What Could Have Been

“Excuse me, have we met before?”

Angela turned from staring at the stars to see a handsome man watching her intently. He was probably about her age and a few inches taller. His muscular build was apparent; slightly stretching his polo shirt in all the right places. She had no doubt that his smile could light up a room. She took her time before responding as the cool ocean breeze disheveled their hair. Scott’s much shorter military cut was far less affected than Angela’s shoulder length brunette tresses that she pushed back from her face to get a better look at the source of the pickup line. With only a slight grin that proved she was not highly annoyed, Angela responded, “We are on a beautiful cruise ship, beneath a full moon and a few million shining stars and that is the best pickup line you can come up with?”

“No, of course not,” responded Scott who by now Angela had decided was hot enough to melt any iceberg should one happen to get in the ship’s path. “That was just to get your attention. What I really wanted to say was even without the light of the moon and if all the stars burned out, I would still find you even on the darkest of nights.”

“Well, that is a little better,” admitted Angela. “What brings you on this cruise?”

“I’m on Army leave from Afghanistan. It was the farthest thing that I could come up with from crawling around the mountains there. “I needed a change,” admitted Scott. “What about you?”

“I needed a break as well. I just earned my master’s degree in hospital administration. I wanted some time to chill before I start a new job. I’ve been working as an emergency room nurse since I finished my undergraduate work. I was weary of seeing young people torn apart in car crashes, drug overdoses, and gunshot wounds. I wanted a break before looking for a new position.”

“I can relate to that,” said Scott “but let’s make a deal; no discussion of any of that. There’s a beautiful night sky, a beautiful ocean, and a ship with everything we could want. We don’t need to talk about the bad days in our lives. Deal?”

“Deal,” answered Angela. “Now where do we start?”

“We start in a quiet little bar that’s on the upper deck, that just happens to have a wonderful selection of wine,” Scott suggested.

“That sounds perfect,” answered Angela. “What are we waiting on?”

The next two hours passed quickly as Angela and Scott sat by a window alternately admiring the wonderful view and each other.A bottle of red wine was soon empty and both contemplated ordering a second one but were circumspect of where that might lead. He learned that she had grown up near Seattle and loved the Pacific Northwest. She learned that he was a native of New England and loved hunting and fishing near his home and especially snow skiing in Vermont. Their early adult years had both allowed them to travel and see other parts of the world, especially Scott whose Army duties had allowed him to see places that many would have preferred to never see.

As the small number of individuals present began to empty the bar, Angela was unable to stifle a yawn. Her long morning cross country flight to catch the ship, had made a very long day. Despite the wonderful company, her body was crying for rest.

“Am I boring you?” queried Scott with a grin.

“No not at all,” responded Angela. “My body is crying for some rest, and I signed up for an early morning class in the gym.”

“Maybe I’ll see you there. I’m an early morning gym guy myself,” said Scott.

“That would be very nice,” smiled Angela.

He walked her to her cabin. Undoubtedly both were thinking what might happen next but with the promise of seeing each other the next morning, they simply ended the evening with thanks and entered their respective cabins alone. Had they not both been tired, pleasant dreams of the other would have occupied their sleep.

The next morning both were paying less attention to their morning workout routines than looking to see the other one. Angela had just finished her aerobics class when she saw Scott approaching dressed in a tee shirt and gym shorts drenched in sweat after a weightlifting routine followed by five miles on the treadmill. They greeted one another and agreed to meet for breakfast after showering and a change of clothes. Forty-five minutes later they were sipping Mimosas and awaiting their orders of eggs benedict in the ship’s casual dining room. From their seats they watched as the ship pulled alongside the dock of a Caribbean island and passengers on the ship began to disembark for a few hours sightseeing, souvenir buying, and consumption of island beverages.

As they finished their breakfast Angela admitted to the need to buy a few gifts for friends and family.

“Would you mind walking around the town with me while I buy a few things?” Angela asked.

“It would be my pleasure,” Scott replied and a short time later the two were wandering the streets of the town that had been a stopping point for ships in the Caribbean for centuries. As Angela found her treasures to take home, Scott was fascinated by the history of seafarers and pirates who had visited the island. Before returning to the ship, they had a light lunch of seafood accompanied by some extremely strong island rum. So strong was the rum that it became necessary for the two of them to hold each other upright arm in arm. Fortunately, they made it safely back to the ship and collapsed onto deck chairs on one of the lower decks. When Scott awoke, he was alone but pinned to his shirt was a handwritten note that said, “Pick me up for dinner at seven.”

Promptly at seven, Scott knocked on the door where he had dropped Angela off the night before. The door opened and Angela, dressed more beautifully than the night before, greeted Scott with a light kiss on the cheek. I see you recovered from the beverages we had for lunch. “I did,” replied Scott, “but it took some time. You, look incredible tonight.”

“Thank you,” she said, taking his hand.

They ate that night in the formal dining room that was overly crowded. The noise and crowd and particularly the boisterous group that joined them at their table made Scott uncomfortable. Sensing his disquiet, as soon as they completed their meal, Angela whispered to Scott that she thought that they might be more comfortable out on deck. With apologies to the rest of the table, the couple excused themselves and walked along the deck enjoying the cool night air.

“I hope you didn’t cut dinner short because of me,” said Scott.

“Of course I did,” she replied, “I wanted you all to myself.” The blush on Scott’s face had not subsided when she leaned over and kissed him passionately on the lips.

“Do you remember that delicious wine we drank last night?” asked Angela. “I happened to pick up a couple of bottles this afternoon. They’re in my cabin. We could sit out on my private balcony and play some music. What do you think?”

“I think that sounds wonderful,” said Scott.

While Angela’s offer of wine and music as the two of them watched the ocean and stars from her private balcony had been authentic by the time she closed the door of her cabin behind them, physical yearning had taken over. She again kissed him deeply and whispered in his ear, “I think we would both be more comfortable if we didn’t have our clothes on.”

He gently undressed her and then himself and placed her on the bed. It was only when she had placed her hands and arms around his torso that she felt the deep scars that covered much of his back.

Later their bodies became one in intimacy and Angela was satisfied in a way that no man had ever satisfied her before. It was not Scott’s strength, masculinity and stamina that satisfied her though he had those in abundance. It was Scott’s gentleness and love—something she had never felt when intimate with any other man that satisfied her desires. Well into the night, when their bodies were exhausted, they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Angela awoke first and smiled at the sight of the wonderful man asleep in her bed. She called the restaurant and a few minutes later breakfast arrived at her door. While placing the breakfast on the balcony, Angela heard Scott stir in the bed. The sounds that he made were not the normal sounds of a man awakening from a wonderful night’s rest but the haunting distress of a nightmare. Angela took the man in her arms and held him tightly, consoling him from the demons that attacked his soul. When he finally calmed down, she kissed him and when his eyes opened the recognition of the beautiful woman holding him soothed his wounded soul.

“Hi, you slept late,” Angela told him. “Your breakfast is ready.” She then tossed him a man’s bathrobe provided by the ship. While her balcony was private, she was not about to share even a glimpse of this hunk of a naked man with anyone.

The two sat on Angela’s balcony enjoying the warm sun as it climbed higher into the sky. At some point it crossed their minds that they were missing their morning workouts. Neither cared. They were quite content with where they were and what they were doing.

They chatted like old friends. Occasionally, one or the other would ask a question attempting to learn something about the other. Bonds and feelings were obviously growing.

“Tell me how you got the scars on your back,” said Angela. “Was it in Afghanistan?”

Scott sat silent for a long time. Eventually, with great effort he spoke.

“Yes, it was the most difficult day of my life. The scars are really nothing. The pain is from losing three of my men that day. Three friends died because I made a wrong decision. Three children lost their father. Two women lost their husbands. My scars are nothing, but they remind me of the loss every day. Scott placed his face in his hands and wept. Angela wrapped her arms around him and could almost feel the demons eating away at Scott’s soul.

Later that day the cruise ship docked at an isolated island that the cruise lines used to allow passengers to disembark and spend time on the beautiful beach and in the crystal blue waters surrounding the island. Scott and Angela had recovered from the drain of the morning’s raw emotions and enjoyed the quiet time together on the beach and swimming through the waves. The only reminder of the demons that haunted Scott came when they walked along the beach and came across a couple walking hand in hand. He walked on two prosthetic legs. She had one.

Scott said, “In all likelihood they lost their legs in Afghanistan. Their loss is physical, but they will survive. There are no demons eating away at their souls.”

Angela took hold of Scott’s hands and turned him to look at her. “Listen to me Scott, you and I are going to survive too. Your demons are no match for my love.” The two stood in the waves together, hand in hand, and the demons inside of Scott were swept back.

The days at sea and visiting more seafaring towns were wonderful for the couple. The sun beat down warming their hearts and causing them to think less about the past and more about the future. Knowing that the cruise would soon come to an end, they talked about how their relationship could continue after they returned to their separate homes and responsibilities. In the paradise that was their current surroundings, nothing seemed insurmountable for the future. They worked out their plans during the day and made love at night.

On a beautiful afternoon with the ship far out at sea, announcements were made by the ship’s crew that a U.S. Coast Guard helicopter would soon be over the ship to pick up a medical emergency passenger on board for transport to the nearest hospital. Passengers were asked to leave the deck area near the stern of the ship to give the crew room to maneuver. Within minutes a Coast Guard helicopter was hovering over the ship. As the ship did not have sufficient space for the helicopter to land, a Coast Guard medic was lowered in a rescue basket to the deck. The medic and the ship’s medical personnel quickly transferred the patient to the rescue basket and hoisted the patient to the helicopter. With the patient safely on board the medic was also hoisted aboard and the helicopter departed at maximum speed for a hospital more than an hour flight away.

When the medical evacuation started, Scott and Angela were sitting together by the pool. Angela was fascinated with the precision teamwork between the ship’s crew and the Coast Guard. When the helicopter departed, she turned to Scott but he was nowhere in sight. Angela looked in all the places she thought he might be and finally went to his cabin. Finding the door ajar, Angela looked in and found Scott sitting on the floor. Seeing Angela come in, Scott apologized for leaving her on the deck.

“I couldn’t watch the medical evacuation,” he said. “The last time I saw a medevac, I was in Afghanistan, and they were taking away the bodies of my men who died. When I am reminded of that, it is not just an unpleasant memory for me. I have been diagnosed with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I should have told you about my PTSD, but I couldn’t bear the chance of losing you.”

Angela wrapped him in her arms and held him close.

“I’m not going anywhere, Scott. We’ll fight this together and we’ll survive.”

They sat together for several hours with Scott, gaining strength from Angela’s presence and love. In the evening, they ventured out for dinner and fresh air. Sometimes they chatted about how they would win the battle together that challenged Scott. Sometimes they just sat in silence, hand in hand, drawing strength from each other. It was late in the evening when they made their way to Angela’s cabin and made love.

Later in the night, Scott gently kissed the sleeping Angela and walked back to his cabin. He was only there a few minutes before walking up to the deserted deck. Scott paused for a few minutes to look at the beautiful night sky and to think of Angela. He then climbed over the ship’s railing and dove into the ocean many feet below. His body passed beneath the waves and never returned to the surface.

When Angela awoke, she was surprised to find herself alone. Thinking Scott might have gone up on deck for some early morning exercise she waited and tried to get a little more sleep. When he had not returned an hour later, she quickly dressed and went down to his cabin. Finding the door to his cabin closed but not locked, she opened the door and stepped inside. Not finding Scott and seeing nothing amiss, she was about to leave when she noticed a note on the bedtable. It was addressed to her.

Angela,

By the time you read this, I will be gone. Searching for me will be fruitless. I am now at peace. I could not let the demons that will be a part of my life forever also become a part of your life. I have silenced those demons forever. The time that you and I spent together was the happiest of my life. You have many wonderful years ahead of you. I will watch over you from heaven.

My love will always be with you.

Scott