Hantics and Henemies

Content notice: swearing, drugs, sex. Consider yourselves warned!

Hen party=bachelorette

Love Hearts=Sweethearts

Sixth Form=high school

‘Look guys, nowhere in the schedule does it say “spend thirty minutes in duty-free buying Juicy Couture, a lifetime supply of Haribo, and … sexy stuff”,’ said Alice, twisting her hair round her finger, as she waited for her friends to choose something - anything - take it to the till, and pay for it.

‘No time for a hookup either!’ said Megan, wagging her finger at Roxana, who was deliberating between Extended Pleasure and Thin Feel.

Roxana gave a small nod. ‘Don’t worry Alice. I respect your plan.’ She selected Thin Feel.

Megan, who’d worn sunglasses from take-off to landing, smirked. ‘Maybe you could schedule your hookup between the “Hannah in a sentence activity” and “Group playlist curation” - you’ll get a grand fifteen minutes.’

‘If everyone’d submitted to Hannah’s Hen playlist on time, we wouldn’t have had to put it in the schedule,’ said Alice. ‘And don’t!’ she held up her hand, ‘tell me about Spotify’s AI feature again. I wanted the personal touch.’

What she really wanted was a reason to fill the days, from first light to lights out. First up: navigating the usual hen-do awkwardness, where someone’s sister gets lumped in with “the work crew”. Absolutely the case here: Jessie, Hannah’s sister, had only met Megan (from the ad agency) and Roxana (a friend of the groom) on WhatsApp. After a delayed Friday flight to Turkey, the schedule was doing her a favour.

Then there was the bride-to-be, whose exploits were so notorious they’d inspired a nickname, invented by their best friend Jai back in their days at St. Elwick’s High. Hantics (noun): unpredictable actions powered by chaotic extraversion, which can end up being unbelievable - or devastating). Without proper distraction, she could ruin her own hen-do for some gin-wild fantasy.

Last, there was Nova. Alice wished that Hannah hadn’t kept in quite such good contact with her. Alice hadn’t. Once school was done, they’d realised that some in the “Scooby gang” had more in common than others. Her plan to stave off the small talk went as follows: crowd out the awkwardness with minute-by-minute activities.

‘Guys!’ Hannah hurtled out of the duty-free aisles, followed by Jai and Jessie. Jai, who hadn’t lifted his eyes off his phone since England, careered into a stand of evil-eye keyrings. New boyfriend, apparently.

Nova sauntered up behind them, hands in the pockets of her plum harem pants. Alice half-remembered hearing she was living in a commune now, but if she asked her about it, it’d only show how much she didn’t know. Nova’s social media had been quiet for years, so Alice wasn't exactly up to speed.

‘Remember Magaluf after sixth form? I gave out Love Hearts and got us VIP at Pirates Reloaded?’ Hannah bounced on her toes. ‘Well, this time -’ she held up an overflowing rucksack ‘- it’s a whole bag!’ A few sweets skittered across the floor.

Alice picked them up, as well as the evil eyes. She exhaled. Not a total derailment. It was actually a talking point, which is fine. She’d have to limit the Magaluf chat though.

‘Okay, we lost our original taxi bookings because we're late - no one’s fault,’ she said, voice rising. ‘Don’t panic, I've sorted some more. It's an hour to the hotel so on the way, I thought we could all start thinking about our pitches!’ She clapped with every word: ‘Hannah's. Dream. Wedding. Prep.’

Jai tore his eyes away from his phone: ‘Hey, what happened to the marketplace trip? It’s on the plan.’ He jabbed the screen. ‘Right here. It’s perfect for -’ he paused. ‘For getting some, some incense for, er, the vibe.’

‘Oooooh yes,’ said Jessie, placing a heavily-bangled arm on his shoulder. ‘I forgot my nagchampa. I’m going to get all clouded without it.’ She wafted her hands around her head.

Roxana nudged Jessie and cackled. ‘Maybe it will help clouding out thousand Camel Lights you shoved in your suitcase.’

Jessie went pink.

‘You will get used to me,’ said Roxana. ‘I was born in Poland, raised in horrible confession box. No use speaking truth just in secret walls.’

‘This marketplace has mad reviews,’ said Megan. ‘One says the incense stall also does tarot readings.’

‘Fuck yes!’ said Hannah. ‘We’re taking the Love Hearts to the market!’

***

Alice had rescued the whole outing with a scavenger hunt. Just when it seemed like Hannah might push things into full-on disaster territory, she’d swooped in with a challenge. In two teams they each had to buy three items: something that represented Hannah and Mariusz (the happy couple), something blue, and something unexpected.

Later, at the villa, and after the “Hannah quiz” and “best Hantics-related costume”, they shared their hauls.

Alice, Jessie and Roxana had come back with a small orb set in an ornate but tarnished base.

‘Because you’re each other's future,’ explained Jessie, looking into it expectantly.

‘It is a sand globe,’ added Roxana.

For their blue item, they'd found a shoal of small stone fish - one for each person. And for their “unexpected” item they’d got a bottle of water.

“Well, that can get back in the sea,’ said Hannah, swigging her beer.

Jai, Hannah, Nova and Megan (Jai had insisted they all stay together) had selected a tiny ship in a bottle, to represent how Hannah and Mariusz had met, when she'd stowed herself away on his tourist boat. They'd picked up a blue beaded belly-dancing shawl which had immediately set Hannah’s dial to “shimmy”.

‘And for our unexpected item…’ said Hannah, grinning as she rifled in her bag. ‘A little after-dinner treat.’

She held her closed fist out for the group, fingers unfurling to reveal its precious treasure: a ragged bit of cling film, containing a handful of pills.

‘Who’s in?’ she asked, and before Alice could say anything, she popped one into her mouth.

‘Don’t forget, everybody,’ said Alice, ‘Jessie’s leading sunrise yoga tomorrow -’ she trailed off as one by one, Jai, Nova and Megan all knocked one back.

Roxana politely shook her head. ‘Every day I feel like Superwoman. Don’t need drugs to confirm this.’

Jessie looked longingly at the tablets before excusing herself to go and make tea. A smoky tea. On the balcony.

As the pills did their magic, gradually dissolving to oblivion, so too did Alice’s grand plans for “Hannah’s wedding prep” pitches. She couldn’t even save “Hannah-oke” - all they wanted to do was talk. She slyly added tracks to the playlist, as Hannah regaled them with the latest Hantics: mostly centred around the semi-Bacchanalian ad agency she and Megan worked for.

‘And it’s true,’ said Hannah, ‘that Magic Leap has a secret room called FiveSenses that’s completely experimental VR. It uses sensors on your brain so you can feel, smell and taste an experience, using your own memories - I asked for cheesy chips from Mack’s, you remember the van from Magaluf? Oh, my god. Got them absolutely bang on.’

Nova looked impressed. ‘Can you take a friend next time? I’d love to visit the past.’ she said. Alice was ready to move swiftly off the topic. ‘Like, a Hendrix gig or something,’ she clarified.

‘Wish I could,’ said Hannah. ‘But Jason - owns the agency - moved me off the account. Dickhead. Don’t know what his problem is. But whatever -’ she flicked a tiny fish off the table, ‘- I like moving around.’

‘So what was the headset like?’ asked Jai, tapping away on his phone, which appeared to have infinite battery life.

‘Jai, it is very rude, you are on your phone too much,’ said Roxana, before Hannah could reply. ‘What is this man, writing you whole novel of his feelings?’

‘I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s my agent,’ he said, and immediately, as though his brain had just caught up with his mouth, he slapped a hand over his mouth, eyes wide in horror.

‘Your what?’ said Jessie, coming back from the balcony. Hannah slammed her hands on the table. Alice looked at Megan, noticing that she looked shaken - but not surprised.

‘I didn’t mean to say that,’ he said, from behind the hand. ‘But I can’t stop - I - argh -’ and his hand flew down to his side as though dragged. ‘I’ve got a literary agent. I write a blog. It’s, um, currently in a bidding war with, like, eight major publishers.’

‘Jai!’ shouted Hannah, flinging her arms open and tackling him into a hug. ‘That’s amazing news!’

Roxana leaned over her chair with all the intent of a detective in the interview room. ‘Why not tell your best friends, then?’

Jai twitched. He seemed to be fighting something in a way which Alice found deeply unsettling. He shuffled uncomfortably, like he was about to do a tap dance, until he at last burst out:

‘The blog - it’s Hannah’s life,’ he said. ‘It’s Hantics, except, well, I changed a few things so you wouldn’t find it. I started it back in school. I missed the chance to tell you and - er - never found the right words -’

And then, in an instant, he seemed to break himself free. He ran into the bathroom and locked the door. ‘I love you, Han!’ he shouted. ‘I’m sorry!’

***

So that was why Jai insisted on being glued to Hannah. Why he’d been so keen for them all to go to the market. More content.

It was the morning after, and Alice was looking through the schedule to see what was salvageable. Maybe the gratitude activity could still work… The Hannalympics could be a good distraction if hangovers weren’t too horrific… But only Jessie and Roxana had crawled out of bed so far.

The previous night, Jai had eventually slunk out of the bathroom - incredibly spaced out. Thankfully, Hannah had been too high for a fight.

‘Babe, you know it’s not cool to make money off my life…’ she’d said.

He’d nodded, eyes on the floor. She’d let him sit with the awkwardness for a minute.

‘... unless you share it with me!’

She’d spun him round. They’d agreed to share whatever money he made.

Alice didn’t want to think about the future likelihood of this contract. She needed to get this show Back On The Road.

Hannah staggered out of her room, looking exactly as she had when she'd gone to bed the night before, except more smudged.

‘Don’t make me do yoga,’ she groaned.

The others trickled into the lounge and it wasn’t long before the conversation shifted to the previous night.

‘I think the sand globe made you do it,’ said Jessie, pointing to the offending object on the coffee table. ‘You probably pissed off too many people at the marketplace. Did you touch it yesterday, Jai?’

Jai shook his head.

‘I chose the model boat.’

They all stared at the two trinkets, as though one of them might fly, start glowing, or oozing truth serum. Nothing happened. Megan nervously shook the sand globe. Still nothing.

‘Are you sure it was not just drugs?’ asked Roxana. ‘You have big achievement; maybe you were just happy to share.’

Jai looked down again, but Hannah clapped him on the back. ‘Look, I know it’s messed up, but I think I’m actually proud of you, mate.’

‘Okay,’ said Alice, adjusting her glasses. ‘So I’ve done some rejigging and this morning we’re going to a soda tasting. Freshen us all up, okay? And then it’s going to be the Hannalympics! Everyone ready to go in fifteen?’

She waited for a reply. Hannah looked a bit queasy. Nova was frowning. Megan looked like she was trying not to be sick.

She suddenly blurted out: ‘I’ve been helping Jai with his blog!’ Like Jai yesterday, she looked like she wanted to bolt, but her feet were stuck to the floor.

‘You’ve got to be kidding,’ said Alice, putting her head in her hands, thinking about all that time she’d spent sewing customised sportswear.

‘She touched the sand globe!’ shouted Jessie.

‘I helped him with his pitch,’ Megan said, over-pronouncing every word as she fought it. ‘Because I owed him.’

She squealed, as though making one continuous noise might stop her from saying what she said next.

‘He came to our office Christmas party last year. At the time, I didn’t know why he was snooping around Hannah’s office. To be honest, I wasn’t really bothered about it, except…’ she looked at the floor, ‘Except that he’d seen me and Jason.’

‘That dickhead? He got me thrown off the Magic Leap account,’ cried Hannah.

‘Well, yeah, he is a dickhead,’ said Megan. ‘That’s why I ended it with him. Except he didn’t like that. Told the Managing Partner that he wanted that “mad girl” out of Magic Leap.’

Hannah’s eyes widened.

‘And you let them believe he meant me?’

‘I promise, Hannah,’ protested Jai. ‘I didn’t know about that bit.’

‘I’ve been telling you for months how shit I’ve been feeling about that!’ yelled Hannah, her voice cracking. She ran - Megan dodged, but Hannah wasn’t running at her.

She grabbed the globe and hurled it to the floor. Glass shattered, water splashed, and sand scattered in every direction. Hannah stood over the mess, fists clenched, tears streaking down her face as she looked around the blast radius.

‘If any of the rest of you are keeping secrets from me,’ she said, shaking, ‘I don’t want to know.’

‘It’s okay,’ said Nova, tiptoeing over the broken glass to hug Hannah. She held her close, eye to eye, smiling gently. ‘What are Hantics without a bit of drama?’

Alice’s heart was hammering all the ideas out of her. This was not in the plan. Not a single bullet point of meticulous scheduling had accounted for this situation. She’d feared awkward small talk, not dark magic. She stood, silent and uncomprehending, too feeble to move.

Jessie crept closer to the remains of the sand globe. ‘Now we’ll be cursed,’ she whispered.

‘It’s the boat,’ said Jai. ‘I never touched the globe.’

‘The pills could have been - I dunno - magic?’ said Megan, like she hardly believed she was saying it.

‘We should have gone to Skegness,’ Alice muttered, her voice flat and distant..

‘But you’ll fix things, won’t you Alice?’ said Nova, and for the first time that weekend, met Alice’s eyes.

Maybe Alice was just sleep deprived, but Nova’s hair looked wilder, curlier, than it had yesterday. She didn’t look like somebody on a comedown. She looked like she’d been in the Turkish baths all day. She seemed like she was, well, glowing - actually, really glowing. Alice blinked hard.

‘What’s going on, Nova?’ she asked.

‘I don’t know, Alice,’ she said, and something in her tone caused Hannah to carefully edge away, so Nova stood alone amongst the explosion of water and glass. Her gaze was locked into Alice’s. ‘Do you think it’s the cursed sand globe? Or the little boat? Or the magical pills?’ she mocked.

‘No,’ said Alice, as she suddenly saw, but did not recognise, this person in front of her. She finally understood the difference between the person she had known, and this Nova.

‘I think it’s you.’

Nova smiled.

‘You got it.’

‘I don’t understand,’ said Hannah. ‘You’re the one ruining everything?’

‘You think this is all down to some random trinket you picked up from an “exotic” marketplace? Racist, much?’ She laughed. ‘Anyway, I don’t know about ruining. I feel like my magic is adding a little,’ and here she turned her attention to Alice. ‘Spontaneity. Now, do I need to use a truth telling spell on you too, or do you care to share of your own free will?’

‘Alice, you’re the reliable one,’ said Hannah, stricken. ‘Not you too.’

‘Oh, it’s not all about you,’ said Nova. ‘And Jessie -’

Jessie, who had been silently creeping up on Nova from behind with a large marble pestle, froze.

‘- if you dare touch me, I’ll hex you.’

Jessie dropped the pestle and retreated.

‘It’s Magaluf, isn’t it?’ said Alice. ‘I don’t - I don’t know what you want me to say.’

‘Yes you do.’ Nova folded her arms.

Alice searched her memory for the truth she’d denied so many times, she’d almost lost it entirely.

‘So, I… I didn’t invite you.’

‘Because your parents couldn’t afford for you, Hannah, Jai and me to go? Like you told me?’

‘No,’ Alice admitted. ‘Because I didn't want you to come. Because I wanted to exclude you. Because…’ she wrapped her hair around her finger, like she had as a child. ‘You turned up in sixth form, and you took my friends away, okay? I just - didn’t want you around. I’m sorry.’

They looked at each other. No one said a word.

‘Well,’ Nova’s tone was brittle. ‘You made that very hard work. But even so, I appreciate the truth, Alice.’

‘But this is the end of it now, right?’ said Alice. ‘We’re done?’

‘I’m done with them,’ she said, flicking a hand to Jai and Hannah. ‘They just went along for the ride.’ She grinned at Alice, teeth bared. ‘But you might want to get yourself some skills.’

She conjured a flourish of glitter and blew it towards her. ‘You’ve got yourself a nemesis.’

And with a crack, she disappeared.

Roxana broke the silence. ‘You know, when Mariusz first introduced me to Hannah, he said she is fun, but all her friends are boring people. But he was so wrong.’

Alice stood with hands over closed eyes. Hannah threw herself face first onto the sofa. Jai picked up his phone.

‘You lot,’ she continued, ‘are professionals at avoiding the subject.’

Jessie started picking up shards of globe.

‘What do we do now, Alice?’ she asked.

Alice peeked through her fingers. She looked at yesterday’s mess strewn across the floor, her fellow hens, wrecked and prone, and the irreparable damage done to the globe.

‘Whatever you like,’ she said. ‘Whatever the fuck you like.’