Endlessly

Nara left her phone downstairs.

She couldn't believe it. She had actually forgotten to take her phone upstairs with her when she went to sleep in her bedroom. There was nothing wrong with this. She was tired and she did need that sleep. The phone wasn't even important to her; countless times she had found herself becoming bored of it. There was just one tiny problem.

She would use it to stop herself from going to sleep and stay up all night.

Of course, this was wrong. She would be tired during the day and would sleep for hours in the afternoon as if she was a night-shift worker.

She didn't not like sleeping, either. So why would she peel back her eyelids in an attempt to force her eyes open, savoring the entertainment that she perceived a waste of time?

She would use it to stop herself from going to sleep and stay up all night.

-

For as long as she could remember, Nara couldn't just tell herself to sleep. It depended on her body whether she was going to sleep or not. It didn't matter whether she was tired or not. If she couldn't sleep, she couldn't. She just wouldn't.

She never understood how people could drop onto their beds and sleep. For her to do so, she would have to lay on the bed, running through her thoughts, for at least an hour or so, before she could naturally fall asleep. Only lately, time seemed to go slower as she was running out of imagination.

With loss of imagination came emptiness. And with emptiness came frustration. She would end up chewing on her arms and wrists, pulling on (or furiously untangling) her hair, hissing, talking to God, begging to just die on the spot, or falling surrender to indecent thoughts. She never yelled or screamed, just breathless sobs mixed with tears and sweat, even though her room was as cold as a morgue.

Her parents never noticed anything, because they were stupid. Or at least, they never complained. Even then, they were still stupid. Their daughter was mentally breaking down night by night, and they were keeping their mouths shut? It just wasn't right for a couple of pharmacists.

It was a rotten world, from all perspectives.

-

1500, Saturday

Nara woke up, still feeling dizzy and tired. She had slept for only three hours since 1200. 'Only' because she just barely succeeded in her mission to not fall asleep last night, unlike the nights when she had her phone. If she had it, she would have succeeded with flying colors and less exhausted eyes.

She hugged her body pillow tightly to her body, her eyes passing over the red bite marks on her right arm. It was no longer a miracle that nobody in their house noticed them; just stupidity.

She wanted to go back to sleep, but then she would have to be directly woken up by her brothers or father, which would be downright humiliating. Getting up and going downstairs would mean being called a fat sea lion who oversleeps. But getting up meant that she would be able to use her phone (with actual permission) longer...

She pushed her body up using her hands. For some reason, it had always been hard for her to get up. Not just from sleep, but getting up from the ground, from anything in general. As if her arms were sticks and her body was a big sack of potatoes. Nevertheless, she got up anyway and took off her jacket that she would wear when she slept, turning off the air conditioner. She stuffed her hands in her pockets and went downstairs, rubbing her face.

"Nara! There you are!" her mother exclaimed. Nara stopped herself short in the middle of the stairs. There was a boy in her house. A boy whom she saw at school. And a 180-degree spin in his body revealed him to be one of her seniors, Khan. "He'll be coming home with you everyday starting from Monday, because your marks suck."

And that was when her life changed.

~

Khan was her savior. Nara had never depended on another person as a distraction. At that point, she had already been convinced that everyone was just equally stupid. But Khan was smart. Smarter than her. 

With Khan around, she would put her phone in her pocket. The times she had with him were a blissful ignorance. She was nothing without him. She was nothing without anyone, but when she was with him, she felt like she was everything.

But her newfound love didn’t consist of just affection. Every time she was with him, whether it was on purpose or not, she would feel an arm of guilt choking her, making it slightly harder to breathe. 

That was one of her many weaknesses. Guilt. Her mind would connect a lot of things to guilt and regret. Embarrassment? Guilt. Humiliation? Guilt. A lot of things were connected to guilt in her head. She knew it was wrong. But she couldn’t disbelieve it. 

She felt guilty for being with Khan. She felt guilty that she was the one whom he wasted his time on. She felt guilty that she was the one who needed him. She felt guilty that she was tied to him by such a selfish desire, clinging to him with every chance she got, afraid to let go. He didn’t deserve someone whose only purpose in this world was to need.

And yet. He stayed by her side. Just as equally many times as she, Khan went to meet Nara himself. He enjoyed every second he had with her, even if it was spent in silence. 

Tutoring Nara was one of his favorite things to do, whether her mother paid him or not. She was intelligent and witty, she only kept failing her exams because she had given up on them. She saw exams and tests as a waste of time. 

“So what reason will motivate you to put more effort into it?” 

“I don’t know.”

“...Do you think you could do it for me?” 

“You aren’t a valid reason that lasts forever.” 

Khan liked that about her. She would speak honestly, even if what she spoke of was offensive, and not even apologise after saying so. A lot of people in this world coat their words with sugar to gain the likes of whoever they were speaking to. And whenever anyone said something like Nara did, they would be seen as heartless and mean, just because everyone else didn’t speak that way.

Humans were simple-minded. Nara was simply complicated. Or complicatedly simple. Even if his time was wasted with her, it was a good waste of time. 

~

Nara fiddled with her phone in her bedroom. It was 2300. Scrolling through her endless social media feed, she couldn’t help thinking about how it had been a long time since she was mindlessly searching for a distraction she was unsure of. It didn’t matter. She just needed a distraction, because her main distraction was no longer there. 

Her parents were very strict about keeping in contact with boys, so the worst thing that could happen was for Khan or Nara to move away. And God hated her.

She was glad that Khan was moving away. It meant that he didn't have to endure her anymore.

Still, they exchanged numbers. And just yesterday, Khan moved away. And just yesterday, her parents found his contact information and deleted it as if they were frantically disinfecting an area with a pandemic. 

It enraged her. And so there she was again. Frantically scrolling through her phone with a scowl on her face. It took a second for her to realise that her mother had opened the door to her room and another second for her to register that her mother had swiped her phone from her hands.

“What did I say about bringing your phone upstairs to your room at night, Nara?” she asked her daughter before slamming the door shut. 

She laid there, frozen in that position. She could feel her heart beating faster. She started to shiver and hot, warm tears started to fall from her eyes. 

How could you?

Sobs started to escape from her mouth, along with gasps of air. 

Even now, how could you not understand?

She used her left hand to push her right arm into her teeth.

Even now, when my sorrow is hanging so heavily in the air?

She chomped down as hard as she could, feeling more pain than numbness than usual.

She hates me. 

Her hands moved to grasp her neck as tightly as she could.

Everything hates me.

Very soon she found herself feeling dizzy and needing oxygen again. 

You’re so pathetic, you can’t even hurt yourself!

“No, no, no, no…” she whispered to herself, feeling her intoxicated thoughts filling her mind to the brim. 

You’re so pathetic, you couldn’t even kill yourself if you wanted to.

Her chest felt like it was being squished between glass panes.

I need to die.

She gritted her teeth in pain.

I really, truly, just don’t wanna do this anymore!

-

Nara’s eyes fluttered open. One of her brothers was shaking her awake. She couldn’t register what he was saying. She heard words like ‘fat sea lion’. Soon her brother left and she was forced to get up. Again. To go through a meaningless day. Again. The cycle was endless. She was going to live forever.