I go right last? I don’t remember even turning but behind me is a junction. Maybe I came from the left. I’m almost sure that this is the right way. But, I can’t find the candle store. Where is it? I start checking the store signs to see if any of them are familiar, but, all of the signs seem to be in another language, one I’ve never seen before. Maybe this mall has foreign stores in a separate area of the mall? Maybe, but this isn’t what the stores looked like before. At least, I think so. I’m not so sure anymore.

“Thank God.”

Up ahead, I see an open store. The sign is just as unreadable as the rest but at least the lights are on.

My first glance at the items look promising. They look like fur scarfs and even coats. It’s not really what I had in mind but maybe it’ll work. 

I wince when I see the sign saying “Genuine Furs”. That’s definitely going to take a chunk out of my paycheck. 

And yet, despite the sign, all of the furs look cheap upon inspection. The fibers are coarse to the touch and the colors look off, almost too bright. There are furs covering every wall and scarfs hanging off of displays so it takes me at least fifteen minutes to find a decent coat. It’s chocolate brown speckled with black and it feels softer than the rest of the coats. I pick it up to look for a price tag but find none. Looking up, I don’t find an employee either. The front desk is empty. That’s when I notice how quiet the shop is. The music from earlier has stopped completely.

But then, my ears pick up on something else. A low grumbling sound. It feels like it’s seeping into the back of my head, quiet but growing louder. I tighten my grip on the coat and prepare to pay quickly and leave, but as my fingernails dig into the fur, I feel it twitch. It’s quick, barely a flinch, but swear I could almost feel muscles tense beneath my fingers. But, there are no muscles left, just skin. 

I drop it to the floor and the grumbling noise stops. Now the silence is even louder than before.

I have to leave. It’s not logical, I know, but I have to. I don’t know why but this is all too much. It’s so much nothing. There’s nothing living here but me. I can’t stand it anymore.My feet carry me out without so much as verification from my brain. 

It’s fine. It’s fine. I’ll order something online. But, I might have to give it to my cousin later. But then it’ll be so much more awkward when I show up empty-handed. I pause and curse myself for startling so easily. It doesn’t make any sense. I can’t let my anxiety over a sketchy mall keep me from getting one of the only things I came here for. 

I have to at least get a nice picture frame for Vanessa. She can’t seem to stop posting about her wife’s photography so I figured I might as well.

The only direction I can see left to take is forwards. There’s only one long walkway stretching forward, flanked by small shops, each of them empty and dark. I walk for what could have been minutes or hours for all I know since my phone died as soon as I came in.

Then I notice the shops. They’re all so small. They look about the size of my bathroom and they don’t even have signs anymore. They don’t just look closed but empty, like they’ve been gutted out. Their employees stand outside like they’ve been kicked out of their own stores, waiting for someone to let them back in, looking at me as I walk past. 

They start to whisper. It doesn’t even sound like words, it sounds like low moans. But their mouths aren’t moving. I don’t think they’re even blinking. 

The music’s faded in again but it’s skipping even worse this time.

“Run, run Rudolf. Run, run Rudolf. Run, run Rudolf. Run, run Rudolf. Run-”

It grows. Louder and louder.

And so does the whispering.

I know now that I have to run. I can’t pay attention to the fact that I’m in heels or that I don’t know where I’m going or that I shouldn’t possibly be able to run this far for this long in such a small mall.

I run and I run. And I don’t look back because I know what I’ll see. Nothing. The Nothing that consumed the candle store and the store with the furs as soon as I turned my back on them. The Nothing that consumed the inside of the stores and maybe the inside of the employees too. The Nothing that will consume me if I don’t run.

And then I’m here. In front of the final store. I feel like I’ve been running for so long, I can hardly remember what I wanted. Then it dawns on me, a picture frame. The last on my list.

I step inside.

At first it makes sense. But then, I look closer. The more I concentrate, the more I see. There’s no counter, just displays dispersed around the store, so tall that they’re at eye level with me. Everything is white and baby blue. It’s so bright I feel like I’ll go blind if I look at the walls for too long. I have to focus on something else. Picture frames.

Each display has the same picture in the same exact frame. A happy family on the beach in a white plastic frame. Blond hair on white skin with baby blue eyes. A whole family full of smiles encased in plastic amber.

They look so cheesy, like they’ve been edited to look happy. Their smiles are so big but their eyes don’t even crinkle. They stay perfectly open, looking at me.

Those smiles don’t get any better.

I move to the next display. Their smiles are so white now. They look like they’re glowing. Their eyes are open even wider as if they can’t believe the shapes their faces are making.

Now, the next display is in front of me. I haven’t moved. Their teeth keep growing. There are so many of them now. Too many. Those glowing bones threaten to cover their eyes as their mouths turn down in protest. They’re grimacing now, but you wouldn’t know it with all those teeth. But their mouths are hungry. I know those teeth will consume them.

Now, their faces are teeth and their eyes are just holes but they look and look and look at me. Even their teeth can see how scared I am. And they gnash with every step I take away from them. They love my fear. They’re eating it up. 

And then I’m on the floor and I know that they’re going to eat me too. 

The ceiling is the sky that I won’t see again and the clouds are full of teeth. They chatter in the wind and smile without lips or faces. It’s so funny that I almost laugh. I don’t. But the sky does. Those teeth crack into place and start to shake so hard I think they’ll fall on top of me. Laughter. I’m so funny to this place. The whole mall, It’s laughing at me.

Now, I know I’m not the first. This place is so old and now I know what it knows. It knows that  I only think about others and now I’m the only one left. The only one left to think about. 

It doesn’t want me to find things for others. It wants me. And it wants to know what I want.

The ceiling-mouth is closing on me now, biting down on me. The walls are folding over me, trapping me, the laughing voices rising. Rising. Rising. Rising. It hurts just to listen. 

The mall is screaming now, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

It’s not me. It’s not about me. Why can’t I think? What about myself?

What do you want from me?

It’s so loud, buzzing in my head, voices burrowing in my ears and clawing at my skull, drawing blood from bone. My ears are bleeding now. I think my brain is leaking. Out my ears. Out my nose. 

“WHAT IS IT?” “SAY IT.”

Gray matter falls from my eyes like tears. drip. drip.

I want- 

What do I want? It’s so loud. What do I want? I can’t think.

“I don’t know”

The walls are quiet now.

Then they whisper, “Find out”.

It’s here that I find out. Clearview Mall.

I know that now.

I’ve found where I need to be.

I just need to find what I want.