The forbidden kiss

“Who talks like this?”

“Like what exactly?”

“Like this…goofy, dumb, gesturing all over the place. Don’t you see it?”

“I think I do, but why does it bother you so much?”

“What are you guys talking about?”

“Shut up, nerd. Bother someone else with your squid thing.”

“It’s such a good show: intense, gritty, close to reality. It’s essentially a documentary.”

“Realism?! You stupid fuck.”

“Let’s not get into it. Why don’t you explain your annoyance with that show in a more constructive way…”

“Look man, I tried watching it when the hype was everywhere. Saw a few episodes, didn't enjoy it, and moved on to other things. Since that abomination spawned all you do is gravitate around it. Look at your shirt, seriously.”

“This is a limited edition, collaboration with Badisas, a discontinued piece of art by master Kawasaki Sūpu who loved the show. It came to him in a dream, a vision…”

“A vision of wealth, knowing nerds would buy any merch remotely associated with that show.”

“You could ease up on the cynicism. We’re all friends here right?”

“That’s right, we’re friends. Consider this his intervention.”

“I wanted to share this life-changing experience. Since you are my friends I thought you would enjoy this wonderful gift bestowed on humanity.”

“ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT SQUIDER THINGS? I LOVE THAT SHOW!”

“We know, we know. Sit down before you hurt yourself. Do you want a glass of water?”

“I LOVE WATER. I LOVE SQUID SHOW.”

“Jesus fucking Christ…”

“Why? You know he can’t help it. Do you think he wanted to be borne with this condition?”

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Don’t apologize to me.”

“I’M SORRY, SQUID IS A GREAT SHOW!”

“I LOVE YOU! I LOVE SQUIDER THINGS!”

“There you go, buddy. You should get back to your office. The boss might be worried about you. I’ll bring you some cereal for lunch.”

“You know he gets a bigger paycheck than either of us right?”

“If you were the CEO of Big Oil you wouldn’t hire your brother? Just because he doesn’t fit your high standards of what a human should be?”

“My first argument is go suck your mom’s dick. My second argument is the job description, the one that qualifies you to do the work. How the fuck is skidmarks over there qualified to handle shipping logs?”

“He has a way with numbers. He’s a genius, he can instantly count multiple objects, and perform complex calculus. “

“I feel sorry for him. You know the boss made a fortune in Vegas last year with his help?”

“How did he do that?”

“He forced his brother to play blackjack. He never lost a hand and counted cards until the casino threw them out. They let them keep the money.”

“It wouldn't look pc taking money from his slow ass?”

“See there you go again. Diplomacy is a skill you should invest points in.”

“I only level up ammo capacity like any good Christian should.”

“His girlfriend is smoking hot tho. Have you seen her in the swimsuit edition?”

“It’s disgusting to take advantage of another person like that. The boss should be looking out for him. At least don’t let him spend thousands on flights, hotels, and jewelry. She’s only after his money.”

“That’s not it. It’s not the money.”

“What do you mean? What else could she see in him?”

“You’re right, it’s got to be the money. Anyway, I should file that report.”

“Hold on, I saw that. You’re lying, tell us what you know.”

“You are acting suspicious and you hate paperwork. You’ve got a tattoo on your chest that says  <fuck files>  .”

“Alright, calm down. Look, I saw it…”

“You saw what?”

“I saw it. I saw his dick.”

“His dick? When did you see his dick?”

“Hold on, did he consent to you seeing his dick? You didn’t take advantage of his mental state to -”

“I didn’t do anything. I was just minding my own business.”

“Does your business include his dick because if I'm being frank-”

“Do you know what they do to boys like you in prison?”

“I was in the lockers at the downtown pool. I just had an extra hot shower because the pool was cold. Steam rose like autumn in London. As I navigated through the maze of sneakers and chairs I felt a gentle tap on my thigh. Strange, I thought, it felt like a kiss from an old sweetheart, warm yet a tad moist. At first, I thought it was a rolled-up towel and said hi to the guy in front of me. The steam was so thick I could only distinguish an outline, my glasses were fogged to shit. Gentlemen I do not lie: it was massive, like an elephant trunk dangling above a river, its snout wiggling intensely in search of water to quench its thirsty neck. I don’t know what was worse: the fact that he recognized and hugged me or that he asked me to stay.”

“Question: why stay?”

“He’s afraid he’ll drown. The couch swims with him in the pool, his brother sits with him in the shower…”

“Did you wash his back?”

“Alright, alright…”

“What was that part again with the kiss, could you expand on that?”

“Are you proud of yourself for breaking up a happy couple? Or are you just after the money?”

“Do you even love him?”

“Go ahead laugh but I saw the devil and lived to tell the tale. I think I have to find another pool, I can’t risk seeing…”

“Hey, are you the guy who showered with my brother?”

“Er, yes that’s me, boss.”

“Let me shake your hand. That was mighty kind of you.  I took the liberty of signing you both up for an advanced class, an all-inclusive buffet, a spa, and the works. I need good Christian men like you in my company. And hey bring your friends too, I'm sure they like to swim right guys?

“Amin, boss. Amin.”