The Whispered Disconnection

Before the panic attacks and the diagnosis of agoraphobia, Thursday’s always have been a special day for me because that was the day I usually spent with friends, but now as a shut-in, I don’t do that anymore. I did keep up with the tradition though, my fears didn’t stop me from using the phone or video chat programs, like Discord, so I spent time with my friends, just not like I used to. My friends have been very understanding of the side effects of the issues that I suffer from, one more than the others, Ryan, such a lovely girl named after some old melodramatic soap opera. At first, many of us were on Discord in a group setting, telling each other about things going on in our daily lives, birthdays, promotions, new jobs, and the like but eventually, things change as they always do.

Like I said though, Thursdays have always been special, but even more so because of her. We would talk for hours, regardless of who else came and went amongst our friends. Our conversations were all over the place, about everything, eventually, it became the two of us just talking on the phone and not with everyone else on Discord. We had so many conversations, some even more intimate than I would care to admit, but still, I looked forward to the days when we talked.

Then there was the one Thursday, everything changed. Ryan and I were talking on the phone about some philosophical stuff, like different religious-cultural views, spanning from the creation of humanity to the afterlife. We were deep into the conversation when I began to have one of my infamous panic attacks. Here I was, heart racing, trembling, shaking, trying to catch my breath, sensing impending doom as I tried to shake off the numbness and chest pain caused by the panic attack. Her voice frantically asked if I was going to be okay. Then the line went dead, no sound coming out of the phone at all. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Miffed, I dropped the phone and pulled myself off the floor after suddenly feeling all the distress fade away. “Did she hang up on me?” I asked myself as I walked around my small studio apartment. I felt great, better than I had in a long time usually my panic attacks would leave some residual feelings of anxiety and fatigue, but not this time. I went over to my phone trying to check it as I picked it up off the floor. “Damn you lock screen! Why do you always have problems unlocking?” I muttered.

There was a knock at the door, so I dropped the phone on the counter and went to answer it. The handle was shaking like someone furiously trying to break in. Unsure if I flung the door open, or whoever it was trying to get in that opened it, but there it was, wide open with nobody standing there. Chills crept up my spine, like a blood-curdling scream as I glanced down the hall, still nobody. Hmm… weird.

I closed the door and walked back into my small apartment hearing the sounds of muffled crying. “Damn neighbor,” I whispered to myself, “always having their TV at full blast.” Plopping down on the couch, I then reached over hitting the button to turn on my TV in hopes to drown out the noises from the neighbors. Loud gasps resonated between my walls and out of the corner of my eye I saw the remote I had just used float up into the air turning off the TV.

Freaking out, I pushed back onto the sofa in disbelief. Watching in astonishment as the remote floated there in the air, casually swaying side to side like a wizard’s wand, I began to hear the hushed toned mumbling of people. Straining my ears trying to hear what was being said, I watched as the remote floated back down onto the table. ‘What was going on?’ I thought as I pushed back onto the sofa further like a frightened child.

Days went by, pushing closer to Thursday, as my solitudinous life went on, as it did for so many years before. I was tired of this life, tired of being alone with no one to share the little things in life that brought me joy. It was because of my loneliness that I looked forward to Thursdays, awaiting to share my time with others, and slowly Thursday had arrived.

Finally, it was Thursday again and I began to quickly move about my small apartment preparing to spend time with my friends and Ryan, but something was wrong. What is going on? Why are my things shuffled around looking as if all my worldly possessions have begun being boxed up? Is this some cruel joke that is being played on me? Everything is being packed up. I begin to shuffle through boxes, pulling things out, and hastily trying to put them back where they belong.

Once again, I heard the eerie gasps and mutterings of hushed tones. The questions, “Who is it? Who’s here?” danced faintly to echo within my ears.

I knew this voice! “Ryan,” I stuttered, “where are you? Why can’t I see you? What is going on?”

“I’m here!” her voice sobbed to me. “I’m so sorry…”

“Sorry? Sorry for what?” I exclaimed back.

“I’m sorry that you…”, her voice trailing off, fading to where I could not hear it any longer.

“Sorry? Sorry for what?” I screamed.

“I’ll find a way to…” was the only faint echo I heard.

Time seemed to hopelessly fly by, blurring one day into the next. I was beginning to feel as if no one else still existed. Looking out the window I saw no one, usually, the streets are teeming with people. No one was ever in the halls, although I heard voices here and there. Am I to be alone forever? Where is everyone? And time still ticked on.

A Thursday, several weeks after I last heard Ryan’s sweet voice, the door opened to my apartment and a woman shrouded in glimmering energy stepped in. “Hello,” she said smiling. The energy flowing off her enveloped around another woman that was with her tracing her form. I knew her, it was Ryan, I could see her beautiful face and delicate form because of this stranger.

“Who are you?” I stammered.

“I am a medium. Ryan here,” she said to me as she motioned towards Ryan, “found me and told me about you. She has a message for you.”

“What?” I asked curiously.

“She said that she felt you were trapped here, in your lonely apartment,” the woman’s face seemed to sadden as she spoke. “Ryan thinks it was because of the sickness that you suffered while you were still alive.”

“Still alive?” I interrupted “What do you mean by that?”

“I’m sorry to have to tell you, but it was so sudden.” Her face grew longer “The doctors think you died while you were talking to Ryan on the phone. You had a heart attack and it was over, so suddenly.”

“I’m… I’m…” my hand covered my face in disbelief stopping the very words from coming out.

“Ryan says she’s sorry,” the woman said quickly cutting me off. “She had so many things she wanted to tell you. So many things I’m sure you already knew, like how much she loves you.” Glancing over at Ryan, “She wanted to tell you before... this.”

Beginning to tear up I wept the words “I love her too, I never got to tell her how much…”

“She knows,” she said looking back at me. “She wants you to know everything will be fine and it’s time for you to find happiness.”

“But how?” I asked, confused.

“That’s where I come in?” she said smiling. “I’ve come here to help you cross over.” The woman extended her finger, pointing behind me. “Go into the light with love.”

Turning slowly, I turned to see a warm brilliant light, flowing with love inviting me to enter. Glancing back, I smiled and stepped in. Our words echoed “I love you” deep into the whispered disconnection.