Seeing Green

Cars honk as they idle dead-stoped in traffic. Their motors hum louder and louder, eager to race against each other. But they are trapped, unaware of what is above them.

The pulsing world mixed with my heartbeat as I ran through the streets. The scent of wildflowers and the earth caused an ache between my eyes, the scent growing stronger as it mingled in the aftermath of heavy rain. Zig-zagging my way around the maze of cars and slippery asphalt, leaving a muddy path behind me. I was running from it, the sky. I stopped as I jumped up onto the sidewalk, my mind a haze. My chest tightens as I think about how I got to the city and where I was before; the more and more I thought about it, the more my eye sockets began to throb. An intense burning in the back like liquid fire burning my memories and leaving me nothing to remember. Now, all that is left of me is above, a looming threat to my delict mind.

Of course, the sky is blue. It is a simple thing I learned as a child, but when I look up above the skyscrapers and the billboards, all I can see is green. Vibrant and spoiled green like a dirty pool. The part of me I can trust tells me I am wrong and what I see isn’t real and when I pull my eyes away from the sky I see him. Ahead of me. How could he be here? 

              He stood like a beacon, his back to me, looking up as if he saw it too, the green. His presence made my head stop hurting, and a magnetic pull demanded me forward with an invisible thread tied around my heart. As I approach, he turns, and there it was, that smile that had etched itself into my memory making a permanent spot there and bringing an unwavering warmth of safety. He closes the gap between us, and I blink, trying to dispel the illusion.

Trees sway in the distance behind him as we now stand in the center of the meadow. Dewy green grass filled with weeds and daisies. The cluttered sounds of the city were gone and replaced with the fresh scent of flowers.

 “You’re seeing it again, aren’t you?” His voice was gentle and warm against the wet wind and the chaos in my mind.

I nod, unable to find my words. Where have they gone, perhaps they are still lost in the city. I try to ground myself here in the meadow, but I can’t help but notice the impossible sky. This place isn’t real. He cupped the side of my face thumb brushing along my jawline a touch so solid and warm that for a moment I almost forgot I was going insane.

“Look at me,” he demanded. His hands forced my chin forward, guiding my eyes back into his, where they belonged—blue-clear blue like the sky should’ve been. I sigh, finding clarity in those eyes, everything the world lacked. My fear disappeared, every drop of it evaporating under the protection of his gaze. I let him wrap his arms around me, grounding me in whatever reality he had to offer.

“Thank you,” I say, muffled by his chest.

“Always.” He promised, and I’ll never believe him. One day, he won’t want to come and find me lost in the green sky, and I’m sure I’ll be trapped there forever. However, in this moment wrapped up in his arms I let him believe that our love can outlast the rot of my mind. That we are just two souls who are meant to find each other despite the chaos and overwhelming madness. I want to believe him so much.

“Tell me what you remember,” he says.

I shake my head but tell him anyway. “I remember the green sky and angry cars.” My voice is shaking. “But I am here now in the meadow with you, and the sky is blue.” I don’t dare look up. What if I’m still in the green? Will I be lost again? Will he fade away? Is he even real? “Blue sky, white clouds, and green grass,” I say, there are constant facts in my world where there are too many changes.

“Look.” He told me.

I shook my head, but he never gave me an opportunity to hide. He stepped away and flicked my chin up, and before me, the sky had returned to its brilliant blue, dotted with cotton clouds that slowly drifted above us into the endless view. It was as it should have been. I gulp, taking his hand and looping our fingers together.

“See? It was just a moment, just a few minutes of confusion, that’s all,” he reassured me, but I could tell, after so many years, I understood the sharp details of his raised eyebrows. It was pain in his expression. Narrow eyes and quivering lips were all I could see, and I could see how hard he was trying to understand me. To know if I can see the truth. There was doubt still in his mind that I had returned or if I was still lost in that green sky.

I smile and nod, putting his worries aside, even just for a moment, with a kiss. I peck his cheek, rough with stubble, tickling my lower lip. I don’t look back at his eyes as they try to hold my stare. I ignore him and curl back into his arms. Where I belong. He wanted to discuss what was happening to find the answer, but I didn’t have any. All I know is that I want to be here with him forever. That’s all that matters now.  

              “You can’t keep finding me. One day, I might just be lost forever.”

“I’ll find you.” His declaration, a vow, he wove into reality. I fear he means it, that no matter how many times this hurts him, he won’t give me up. If I wasn’t so greedy and selfish, I would leave, but I can’t. No, I won’t. I wrap around him tighter I know I am crazy and the sky should never be green, but I know my love for him is real, even if he might not be. Maybe I’m not even real.

“Even when the world turns upside down.” He says, putting a tender kiss on my forehead. “I’ll find you,”

I allowed myself to fully relax in his embrace and believe him. I’ll accept it as truth and let him comfort me with his words. If only for today, because right now, it’s true. Together, we let the clouds drift, finding shapes, him telling stories within their ever-changing forms. There was so much beauty in this place, a sense of surrender that didn’t feel like giving up but rather like gaining strength from one another. So, we remain in our meadow of two lovers beneath a sky of clear blue. Where the fabric of reality didn’t dare bother us.