A Bike Without Training Wheels

(TRIGGER WARNING - Talk of eating disorders)

***

Shannonnn,

Shanny Shan Shan,

I think that I’ve lost my way with words. Who would’ve thought! In middle school I was basically Emily Dickinson in mom jeans.

I have no idea how to start this, and I know I should just grow a pair and say it in person. But that´s bound to be awkward. 

So, I’m writing now, at the bow of the ferry, cheap coffee in hand, headed toward you. The barista downstairs told me I look a little like Leighton Meester. I know you love her, so it feels like a compliment to us both. It kind of went to my head, I started watching Gossip Girl edits, and I trailed up here to the deck. And let me tell you, the inlet is so dark, I can´t tell the difference between sky and sea. Despite the endless thought I´ve put into this, I still don’t know what to say.

For starters, I hope you’re doing alright in Westpoint. I think about you all the time. I feel guilty, Shan.

When I get to Addison Bridge, I’ll meet up with Kit and Sadie, and your mom will pick us up. I’ve been in touch with your mom, and she told me that you worked hard to earn these visitation hours. So I dropped everything. Even my brunch with the girls from Miller and my annual family reunion (you’re totally saving me from that one).

Remember when we sent each other old-fashioned letters like this during quarantine? I used to make my brother turn off all the lights so I could write by moonlight, you know, really get the full experience. I almost burned the house down trying to char the edges of this paper yesterday. I was going to write this earlier this week so you’d get it before I arrived, and use my mom´s fancy George Morrison stamps, but… you know me. Procrastination. So, here we are.

And truth be told, I feel like I´m always saying the wrong thing to you. The worst possible combination of words. I’ve been writing you letters for months now, but you haven’t been responding. Which is totally fine! No pressure. But just be straight up with me, are you pissed? I know you said it’s fine, but still…

Anyway,

this week has been interesting.

First, I broke my school laptop somehow. On Wednesday, I opened it in first period, and the screen was crazy. Black with rainbow pixels everywhere, glitching. Even Mr. Clark was freaked out. He was like, “LJ, what the hell happened?” And I was like, “I don’t know, sorry… gahh!” I was pretty embarrassed. Anyway, I have to pay $35 for it, which isn’t that bad. Pro tip: If you ever break your laptop, make sure there’s nothing in the case. It’ll cost less to fix with the warranty.

Second, I had my driving test yesterday. I was stressing about it all week; it was all I could think about. I passed, even though I can’t parallel park. They gave me this lanyard as a “prize,” which I think is weird. You’d think they’d give out a sticker or pen, something teens can actually use. Like, whoop-dee-doo, I’ve got a driving school lanyard. My dream come true. Now I have to find something else to stress about (AP Calc… yay).

Oh, speaking of which, I heard you dropped AP Calc. I totally get it, I mean, Kit sort of dragged us into it (bless her heart). I almost dropped it when we started that unit on differentiation. But I’m worried about you, Shan. You were so insistent that it would help your transcript, and I know you’ve been away for months. But… 

Look, I know this is all sounding pretty anecdotal. I googled how to write a letter like this, and it said I should keep things lighthearted. But I can’t keep pretending this is about anything else, Shannon.

I’m writing this because I’m mad at you. I’m mad at myself. 

I mean, you just left without a word. Let me believe everything was fine. And I get it, I do, but it still hurts like hell. We´re best friends, we´re supposed to talk about everything. Instead I found out from what, a rushed text from your mom? Telepathy? 

Let’s start from the beginning.

For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve always said food gets stuck in your throat, that you can’t breathe when it happens. And I just believed you. Blindly. But Shan, it’s not true. Is it?

When you’d stand up with tears in your eyes in the cafeteria and rush out abruptly, it wasn’t because that school mac and cheese was making you choke. When Kit and Sadie and I would follow you to the bathroom and find you with fingers in your mouth, that wasn’t what was happening. I’m sorry I didn’t realize what was going on. I feel like an idiot for that. 

I should’ve seen it. I knew you were struggling with some stuff, but not the extent, and I got caught up in my own shit. I´m so sorry. You needed me and I wasn't there.

Well, that’s the other thing. The main thing.

I’m also crazy sorry about what I said. I was a hypocritical baby. I can’t expect you to know everything going on with me. I never even asked about you! I mean, how were you supposed to know how much Sam dying still affects me?

I said things I shouldn’t have and called you names I didn’t mean. You’ve always been so, so kind to me about my insecurities. Like, when we went to that creepy old diner and I ranted to you about how I hated my nose. You told me to turn to the side and then decided that I looked like a model. It made me feel so much better, because your validation meant the world to me.

I’ll be better, Shannon. I’ll be a better friend.

Remember in fourth grade when I gave you that Rainbow Loom bracelet with the BFF charm and told you I knew we’d be friends forever? In sixth grade when we’d sit on the field by the old train tracks and eat lunch together. Back when you were my only friend? My OG? Going homecoming dress shopping at Macy’s freshman year, and I took a picture of you because you totally looked like a 2000s rom-com star. Even though you made me delete it, it was true. I meant it all back then, and I mean it now. We’ll get through this. You always have me. 

I know this isn’t easy. Recovery is tough and slow. But this is all a sign of life and effort. I’m proud of you.

And soon, we’ll talk. About everything. But for right now, I’m just watching the waves lap on the hull, feeling the breeze on my neck. I wonder if you´re seeing this sunrise too, it´s insane. 

Sending all the love I have,

LJ

***                                         

P.S. The polaroid in the envelope is one I´ve had on my bedroom wall for years. Seaside, 2015. A summer of skinned knees. The first time you ever rode a bike without training wheels.

I don´t know why I kept the picture. Maybe it´s the look on your face, the instant you realized you had gotten the hang of it. 

You were faster than me from the moment you started pedaling.