To the Girl I Used to be

I sometimes wonder how you managed to exist, if I look at myself now and at you and how you used to be… we are so different. You were so vibrant, so full of life. My favourite part about you: you saw the beauty in everything, even people.

I don’t know how to do that anymore. I can’t even let a joke slide without thinking of a darker meaning. I miss looking at the world as a false utopia, feeling free and happy in mind to just ‘be’. How were you so ignorant to it all? I don’t know why I’m asking. I already know the answer. You don’t yet, that’s what makes you so wonderful, you’re still looking at the world from your windowsill, like a joe peaking from its pouch.

I just wish you were still here, your everlasting endearment and burning passion for things that are important to us. They’re still important to me but my desire dims. I wish you could whisper to me that it would all be alright, the way we used to do to him, and feel kindness grow again, but it feels so burnt out.

You were so genuine every day, you were shy to be yourself, but you still were. You had innocence; a type of beauty unmatched. You looked at the world through untouched eyes, still clean and glowing, not knowing what was to come. I wish I could tell you what I’ve learnt, and maybe we could change things, you’d be wiser, without the hardship of the lesson, then maybe now a part of you would still be here.

But I don’t see you in here, I’ve searched so far inside this place but I find it vacant, myself the only tenant. I miss you. All the dreams we had are going askew and I can’t help but think it’s because you’re not here with me.

Life was supposed to be different. You would be so disappointed if I told you where I am today, and the future that awaited you; I guess that’s why no one sees the future, or we’d give up before we even start. I just wish I could be you one more day, hold you until we merge and I no longer existed again, back to that simpler time.

I miss how you were just the quiet girl in the back that was always kind when someone needed it. Why do you have to go and change? Couldn’t you see the warning signs? Don’t you know that path leads to me? Trust me, this wasn’t the fantasy. I take meds every day and half the time I don’t know if they are working. You were unmedicated, yet you were okay, you weren’t always happy, but it’s far better than this.

Could I meet you there, in that simpler time? We could play with the dogs outside and have tea in the garden like when we were a kid, climbing the trees as the teabags brewed. I want that again. But the teapot is broken, and the cups have all disappeared. What was once is now no more. You are a true testament to that.

You were the only me that I was never ashamed of looking back. Now, I don’t know who I am, like a man, lost in the desert – everything’s always changing and moving, it’s confusing and it leaves me exhausted.

Exactly where did I lose you? I could go back and perhaps I find you, like a child finding their mom at the supermarket; I’d be just as joyful. Oh, if only it worked that way, that we could find each other like in a movie scene, reunite and rejoice in tears and cheers, but it doesn’t.

You are gone. I suppose I’m writing this to you for closure? I’m still figuring it out in my head, but letting you go is harder than I thought. You were the best version of me and now I’m stuck looking back at what I used to be, not what I could be. The potential, I fear, is lost. I want you to enjoy the time you still remain. You change a lot of people’s lives and even better, helped a lot of animals; that’s one thing you can look forward to.

And though you might feel alone in your time, there’s more people there than you realize, hold onto them while you still can, and remember those good feelings, because though you are in for a ride, you have some really good times before… you are no more. One thing I can assure you of is you will be missed, even if it’s just the vanity of your future self, longing for you.

I wish we could at least be friends today, you would have helped me so much, your kind spirit was infectious, you never gave it up and you always fought for those you cared for, and even more, what you cared for. You were beautiful, not how you looked, but your soul, you wanted nothing but good, now I just want to burn away, not even into a memory.

I want to still see the beauty in what brought us joy, I hold onto it so tightly- that dream – but I can’t get it to reignite. It’s hard, loving something, but having no drive for anything anymore. After you left, the world became pointless., and even I turned against myself.

You left me alone, but I can’t blame you, because I was you.

I hope you know that you are loved by so many, even a distant version of you – me – but I know you feel unloved. If there is one thing I could do for you is give you a hug and tell you that you’d make it out fine.

“Life might be hard, but I’ve got you, and we’ll get through this together.”

That’s what I know you need. I’m sorry you never got it.

Forever missing you,

You.