The Blood of Ancestors Past- A new mother's story

Have you ever seen a tornado mix in with a hurricane? Well, being a first time mom is similar to what that looks like- at least I would imagine so. Babies are the absolute best; they smell amazing, look at you with those adorable new eyes and want nothing more than to be by your side every moment. They are by far the most magical beings on earth….so I used to always tell myself.

My name is Kelsey and I am a first time mom. My son, Storm, was born only three nights ago. I have learned very quickly what it means to be a single, full time mother with no help from anyone. No family or friends, no coworkers stopping by to help out and check out my new bundle of joy, no neighbors excited to finally meet the newest addition to the apartment complex… no one. Just me, my son and a bird who keeps pecking at my window.

Before Storm, I was just a soon to be mom, reading all the books on how to do it perfectly. Who doesn’t want to be the perfect parent? I think we all strive for that in one sense or another; however now, I see that being a perfect parent is probably something a bit too high to strive for. Right now, I am in survival mode. I have convinced myself that if I can make it the next few weeks, it will be all uphill from there. Maybe it won’t but right now, I have to hold onto any hope I can to make it through.

Constant crying, eating, burping, diaper changes, sore nipples, and on and on and on. The needs never stop. The pain never ends. They never tell you all of these extra fun things in the fancy little baby books you buy yourself to try and prepare. Every book made the first nights seem almost like a fantasy that I was so desperately waiting to experience- yet the fantasy was a lie and I honestly feel like I am living in a nightmare.

Storm is by far the cutest thing I have ever seen in my whole life, which really says something since I am used to working with puppies and kittens at the shelter every day. When he is not crying, and i’m not crying, he is everything I had ever hoped for in life. I love him more than my own self and I would do anything in the world to make him satisfied- but it seems as though no matter what I do, it is never enough….. is it ever going to be enough? Will the small choices I make now always stick with him? My mind is my true nightmare- doubting every choice I make, no matter how small.

After putting him down for a nap, it never fails that I myself turn into what looks like a child. I try to keep it together but the tears flow down my face as if they were waterfalls heading off of a cliff. The absolute pressure I feel to be perfect is the most gut wrenching thing I have ever put myself through- and I know I am doing it to myself, but I can’t help it. I want him to know I am here for him- forever and always…. but none of that seems to matter in that moment of confusion, anxiety and doubt. 

I have never doubted myself more than I do as a mother. Am I doing enough? Am I giving him what he needs? Does he secretly already hate me? Am I not bonding with him like I should? The questions flood in my mind like tornadoes rushing through a valley ripping apart everything it touches. The pressure that comes with being a mother is something I was never told to expect or prepare for… but how would you even prepare for that? My mind is my own worst enemy right now. Picking apart every small noise he makes as a sound of disgust for how I am mothering him even though I am doing the best that I can. I guess that is how my mother felt when she was raising me….before she decided to up and leave, forcing me into the foster system bouncing around from house to house. 

I always told myself that I would never be able to forgive my mother for what she had done for me, but after these few days, maybe she felt the same way. Maybe she thought giving me to someone else would make for a better life…. but she was wrong. I think about my past a lot- even though I don’t know much about it. I think of how my mother felt when she first laid eyes on me- how my grandmother felt when she first laid eyes on my mother- and how all the women in my past felt upon seeing their children for the first time. 

Although being a new mom is the hardest job I have ever encountered- physically and emotionally- it has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Even with tears in my eyes, messy hair, un-brushed teeth, three hours of sleep and spit up on my pajamas, I have never felt so whole- so bountiful- so full of life.

In these moments of doubt with how Storm may be feeling about my choices for his care, I almost feel drawn to my past ancestors and their strength. In all of life, strong women have built our past, present and soon, our future. Women are fearless, even when we are scared to death. We may not always make the best decisions but we always make the best decision we can in the moment. We do what we think is best for our children, even if it is choosing death or pain for ourselves. We hold the tornadoes and hurricanes in our bones. Nothing can hold us down, as we live with the blood of our ancestors' past.