The Heart's Chronicle of Suffering

Dear beloved,

I do not know what to call you now. Are you still that guy I was head over heels with or a stranger? Since you have decided to ghost away from my life, I have been trying to reassess myself. As in, what did I do wrong? Where did I press the wrong button? And those around me are not making matters better. I have to come to think of myself as losing my head. I cannot focus. All I want is to numb what I am feeling. I am hiding behind the most brilliant smile. I am hiding behind dazzling fashion. I am hiding with music. But I am just losing touch with myself. I have heard quite a lot of theories about this. Are you ghosting away because that huge infatuation you had with me has faded? Why can't you be brave enough to tell me this isn't working and end things between us? Have you found someone more compatible with you? Was I a waste of time? Am I that boring and not so innovative that you cannot spare me just a nanosecond from your busy schedule?

Nevertheless, whatever makes you happy. May you reach greater heights. You may see this; you may not see this. As much as you are giving up on me, as much as you are breaking your promises, I won't. I will remain faithful. I won't cheat on you. The temptations are there, but I will still think you are still in charge. It isn't time to give up on you as of yet. But I will turn my back on this chapter when the time comes. I will close it and move forward. Then, I will say that I tried. That I did my part. If then we were never meant to be, then it is alright. I will only preserve you if you find your designated 'rib'. I am writing this to alleviate the pain I am feeling. Being the most sensitive between us, that is the only way. 

Yours sincerely

Dana

Dear frenemy

It is safe to assume that title. I can no longer call you my love. I can no longer call you sweetheart. I will think that you ghosted out. Well, I saw you on Friday. But the funny part is I was coming from a place. Someone had said something that seemed to ring true. "Some of you, your mind is all over the place. You are begging for a relationship. You were going to give in. You were getting advice, which in a way is wrong, from your friends. Let go. And don't give in. That boy is not your keeper. The Lord is your keeper".

I did not know, but my heart seemed to respond. Then I saw you after sensing somehow your presence. Did you see me? I am still trying to figure out the answer since none of us tried to follow up with the other. So yeah, I am confused somehow. The truth is, I still feel something for you. I still have those memories. When you came over to get me and scolded me for pushing you too hard. You were fasting. I still recall you looked a bit lighter. I still remember that scent on you. Which I still associate with a baby. I could not look into your eyes. 'Coz I was shy. I do remember just watching you do all the ordering for me. And the rest is history. Yeah, your pervert remarks are stuck in my mind. Oh, I will never forget how I wanted to jump right there and there at you and design features on your face with my nails. I felt the same today. I wasn't crying and whimpering at my loss. Instead, I was kicking, throwing a tantrum, cursing at you, and mocking myself for being so lenient. That is when I felt that strong urge to claw your face.

I had no hard feelings, but I felt like an angry cat ready to pounce and remove some skin from someone. And the urge to just stab you with a pen. Well, I keep promising myself I will kill you. I have to get rid of these murderous thoughts. Please be safe, frenemy. Be the guy you were born to be. I will not stand in your way. I will stand a distance. I'll stalk you on Facebook if I feel like it. But I won't stand in your way. No. Be happy. Find someone. At least I have learnt that I can love someone regardless of what they are. I know where you are coming from.

As much as I want to join the chorus of my friends in blaming you for this, I will not. I wish you nothing but the best in life. I do still feel something for you. But that fire to keep fighting for you, for this thing between us which is now nameless, that fire is slowly dying down. I do not know if I will be there with arms wide open to accept you. I mean, you are never going to come back. I am getting used to the idea. Not so bad since I was single for quite some time before you came along. No more lying to people about you and me. I say I am single nowadays. Silent treatment does that to me. I just ended up assuming something. So beloved, for you are loved. Be prosperous and be happy—no need to feel guilty about leaving me in the dark. I am not doing okay, but I will give it time. And eventually, that pain will become a dull ache, and then it will be all gone. I am leaving a scar.

Yours sincerely

Dana

DEAR FRENEMY,

You know, Terence, I never meant to hurt you. That is even if you feel hurt. I can't hurt you. But you can. So, the thing is, I haven't stopped loving you. No. I did lie to myself. But I have just stopped pushing you to feel the same way. I can't risk not giving you what others call the 'flame of the relationship'. I am no church girl, but I fear the Lord. I have made some mistakes in my past life and have moved on. I can't revive that, so I chose this path. Risky, but at least for your happiness, I have sacrificed. The way that I feel towards you is more intense than before. I have learnt to love you with your all. Yes, some traits of yours repulse me, but I haven't managed to stop referring to myself as a future Mrs, bearing your surname. The way I feel compared to your actions made me feel vulnerable. It is better to fade in the shadows than remain hanging dry. So, I decided to take this crazy step, which is bravery. I have to give up on something, someone that is particularly close to my heart…

"Since you are quite busy, I've been left to act this unprofessionally. I have tried to love you, but I have failed. The ways things are going are just breaking my heart. I am not cut out to be with you. I have some low standards as compared to you. So I've decided to let you go. Have your dreams. Fulfil what you desire in life. Go ahead and find someone else who will make you happy. I won't hold it against you. I won't stand in your way. I won't show up in your life. I will recover with time, so don't worry about me. Anyway, thanks for the time we had. I can't return all the favours and all you have done. But I'll try. I wish you the best in your life."

Since you have yet to reply, I'll assume one or both. 

1) That you have seen the message.

2) That I am not worthy of fighting for.  

This is quite cool to me. I will keep thinking of you every day, even when I resist. I will still pray for you unconsciously. I will still play the happy fan with a deep crush on you. Keep on scaling to greater heights. You deserve happiness. I will not stop you.

Yours sincerely

Dana

DEAR YOU

 A frenemy is a cowardly way of referring to you. I mean, you have no fault after all. I have always loved this song by Big Time Rush, Counting On. My thought was that one day, I would dedicate this song to my first boyfriend. I did save it for you but have yet to mention it. I have reviewed the lyrics.

"Now I am about to give you heart, but remember this one thing: I have never been in love before….you had to go easy on me. I have heard that love is dangerous. Once you are in, you never get enough, but the thought of you leaving isn't getting easy on me."

 I can't say you have hurt, deserted, or given up on me. You have not used me nor taken advantage of me. I am not sorry for counting on you."

 I am sorry for falling so hard on you. Being an amateur in love does that. Now, I just can't let go of you. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I should never have hurt you. Or take you for granted. I should have trusted you and not let my insecurities cloud my judgment. It's just so bad for me. I should stop checking my phone every time I wake up in the middle of the night, every moment I am on Facebook and just let you go. You deserve better, don't you? I don't know what made me think that I am your type. You are so unique, and I am amazing. But it would be best if you had someone who is so outstanding. So I will suffer this pain, which feels like stillbirth. And wait for the next moment. And I hope these tears will stop flowing when I always face this truth.

Yours sincerely 

Dana