My Own Choice

I often wonder to myself if it’s normal that I can’t make my own decisions. Its not fault or I don’t think it is. It has been this way my whole life and I don’t have the slightest idea how to change it. I’ve been okay with it begin that way until recently, I’m not sure I am anymore. 

Almost everyday I think to myself that today will be the day that I will make my own first decision, but I always chicken out and ask someone else. My friends, usually know what I want when I call them. I don’t know if they mind me calling them everytime, I want their help making a decision, and I’m not sure if they would tell me if they cared, or maybe they talk behind my back. I guess I might never know. They don’t seem to mind when I call but what they say, before they answer my call or after remains unknown to me.

To me, life is easier and safer that way. If I don’t make my decisions, I am simply not in control of making mistakes. It is easier for me to accept a wrong decision, if I haven’t personally made it. If someone close to me made it, it is just easier for me to try and fix it or just let go of it and move forward. When people close to me, tell me what to do or what choices I should make, I can be more in control of getting hurt. I don’t have to worry about making that decision, that isn’t right for me or just simply making it more then once. If my friends make that decision for me, and I end up getting hurt. I don’t take it hard, as much, as I would if I would have made that choice by myself and would have gotten me hurt in the process. 

I know you probably think I don’t make any sense, but that is my life. I always have people close to me there, to answer my text or call because they know, I need their help with making a decision that they know I can NOT make on my own. It isn’t that I chose my life to be that way. It kind of just happened to me. Do u know when true love happens to people and it changes their life completely? Well that’s what happened to my life. It just happened and I had no control over it. I was fine with my life begin that way, but recently I am beginning to want it to change. I don’t want people to make my own decisions and practically run my life for me. I want to do it myself. 

A lot of times, I sit and think how different my life would be if I made my own choices. The choices that came from my mind or inside my heart and not from other people. I wonder a lot to myself if it will ever be that way and how I am supposed to change it. It’s a hard thing to change, it might seem easy to you and other people but its actually not. The feeling I get when I am so close to making my own decision. I panic and start to breathe hard. It’s not normal, that I am aware of, but I am so unsure what to do that it is driving me crazy. 

The question you might ask me is; how do my friends know what decision to make for me? Well first of all, they had done it as long as they know me and that has been twenty to thirty years. The second question could be; why do I trust them to make my decisions, which include my important life decisions? To that question, all I’m gonna say is I trust them to make the best choice for me, more then I would trust myself to make it. The third question u might ask is; why is my life like that, why r my friends making my decision? Okay, what I wanna say is; it is none of anybody’s business but I’m gonna answer that question anyway. 

I was pretty spoiled growing up, so my mom made all my decisions for me. She thought she was doing what was best for me and most of all she thought she was protecting me. Maybe that was true at first but as I got older, she didn’t stop. When I went to middle school, my friends just started doing what she was doing and I was so used to it, I didn’t think that it should be different then that. The older I got, I realized I was afraid to make me own decisions, so I continued letting another people do it for me, and that’s how it has been all my life.

When I got up this morning, I did a lot of thinking and then I decided that I’m gonna go out tonight and make my own decision, with what drink I should order, with what people I should talk to, and hang out. As I got dressed and headed out to one of the New York’s most famous night clubs, I was excited but also very nervous. I was finally going to a club alone, where I was going to make my first decision, all by my myself. To he honest here, I was terrified, nervous, and I was thinking of chickening out again. That was so like me. It’s so frustrating, I just want to be able to do this. I had to do this. It was the right thing for me to do.

I walked into the club, so terrified, that my hands were shaking. I walked over to the bar and sat down. The bartender came over and asked me what I wanted to drink. I took a deep breath and finally ordered a lime twisted gin. It has always been something I wanted to try. Wow! I actually ordered my own drink! I could honestly not believe it! A stunning looking model, sat down next to me, and before I knew it, we were talking like old friends and ordering our second drink. We decided to go dancing, but wait, it was my idea! I had finally done it and made my own decisions! I felt like a new person, happy, proud, and lively!