Unrealistic Dreams

Unrealistic dreams, everyone has them right? Like how I wish I could be in a band but every instrument I pick up I never stick to learning. Or how I wish to be an actress but never take any action to try and actually learn how to act. I used to dream of being an astronaut when I was a kid, but that slowly depleted after I thought how ridiculous it sounded. I have had this one dream for a while that's not as unrealistic though. I dream of becoming a famous writer but it feels too far to reach. I’ve been working on a novel for two years and I have only ever written the first page. I blame it on my writer's block. The truth is, I never felt like my writing was good enough, so I lost ambition. I wish I could stick to one dream and fully accomplish it.

What's the point of still trying if I barely have any hope left for myself. I'm still young, maybe that's why I keep trying. I have time to figure things out right? Maybe take some college classes here and there. Get something to put on my resume. Is that even enough? What would I even do with my life if I succeed? Would it make me happy? There are so many unanswered questions that I can no longer turn to anyone else to solve. I must find the answers myself. I'm about to lose hope. I may never fulfill my dreams but that is only for me to know and to live with the disappointment it causes.

Living with a life full of regret, it sounds revolting. But what else is there to do? Keep trying after so many failed attempts? At some point I'm just going to exhaust myself and give up, I'm already almost there. Would the regret be so terrible that I couldn't live with myself anymore? I could find something easier to accomplish, it wouldn't feel the same. It wouldn't make me happy. I'd be stuck with a void for the rest of my life, forced to never do the one thing that brings me joy.

Even this piece of writing is bad. I mean come on I can’t think of anything better than to just write down my thoughts. There's no plot, there's no solution, there's no timeline. It's just everything I'm thinking of typed out all at once. How do I expect myself to make it big when this is all I can do? The one thing that brings me joy also brings me pain. Something like that just does not make sense. I judge myself even though I just do this for fun. I want to make a career out of it so I must improve. I have to put the work into it, but it's so debilitating. Maybe I'll just be stuck working minimum wage jobs for the rest of my life.

I have too many expectations for myself with no motivation to meet them. It's so pathetic. If I had the motivation would I even use it to write? Maybe I would use it to finally learn how to play a damn instrument. Or maybe I would use it to take acting classes. I don't think I would though. Writing is where my heart is, maybe I could write music. Accomplishing two dreams at once, music and writing. Or maybe even write a screenplay, something that I could act in. If only I had the motivation.

Instead, I barely get through the day, I feel like a robot. The same routine each day; Wake up, lay in bed, go to work, lay in bed, sleep. Some people call me lazy. I can't help it, I try so hard just to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe if I give up on my dreams it will make life easier. I won't have the pressure of trying to be the perfect writer just to get my dream job.

I’m a child stuck in an adult body. Why do I suddenly have all these responsibilities and expectations? I never realized how fast my childhood went by, until it was too late. Now, at 19 I'm already about to give up on my dreams. I wish I could go back in time. I would go back to freshman year of high school and take my English classes more seriously. I would have taken more electives that aligned with my career goals. I feel like I am starting a new subject all over again, or that I am just starting high school once more but with more responsibilities and goals.

I need a new start, maybe move to a new town, new dreams. A bigger city with bigger opportunities. There’s nothing here for me anymore. Why not start my life over once more in a completely new environment. I’ll have to start small, I have no experience with writing to my name. Everyone starts somewhere right? Stephen King was a teacher before he was known as an author. My mom accomplished what she wanted to do for a career and she's content. Why can't I do the same? I could go to college, get a degree.That would put something on my resume. I'm still young, I'm too young to give up on my dreams. I have to start small to get somewhere big.

Unrealistic dreams, everyone has them right? Like how I wish I could be in a band but every instrument I pick up I never stick to learning. The thing is though, everyone has realistic dreams as well. Like how I wish to become a writer. Or how my mom wanted to become a graphic designer, she achieved her goals why can’t I? I just have to put the effort into finishing what I started. No matter how long it takes me, I will finish what I've stopped. Everything takes time even when there's not all the time in the world. Realistic dreams can be achieved with ambition and patience.