At Sea, Lost

“COMING ABOUT!”

“Huh?!”

*SLAM*!

As my eyes flick back open, I look down into a vast emptiness. Striking sun rays gleam as if they were poking through holes in a forest’s canopy. I realize that I’m submerged in the cold, salty waves I’ve begrudgingly come out to. A gurgled shout floods bubbles of my air around my face. They don’t rise to the surface as fast as I do.

I cough and wretch up a flask worth of salt water that went up my nose as I gasp for new breath. Tears and coughs shoot out of me as I’m bobbed up and down, watching my sailboat drift away from me.

“Hey! HEEEY! H-“ A large, forceful wave swells over me and shoves my head back under the water.

I thrash about as I choke down another mouthful of salty dread. Like a frightened child, my arms and legs flail, clawing through the water to propel me back up.

Erupting out of the water, I clutch at the sky for air and turn myself just fast enough to catch my breath before the next wave swallows me. With a short gasp, I hold my breath. With air finally in my lungs, I remember how to swim. I feel a throbbing sting cutting across my cheek to the side of my temple.

“What happened… The wind change…The sail’s boom hit me.” I think to myself.

I tread water hard to get my head above the waves. Shaking my head in disbelief, I see, far out in the distance, a miniature version of my boat. I immediately dive down and start, throwing my arms over my head while my legs kick. I give it my all. An eternity of nearly one hundred seconds later, I pick my head up to stop and breathe. When I finally look up to see how much of the gap I’ve closed, the ship is a speck in the distance.

“Oh… no.” I huff as I flip onto my back, trying and catch my breath. A few deep breaths a wave pushed me under.

I fling about, looking around for other boats that might see my ship drifting away.

“HELP! HEEELP!” I scream out. I push my legs hard to get my arms into the air, flailing about, rising with the coming waves.

The boat keeps moving until it crosses the horizon of my vision and just keeps going.

“Oh no.”

It leaves my vision.

“No! You bastard! Don’t you leave me behind!” I scream out, choking and coughing between curses. “You prick! I never wanted to come here! You never cared! *Huff* *Huff* You never cared about me! That’s why… I never came out with you! You… shit! Come back here you bastard! Fuck you! *Ack* *Cough* Fuck you! Fuck you! *Ack* *Huff* *Cough* *Huff*”

I raise my fists and slam them against the water in my anger. I jolt around in a circle again, looking for any means of salvation. I lock onto the shore, which seems to be moving away from me as well. The riptide I’ve always heard about has me in its clutches. Kicking and coughing, my arms are desperately waving in the air again for someone to see me. Someone sunbathing on the beach, a lifeguard, the coastguard, an old lady, anyone.

I need someone to see me right now. Anybody,” I think. “The coast guard, another boat, a fucking sunbathing grandma. Anybody. I need somebody to see me, anybody. Please. I need… I need to breathe. Breathe…

One, two, three, four. One, two, three. One, two, three, four. One, two, three. Inhale, outhale. Focus on your breathing. One, two, three, four. One, two, three. Slow down your arms. Kick in circles. Helicopter those arms. Helicopter… Oh! A helicopter is bound to see me. Someone is! Just keep treading. You can do this. You can make it out of this. A helicopter will see you. One always passes by sooner or later. One, two, three, four…”

*****

A sharp gasp in realization of a terrible truth cuts the rhythm of my groove. I can feel the adrenaline that I relied on to stay afloat begin to shrivel. My blood freezes, my abdomen clenches, and my skin shivers. Paddling gets harder as I notice the orange, pink, and blue hues on the clouds- the sun is setting.

“Oh fuck… No one will be able to see me in the dark. Not unless a passing ship spots me but even then. Oh… fuck. No. No! I am not going to die in the fucking ocean! This is why I never wanted to come out here. The beach was always fine! Oh man, oh man, oh man. Fuck! Breathe! I need to breathe!”

I flip onto my back and manage to take a few deep breaths. One, two, three- *Ack!*

A wave submerges me, cutting off my breath. I splash about, eyes closed, retching, trying to catch my breath. When I open my eyes back up, the sun is my mirror, sinking into the horizon. It’s burning shallows as it tempts me to join it, slowly letting the sea drag it down. My body grows heavier. My head follows the sun, and my eyes are level with it at the very surface of the water. The shimmers on the surface remain pure white on top of the blackening depths in which I could once see my treading limbs. Now, I can see nothing more than the gliding motion of the top of the water.

Dread washes over me along with the next wave. I stop treading for a moment, transfixed by the setting darkness. I stare out into the nothingness that engulfs me and the majority of the planet.

“I’ve never felt so weightless and yet, so heavy.”

A painful squeeze in my lungs shocks my body back into motion to the surface. I explode out of the water in a massive gasp of air like a whale breaching. Coughing and hacking, I wipe my eyes from the sting of the salt water. I can see light in my blurry vision.

“Lights? Is that the shore?” My heart beats a little faster in excitement.

I fill up my stomach with a deep breath and flip onto my back to float. With my hands free, I’m able to finally clear my watery, red eyes, burning from salt.

“Whoa.”

The night sky is illuminated by thousands of twinkling stars, the likes of which I’ve never seen before. I’ve only ever known city skies that hold eight or nine stars on a clear night. Nothing like this. Nothing like this. I don’t know if it’s the situation or the cold, but I feel butterflies in my stomach. My breathing shallows, but my face feels flushed.

“I never want to look away. This is… everything. This is-“ *WHUMP*

A solid mass riding the approaching wave slams into the back of my head, shoving me back under the water. I couldn’t tell if I was unconscious or not, submerged again in the pitch black vastness.

*****

My hands and arms reemerge first, flailing about wildly to try and grab onto whatever hit me. Nothing is there. My head emerges and in my tired, shallow gasps I look around the starlit waves. Though my eyes are adjusted, the white gleam on the crevasses of the swaying and curling waves is more distracting than helpful in spotting whatever was large enough to do this much damage to me. My head is killing me. But, something floating is something I can use to float. Something I can use to make it through this.

“I can live. I can survive this. I won’t die here. I won’t die to the ocean.”

Then, I see it. A black mass, maybe a log or branch dragged out in the storm a few days ago. It’s being dragged away by the tide, same as I am, only it looks like it’s moving much faster than I am. I don’t hesitate. I launch myself, diving into the vast darkness in the direction of my non-living assailant. I put all of my strength into every stroke and kick towards it. When my lungs twinge in pain, I resubmerge and throw my arms over my head, exploding water up into the air with each kick. I paddle, sucking in as much air as I can when I raise my head up. I exhale so hard with my head down that I scream into the depths below, forcing myself to push past all physical limitations I’ve ever had before, pushing my body to its limit and pushing through that. I refuse to stop. I paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, and *SLAM*!

My hand smacks into bark. I get both hands on top of it and use what is left of my energy to throw myself up on top of it in a wriggling struggle. I get ontop of it, slung over the rectangular log horizontally. I breathe deep, gagging and huffing, trying to catch my breath. The waves rock the log and in an instant, my unbalanced weight throws me back into the cold face first in the middle of a breath.

I grab onto the log, gasping and coughing. I can barely hold on. I’m exhausted.

“Haha! I did it,” I laugh. “Aah, oww! My head. Ooh.”

I slowly pull myself closer to the log so I can lean my head back to ease some of the pain. It’s so dark outside, it must be a New Moon. The sky is lit up without a moon by the galaxy. Millions of stars in the sky and the ever-reaching sea blend together in the distance. It’s almost as if I were to travel far enough out into the darkness, I’d swim up into the ocean of stars. Looking out into the distance though, there is no distant horizon from the curve of the Earth. Space and the sea look like they’ve been warped together.

I’m hypnotized by my rhythmic deep breaths while I’m wrapped in this otherworldly landscape. After some time passes in my admiration, my now calm breathing winces to my cramping biceps.

I shimmy my hands onto either end of the log.

“Come on. You can do this. You can do this. Deep breath.”

I use what remains of my strength to pull my head and chest onto the log, swing my leg up, and clamber the rest of my body on. I carefully but quickly inch myself around to balance my weight out, my face flat on the log. A few waves rock me and I brace every muscle that will still listen to me to not fall over. I get the hang of it after a few pass by. I can finally relax enough to catch my breath and quit hyperventilating. But, I’m still terrified. Exhausted and terrified. My face melts into the log as I fill the sea with my tears. They feel warm as they run across the rest of the water on my face.

*****

I have zero concept of how much time has gone by as I’ve struggled to stay upright on the log, constantly being splashed awake from any respite I might’ve had for a moment of peace while looking out at the beautiful, black sea of stars.

It feels like days have gone by in my brutal struggle. I don’t have the energy to curse anyone, let alone be any kind of resentful. In my miserable struggle, I feel as though I have lived an entire lifetime. I can barely move my head off the log, my beloved aide. But, I can still see the stars. I’ve never known real love in my lifetime, and I don’t know if this is that.

“I want to be a part of it.” I think. Or, maybe I’m coming to terms with losing my grip.

Without any warning, the log rolls over. I smack into the ocean with a splash. Though the cold shocks my skin and tightens my bones, I try to keep my eyes open. In this new lifetime, I want nothing more than to be a part of this world that I had no idea existed; this ocean of stars.

When my eyes reopen, bubbles burst out from my nose and mouth in my shock. I look out among the vast sea of beautiful, golden, shimmering rays of light.

“Look at that light shining from the sea’s stars. I’m… I’m in it! I’m a part of it!”

My head doesn’t hurt anymore, but my chest is tight and for some reason I’m lightheaded. Maybe that’s just what stars feel like. It doesn’t feel too bad. It’s nice and quiet. When I look around, I notice how truly vast and empty the ocean is. I realize how badly we the stars need the ample, void space. That must be why I’ve been so lonely. So lonely until now

I feel warmth on the back of my head. After being in the cold water, it feels so good. My eyes are beginning to close but I want to feel the warmth on my face so badly. I shift my weight and my body slowly rotates up towards the light source.

Suddenly, the light stops shining.

*HMMMMMMM*

A long, loud, deep hum rings throughout the space. It shakes and vibrates my entire body violently. The back and side of my head throb.

“A… foghorn?”