A Simple Ceremony

(Warning: Story involves mental health)

There is a cliff close to our house; it is one mile from our front door. There is a barricade around the edge of the cliff, but I created my way through years ago. Every day when the voices get loud and I feel my control slipping through my fingertips I run to the cliff. I sit and feel the mist, cool and clean, coming up from the water over 60 feet below. As it calms every inch of me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes I sit and take in the mist that the cliff gives to me. 

My parents ask why I go to the cliff. I try to explain but they could never understand; the cliff is my place, where I find the calm among the loud chaos that my mind creates. I try to shut out the voices on my own. But only the cool mist and firm ground can help me through. Looking out on the vast landscape the only man-made creation being a gravel road that only our neighbor uses. He is an older man that owns all the land next to ours, but not the cliff. No one rules the cliff, although I claim it as my own. He looks at me and gives a polite wave. I do the same in return. He has seen me crossing the barricade but has never said a word.

I visit the cliff more frequently than I did before. In the past, before my high school graduation, I would only visit a couple of times a month, when I needed peace and tranquility. But since enrolling in college I have visited multiple times each passing week. It all started the summer I enrolled, even though I didn’t feel I was ready. I was far too nervous to voice this vulnerable position to my family. The reason is still lost in the chaos, but that is the way most things work in my mind. I never feel the courage, or I doubt the timing of my problems. So they stay trapped in the chaos, and I pursue what I believe my family would have chosen. 

Now I am approaching my second graduation, I chose a basic program that I knew I could find a job in after graduating. I have spent the past two years learning things that I have no interest in pursuing. The years have been long, draining, and difficult. Now that I have reached the end when I look back at the experience I see nothing worth celebrating, Only the hardship and my broken-off pieces that I left behind. I have wanted to ask for help over the years, but my voice is still trapped in its box. Consequently, I sit on the edge of my cliff and I speak. I tell the world my problems but the world does not respond. I dangle my feet off the rocky wall and feel the cool air as it wraps around my ankles gently pulling me closer. I lay on the ground looking up at the sky. Spreading my arms and fingers as I lay. All of what seemed so important melts into the rock as I feel the cold ground on my back. I find my voice and try to unleash its power, but before I can the voices and chaos rain in once more.

… 

Today was particularly challenging as I spoke to my parents about my upcoming graduation. More specifically the ceremony I did not want to attend. I have only mentioned the ceremony in passing up till now, and today was a similar situation. I brought up the commencement and my family had this to say. 

“ I hope you reconsider attending your graduation ceremony.” my mother says to me while finishing her dinner.

“I would rather have a smaller celebration with just the family,” I say in return hoping that she will understand. But when seeing her look away the voices start. She must be upset that I haven't changed my mind. It is my graduation and I should get to decide. They want to celebrate my accomplishment, what’s wrong with that? Say you’ll go to the commencement. No, you have already made up your mind, TELL THEM. Just as my head is racing and I feel my feet start to sink.

“You have to go, it’s your graduation.” My younger sister tells me, her voice is strong and controlled.

“What, do you expect me to build a stage myself, you have to go!” My other even younger sister’s voice rings in my ear. If only they could see the storm my mind has created from only those simple words. I want to explain but it would reveal too much of what I have held in for so long. Instead, I sit quietly as the topics change and more people leave the table. But I am still stuck, fighting and screaming for my voice to be heard. Yet nothing comes out. I leave and run to the cliff needing to feel at peace again.

I find myself sitting, taking in the mist and cool air as it calms the storm. Once my mind is quiet again I start thinking over the earlier conversations. I question whether it would really matter if I did attend my commencement or not. I start to convince myself that I should go for them so that they can be happy. But then I switched my opinion. Telling myself that I have my reasons not to go and that I only went to college to try and be a person they could be proud of. I am no longer in control and another battle begins as my mind plays both sides of the arguments and I am left sitting on the edge of my cliff, begging for the fighting to stop!

I reach a point where the cliff is no longer a peaceful sanctuary. I get to my feet and start the slow walk home. I feel exhausted and withdrawn. Still, the decision has not been made. 

…

Today is my graduation ceremony. I have decided to attend so that my family could watch as I walk across the stage and celebrate the way they always wanted to. I had convinced myself that one day is not worth causing them unhappiness, that I would rather do it for them than explain the exhaustion and collapse that the past 2 years have brought me. 

When I arrived at the building, it was flooded with hundreds of people. Most of whom I had never met, including the students. My body felt tight, my fingers fidgeting while I tried to reground myself before the ceremony began. I am put in line between two people I have never seen. People are chatting and smiling, but I am standing still. My nerves have taken control of my entire body, I hear a loud ringing in my ear as I stand in a line of people fighting the tears back. 

“It shouldn’t be this difficult,” I tell myself, wondering why I am unable to stand calmly in a room full of people. All of them are here for the same reason as mine. My eyes darted around the room trying not to lock with a stranger and trying to look normal. But even more importantly, trying to not look afraid and nervous. My hands start to shake under my gown twisting at the wrist. I am losing my grip on the ground. My feet start to sink, my stomach turns to knots, and the feeling of beads rolling down my back as I lose control of my breathing. Just then a woman comes and leads us to one of the doors just outside of the large auditorium that I am now supposed to walk through in front of hundreds of people. 

The doors open and I see an ocean of eyes, all looking at me. My feet move but I feel as if I am frozen. As if someone has taken control of all of the limbs in my body since I am no longer able to walk on my own. I look for my family, I see them sitting in the audience smiling and waving. My mother is taking photos and her smile is the biggest of them all. My dad looks proud as he waves giving me a thumbs up from the stands. For a moment my body is still as I am reminded why I was there at all. It was all for them, and now they are happy. 

But the moment soon ends when I look back to the front and I am back in the ocean of eyes. I look down at my feet and feel my hand once again twisting restlessly. I finally arrive at my chair, a plastic black folding chair that is stiff and uncomfortable. This is where I stay while what feels like an eternity but is really 45 minutes passes by. I try to listen to the speakers, but all I hear are mumbles as I feel the burning of eyes all around me watching my every move. The words are repeating in my head.  I never wanted to come here in the first place. I should have stayed home. Don’t do anything embarrassing. Your family is watching you. Only a few more minutes just hold on a few more minutes. A constant stream of thoughts running through my mind. Just then everyone stands; it is time to receive my college certificate. 

I make the short walk to the line at the edge of the stage. I can feel my heart pound heavier than ever before, struggling to breathe. I am anxiously awaiting my turn to walk across the stage. Although I am losing all control and spiraling into an alarming panic, my main focus is turned toward a feeling of embarrassment. An overwhelming shame from my inability to attend a simple ceremony without being sent into a debilitating panic. 

I hear my name over the speakers, I walk slowly across the stage. Meeting eyes with a woman who stood holding my certificate in her hand. I stand across from her, and she shakes my hand and places the paper in my hand posing for a picture. I give a quick smile and continue down the stairs and off the stage. After my feet are reset on the ground I take a breath, thinking the most difficult part is over. But I see my family in the crowd, they are cheering and smiling still. My mother wipes tears from her eyes, still taking pictures of me from the crowd. They are happy and proud. I watch them but am no longer calmed by their joy. I am left tired and depleted, still, I give them a smile and a wave then return to my seat. Waiting for the end of the ceremony. Once it ends I am sent outside to stand waiting for my family to retrieve me. They run up wrapping me in tight hugs and saying how excited and proud they are of me. I stand smiling for more pictures, looking my best as I hold back my tears and exhaustion. 

We make it back home and my father starts to cook the dinner I picked out a few days before. I watch my younger siblings playing outside, sitting in a rope swing chair. The breeze on my face helps to calm my uneasiness, until later that night when I plan to go back to my cliff. Where I can finally find complete peace and tranquility among the night stars. 

…

We finish dinner and I take my walk to the cliff. Once there I find my spot on the broken barricade and sit. I feel at home on my cliff taking in the mist and feeling the cool night breeze. The cliff at night is such a beautiful place, and I watch as the sun starts to shift in the setting sky. The cool air once more wrapped tight around my ankles. But tonight not even the cliff has helped to change my mind. My mind is racing with hopelessness and worries that I did not welcome in. I speak to the world.

“I’m not happy,” I pause listening for an answer. “I don’t know what to do.” I get to my feet and begin to pace as I continue. “ I went to college for them, even though I didn’t want to. I went to the commencement ceremony today, even though I didn’t want to. I have done so many things that I didn’t want to. But more importantly, are the things I wanted to do but felt too afraid to do them. I am so afraid of letting my family down and failing them that I let my dreams go. I have become a broken person, the shell of who I was before.” I felt tears start to roll down my cheeks. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I was saying all the things I had wanted to for years. The box was broken and my voice was finally free.

“I don’t even feel alive anymore, or even like a person at all. I feel like an object that is dug up from a box whenever someone needs an ear to talk to, or a shoulder to lean on. Or when they need a favor and no one else is willing to do it. Maybe I -” I stop reaching the edge of my cliff and grabbing hold of the barricade. I look at the water below, so full of peace and tranquility. I wonder what it would be like to be part of the water, flowing lightly over rocks and sand. I stand looking down at the rock wall; my foot hovering over the edge, the air again wrapping around and pulling me in. But now the grip is stronger than before. I hear a voice, it’s the water calling out for me. It wants me to join in with it in eternal serenity and joy. I slowly loosen my grip on the barricade and start stepping toward the edge of my cliff. 

Just as I release myself a sudden burst of fear and repentance fills my body. I try to pull myself back to solid ground, but I am too far off edge. I feel myself begin to fall as my second foot loses grip on the ground. I reach out my arms and my hands grip firmly onto a jagged spot of the rock wall. Losing grip of the spot knowing the fate that awaits me below I scream. Pleading for someone to come. Just as my fingers start to release and my mind is gripping around my fate a pair of strong arms pulls me up to the edge. I look to see the older neighbor man who had only ever seen driving by on the gravel road. He pulled me to the ground as my tears continued to fall sudden and heavy.

“Are you alright,” He asked me “are you hurt, how do you feel?” My mind was frozen as I sat looking at the spot I had sat so many times. On the edge of the cliff, the place where I had once found so much peace. The only place that could calm the vicious storm in my mind. Now the place where I had almost left my life behind. I took a deep breath and responded.

“I feel alive.”