The Moment After Defeat

Note: This story contains mentions of family member death and the grief/trauma that comes from them dying. As well as mentions of physical violence, blood, and implied mental health (anxiety/panic attack, BPD episode).

Defeat- it isn’t the moment the ball drops on your side of the court, or the moment you get an F on the big midterm. For Delilah, defeat was the moment she said goodbye to her grandmother. The moment her image began fading from her memory, and Delilah could only remember the color of her grandmother’s eyes from the images of photographs scattered around her room.

Defeat was admitting to herself that she couldn’t remember the sound of her grandmother’s voice, or the smell of her perfume. Defeat was standing in the cemetery at noon. Rain pouring from the sky, soaking her to the bone. Shivering perhaps from the cold, perhaps from the ghost of a memory brushing against her side.

It was difficult for Delilah to admit defeat, whether it was big or small. Perhaps that’s why the defeat at qualifiers was so difficult for her. It was a small game, a friendly volleyball match between two teams that had been friends for years, which shouldn’t have been such a big deal. She was a sophomore; she had only been on the team for a year and was expected to be vice-captain next year.

There was no reason Delilah should have taken the loss so hard. With plenty of games in the future, one year not qualifying for nationals wasn’t that big of a deal. But something in her broke the moment the ball landed just millimeters from her fingertips. She could still feel the sting as the ball hit her fingertips as it came bouncing back done as the whistle blew in her ears. She hadn’t even realized she was crying until her best friend came running under the net from where she was celebrating with her team.

“Delilah! What happened, are you okay? Where are you hurt?” Cassandra rushed, knees slamming into the court below her as she moved to comfort her friend. Her hands moved to hold Delilah’s face, checking her over for bleeding, looking for broken bones or bruising that would explain the tears collecting on the floor below them.

Heat bubbled under Delilah’s skin, tears burning hot down her face leaving tracks seared into the skin. Her jaw hurt with the strength of her bite as her teeth ground together, blood filling her mouth as they pierced her tongue. She snarled, feeling just as animalistic as the sound she released as her hands slammed into the court below.

She shouldn’t feel like this. Something had to be wrong. There was no reason for this rage to be flowing through her body. It reminded her of a river, harsh and unyielding. Roaring without rhyme or reason.

“Delilah?” Cassandra’s voice sounded distant, and hushed, mocking her like an echo. Her vision blurred around the edges as she got up abruptly, shoving herself away from the court in a hurry. Blood rushed in her ears, drowning out the sound around her as she ran. Her feet driving her, out and away from the gym.

“Delilah!” A voice called out to her, weak and pained, but it did not deter her. Light blinded her as she ran out of the gym, making her way into the parking lot. Footsteps thundered after her as she ran, her eyes barely making out the expanse of trees as she blindly entered the forest backing the school.

Her chest ached, a familiar burning filling her lungs, but it didn’t stop her. Her face burned, the tears had long since stopped, but it didn’t help the burn on her face from humiliation. Her legs trembled, weakness growing as the post-game adrenaline began to wear off, causing her movements to slow down. Her body shaking as she collapsed into a tree, hysterical laughter bubbling in her throat as she slid into the dirt below. Her hands clutched her hair, gripping for something to ground her.

What is happening to me? Why can’t I stop crying? Why does my heart ache? What did I do? I- I hurt Cass! I wanted to hurt her! What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

Thoughts raced through her head, palms slamming into the side of her head as she tried to get them to disappear. The image of Cassandra gripping her nose flashed in her mind, Cassandra’s eyes filled with worry as she reached out for her friend, worried for her even while her nose dripped blood on the court below. The image of her mother, the fear on her face and pain in her eyes as she stood up, looking between her daughter, and the daughter she raised like her own, a decision made.

Delilah clawed at her throat, a choked sob digging its way out of her throat. Her own mother had chosen Cassandra instead of her. Her own mother had chosen to check on a friend, an opponent, instead of following her daughter as she ran from the gym.

“Why?” Delilah’s cries were carried by the wind, taking the pain with it.

The trees rustled above her, tiny leaves raining down on her, drawing her attention from the panic that consumed her. Her eyes flickered above her, head falling back as she watched the leaves dance through the sky, showering her and only her with their grace. Her hands loosened, falling out of her hair as she watched the leaves.

She giggled softly, shifting to lay back in the dirt below the tree as the panic shifted; releasing some of the rage she had from her body. She had forgotten, in the moments leading up to qualifiers, how beautiful fall in Iowa was. The heat, both of the season and of her rage had long since disappeared, making way from the cool chilly breeze that cooled her anger. Tension leaving her body as the sound of songbirds whistled in her ears.

How long had it been since she last stopped and listened to the birds? How long had it been since she just laid back and watched the clouds like she did with her grandmother before she got sick? How long had it been since she last relaxed and allowed herself to fail without feeling like a disappointment to the people who could no longer visit her?

Did her sister feel like this? When she got on stage and looked into the crowd of family and friends unable to find the faces she truly wished were there? Did she feel unbridled rage when she remembered her grandparents would never be there to congratulate her on her accomplishments and comfort her through her failures?

“Delilah!” A distant voice echoed through the trees, pulling her attention from her thoughts. Tension once again building in her shoulders.

Would they criticize her? Would they blame her for losing? Would they yell and scream at her for injuring Cassandra and running away? Would they punish her for running away?

The breeze swirled around her, pulling her into a warm hug, reassuring her that everything would be alright. The leaves caressed her as they fell on her head, decorating her with love.

“Delilah! Where are you? I’m not mad, you were hurt. I get it, it's okay!” It was Cassandra, calling out to her. Her voice showed no signs of pain, no hint that Delilah had done anything but given her a bloody nose. Hopefully it wasn’t broken, hopefully Cassandra would forgive her.

“Cass!” Her voice was weak, strained from the sobs that had drawn her away. She pushed up, her arms weak as she moved to stand, hands digging into the twigs and rocks below causing her to wince. At least her senses had come back to her, at least she was back to feeling relatively normal.

“Delilah!” Cassandra called out, relief in her voice as she came into view, spotting Delilah slumped into the side of the tree. “Delilah, you’re alright.”.

“I’m sorry.” Delilah’s voice bubbled, sobs growing in her throat again despite not having any tears left to cry. Her arms wrapped around Cassandra’s shoulders as she collapsed into her friend, her legs giving way beneath her. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I never meant to hurt you!”.

Her whispered pleas that she was sorry, and she didn’t mean it, flowed out of her mouth like the river she had previously felt with rage. Her body began to sag as it realized it was safe, that Cassandra wouldn’t harm her.

Cassandra wrapped her arms around her friend, lowering them both to sit on a log, pulling Delilah into her lap as she soothed her despaired friend, “It’s alright De, I promise you, I am not mad. I know you didn’t mean it, it's alright. Just calm down. Take a deep breath, in and out.”. She mimicked breathing, holding Delilah’s chin in a way that would force her to Cassandra in the eyes, unable to pull away from the unconditional love and understanding shining through. Forcing her to breathe with Cassandra’s instructions.

Cassandra’s other hand moved from where it rested, rubbing circles in her friend’s back, to Delilah’s hair, gently petting her, brushing the hair from her face. “I’m so proud of you, look at you. Breathe, in and out, yeah. There’s my pretty girl.”.

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it. I promise.” Delilah whimpered, her body growing warm with her friend's praise. “I’m sorry, Cassie. I didn’t mean it, I promise. I didn’t.”. She felt silly, the words tumbled out of her like a toddler begging their mother for forgiveness, pleading at her not to be angry or disappointed. And in that moment, Delilah couldn’t tell which would be worse; Cassandra’s anger for hurting her and running away, or her disappointment for how Delilah had reacted in response to the losing.

Cassandra simply smiled, rubbing her cheek and petting her hair, sending every bit of love and understanding she could to comfort her friend, “I promise I’m not mad. I understand, De. I get it, I know you were stressed. It’s okay, I’m alright I promise. I’m not mad at you, and I’m not disappointed. You just scared me a little, that’s all.”.

Delilah whimpered again, eyes screwing shut as she imagined Cassandra bleeding out on the floor of the gym, cowering away in fear as she ran from gym. She felt a flick on her nose, the hand rubbing her cheek tightened around her chin.

“No, open your eyes. Look at me.” Cassandra’s voice was hard, “Look at me.” she demanded, squeezing her hand just a bit to cause Delilah’s eyes to open in shock, “You are mine. Mine to love, mine to comfort, mine to protect. Nothing you could do would change that, not even you bruising my nose. So do not believe for one second that there is anything you could do to escape me. You are mine, just as I am yours. Nothing will break us apart. So, believe me when I say, the only thing that scared me, was you getting hurt.”.

Delilah’s eyes widened, lips parting slightly as she looked up at the person who had been her best friend for as long as she could remember. Tears gathered in her eyes, as she dove headfirst into Cassandra’s chest, gripping her with all her might as if she expected her to disappear.

“I’m sorry. You’re right, I’m sorry.” Cassandra simply shushed her, returning to petting her hair, as the sky began to darken around them. Hours had seemed to pass from the moment Delilah had stepped through the gym doors headed for the forest behind the school. Delilah’s eyes slipped closed as she yawned, finally coming to terms with the exhaustion that had been building for years. An exhaustion built on defeat after defeat, failure after failure. An exhaustion, that she was willing to share, if it meant Cassandra staying by her side.