Gen

TW: mental illness and depression. Read with discretion...

Another wretched morning, another sleepless night. There she was yet again in her room, pit in her stomach never seemed to leave. But it wasn’t just the pit that bothered her, it was the fact that she knew the pit would never go away. She was stuck, it was stuck, they were stuck together and there was no way out. Like a moth to a flame, unfortunately they were one and now they drew each other out. 

One of the many struggles of mundane living. How was I to please them, and make myself happy? How was I to be happy at all? Many live in a house that they may call a home, but Gen never had the pleasure. She was unhappy, unstable, miserable, and hopeless but what was she to do? A penniless, unmotivated, nearing the edge 17 year old in the big city. 

Making up your mind to move out of a situation that negatively impacts you is a tricky thing. Although it may bring nothing but misery, she had gotten used to that misery, and found a place of comfort in it. I don't know if I can go on like this D, I don’t want to be them. I don’t want to be middle aged, stressed, and full of regret because I’ve dug myself into my own hole of despair. My own personal HELL. Dev was an on and off again love interest. Their relationship was complicated for the average person but with all that Gen had endured in her seventeen years, she managed to view their dynamic as wholesome and healthy, or rather helpful and safe. I don’t want to wake up one morning and realize that I wasted all my potential, forcing myself into a career path that’ll bring me nothing but misery. I don't want to wake up and realize that I did it all wrong, that it’s too late, and that I’m stuck.

Disappointment, fear, and embarrassment were three things that Gen was burdened with during her every waking moment on earth. Babe you’re probably not gonna like this one, but screw your parents okay. You’ve been through hell and back and the fact that you still manage to wake up every morning and push through it is admirable. You’re hardworking, beautiful, and driven. You don’t have to live up to their expectations of perfection. What Devin said to Gen made sense, it wasn’t anything that she hadn’t told herself a million times before, but it made sense. She had thought of every single outcome in every single situation. But in the end it all brought her back to a starting point. If I don’t do what they want me to do, I’ll feel like a stranger in my own house. I’ll walk around on eggshells in here, living in my own bubble of disappointment and embarrassment. I’ll be my very own self portrait of what my dad called, family’s disgrace. What was one to do in a situation like this? 

They say though the human brain fully develops later on in life, adolescent years bring upon nothing by knowledge and experience. As a child matures into a young adult, they start to develop their own ideals of right and wrong. And the unfortunate reality of the situation is that people can’t change people. Gen had accepted that a very long time ago, she was no longer fighting with herself and her so-called “loved ones” for them to see what made her happy. She was no longer wasting her time and energy forcing her “ blood” to give what she wanted a chance. It was too disappointing… It was too hard. It was a waste of time, she would only be setting herself up for disaster. I just want to be happy Dev, I want to wake in the morning and feel good to be alive. I want to walk outside and feel like I'm there. I want to not feel this empty, dull, dark shadow that follows me around everyday. I want to be in a crowd of people and feel like i’m there, in that moment. I want to sleep properly at night, and be in my body and feel-... I want to feel alive. Mental illness is a versatile topic, where one can wake up every morning looking in a mirror and look fine, you may be crumbling on the inside. Holding on for dear life, begging, pleading, hoping someone would notice that you’re struggling and drowning but no one ever does. Nobody understood, she was falling apart and nobody noticed. Her family, her mother, her brother, her father, nobody noticed that she was drowning. That she cried herself to sleep at night, that every morning she woke up feeling angry that she had to live through another day of this. Nobody noticed how drained, and tired, and burnt she was. Or did they? Maybe they did notice and didn’t care, what difference did it make? They were still going to push her for academic excellence anyways. They would still never see things the way she did. They would never accept her, or forgive her for her wrongdoings in the past. It would never be the same no matter what she did. 

I- I think I'm gonna go. I don’t feel like talking right now, I’ll hit you up later. Although she desperately needed the help, the guidance, the advice, and the support, Gen convinced herself that nobody actually cared about what she had to say. So she pushed Dev away, because she was sure she needed to handle it on her own. But could she? How was she going to battle this on her own? How was five foot one, seventeen year old, one hundred and twenty five pounded Gen going to take this all on by herself? The answer was, she couldn’t, she couldn’t take another day of living like this, because she wasn’t living. She hadn’t been living for a very long time but accepting the reality of the situation was worse than living through it. 

That night Dev laid in her bed feeling empty, cold, and lifeless. Every problem, every insecurity, every worry, and stress factor she had circled in her head like a carousel. Her doubts ate at her, chipping away at her for months until there was nothing left. And there it was, the million dollar question that burned a hole in her mind every morning and every night… 

How do I get myself out of this..