Futility

The Boy stood frozen in the produce section, staring across the store at the familiar blonde curls of The Girl currently investigating the deli meats. He crouched down behind the tall stack of honeydews and considered the definition of insanity. Was it applicable to relationships? People change, after all, so it really wasn’t that crazy to expect a different result. Maybe she’d changed? He most certainly had. Some would say for the worse but healing wasn’t a process that could be rushed. It takes years for most people to get over the death of a loved one. So why was his constant depression over a relationship that ended a year ago so strange?

He imagined himself, confident and not wearing dirty sweatpants, striding over to her. She would turn and smile awkwardly, unsure of what to say. He would put her at ease and tell her that it was so nice to see her. They would talk for a few minutes, catching up on the last year. She would talk about her senior year in college. He would mention an exciting new job he had gotten after graduation. They would laugh at old jokes. They would remember how comfortable they made each other. He would ask if she wanted to get coffee sometime, just as friends. She would accept and they would hug their goodbye. Their parting would be hopeful, their future together uncertain. But their lives would still be intertwined.

The Girl turned towards him and he dove behind the watermelons. An old woman to his left raised an eyebrow in his direction and he tried in vain to look like he had knelt down to tie his shoe. It was all so stupid. They had been so in love. They had meant the world to each other. She was perfect for him. And, at one point in time, he had thought he was perfect for her. 

Their relationship had started off so effortlessly. There was no awkward first date, no strange personality quirks to cover up. Their first kiss had been while watching The Lego Movie, a film so unsexy that he was worried the date would end in a polite handshake. But the humor just brought them closer and it was in the hanging silence after a good laugh that he had leaned in for the kiss. It wasn’t sexy or even romantic in the classical sense, it just felt right. He knew at that moment that he would love her forever.

And yet, here he was, crouched behind a stack of watermelons slowly losing the feeling in his legs. Why was he hiding from someone he once loved? Still loved. Their break-up hadn’t been ugly. There was no yelling or insults. No one had cheated on anyone. So why did it feel so strange? Why did he feel this knot in his chest? They didn’t have to be this way.

The Girl walked down a nearby aisle and disappeared from view. An insane spark in his brain moved his legs forward and he was suddenly peeking around the corner, watching her curls bounce away. He pretended to read the instructions on a Glade air freshener and tried as hard as he could to not look creepy. A quick look over his shoulder initiated eye contact with the now very suspicious old woman from before and he hurried to the back of the store.

Was a year enough time to restart a relationship?  

What if she had spent the last year hoping for a phone call?

What if this was just the beginning of a new, beautiful journey together?

The relationship had been as easy as the first kiss. They never fought, not really. Sure there had been disagreements but they always went to bed happy. It wouldn’t be hard to rekindle such a strong bond. The Boy allowed himself to hope for a moment. The Girl had only said that she needed a break. Maybe all of this worrying had been for nothing. Maybe he could get his life back. He straightened up and took a deep breath. This was it. His heart beat in double time as he walked to the aisle where she had been. He looked around the corner and saw her still standing there, far away at the end. She turned to walk away and he opened his mouth to call out to her.

The memory of their last kiss crept into his mind. It was a moment he had tried to forget for the past year with no success. They were standing on her front porch. He had reached for the door and her hand had caught his. She said she was tired and that she had work in the morning. None of that had ever mattered before. He chose to ignore how strange that was. He told himself that relationships evolve over time and people need their space. He ignored the sad look in her eyes and how tightly she was squeezing his hand. 

He leaned in to kiss her goodnight and she rushed up to meet him with the intensity of a long-awaited reunion. They kissed for an eternity. They kissed like the world was ending. And when they finally broke apart he knew that she didn’t love him anymore. The easy, comfortable joy of their first kiss was gone. The last had just been a desperate final attempt to drain the final drops from a cup that had run empty.

The memory faded and left him defeated in the aisle. He watched from across the store as The Girl paid for her things and walked out the door. His chance was gone. He was alone once again. He shoved his grocery list into his pocket and grabbed a pack of instant ramen off of the shelf. Regular food was for winners. Ramen was the food of losers who followed their exes around a supermarket. He had been an idiot to think that they could be friends. Not because they wouldn’t get along or because she would reject the idea. But because he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to be friends, he had plenty of those.

No, he just wanted her to love him again.