Dream of consciousness

« You know what? I quit. »

The words had come out of my mouth without any agenda, I had never planned to announce my resignation, even out of anger. This job is actually good, the pay is good, the food for lunch is good, I have felt really good. I don’t know what got into me. It was the only way I found to show her my discontent. I couldn’t tell her the truth of how I felt, so I just said this ridiculous thing. I wanted her to feel guilty, maybe ashamed of how she behaved with me. It didn’t seem to work though, the expression on her face was the same as the one she had for the past three months, at work. Emotionless. The lack of reaction made me even more angry, so I thought « desperate times call for desperate measures ».

« You’ve been such a riddle to solve. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t go to work everyday seeing you act as if nothing happened between us. I can’t carry on coming here because I don’t want to be around you, you’re making it obvious that you don’t care about me. I really want to know why you are indifferent with me one day and the other you just decide to kiss me. Why is that? And also why out of the blue you just decide to be cold and distant again? I am sorry but I am not a puppet at your disposal that you can use anytime you want. »

Once again, the flow of words just came out as if I had breathed them out. Actually it felt good. I might no be brave enough to quit, because let’s be honest the job is fantastic and so is my office, but at least my emotions made me say what was lying deep down in my heart. I noticed a little change in her eyes, the stoicism had turned into something softer. Her gaze reminded me of the first day I met her, in my dentist’s cabinet. It was a year ago, give or take a few days. I was reading a magazine in the waiting room when she sat there, on the seat next to me. It was summer, she was wearing this fuschia pink tank top inside her jeans. She had entered the room without saying hello, which was the universal thing to do, but she is not the universal kind of girl. I went on reading the article but it had become suddenly much less interesting. I could feel the presence of this girl who was so close to me, of all the chairs in the room she had chosen to sit on the one just next to me. I tried to focus on the article, it was babbling about how people used artificial intelligence to send pictures of the content of their fridge to find recipes, but I could feel her gaze shifting to the magazine. She broke the silence first.

« Sorry but do you mind if I go first inside the dentist’s office? My appointment is at 3.30 but I have a meeting at 4 and I don’t know if I will be on time. »

Astounded by her request, I still wasn’t ready to refuse her anything. She could have asked me to dance on the table in the middle of the waiting room, I would have done it even if I am not the kind of guy who does such a thing. I accepted.

It is only a few months after the dentist appointment that I met her again, on another occasion. This time I had just been hired by the company, it was my first day at work and I was on a tour of the offices when I suddenly came across this girl I had already met at the dentist. My heart stopped short when I saw her. My manager introduced us.

« Paul, this is Olivia, she is working in the IT department. Olivia, this is Paul, our new business analyst. »

I couldn’t say anything, this girl had made an impression on me once but this time was too much for my fragile little heart. Knowing I would work in the same workplace as her was as painful as being pricked in the chest by a needle. I could feel electricity being passed on from her hand to mine while we shook hands. It was unbeareable. When my manager finished the tour, he showed me the immense office I would work in. It was spectacular but I had not realised it then, because my head was still remembering the lovely face and the hand touch.

My first week had been uneventful. Everyone was still on holidays and apart from a few employees, I hadn’t had the chance to meet anyone. The work wasn’t busy either, which was a nice way to begin. I had a few breaks in the day to stroll around the building, getting used to my surroundings but still with the idea inside my head that I could meet the person who was haunting my daylight imagination. To my great disappointment, I never met her that week. It was only after two or three weeks that I had the pleasure of setting my eyes on her again. It was during a meeting where everyone was invited. The table was long and probably welcomed thirty or more people. She was sitting a few feet away from me, but it didn’t prevent me from trying to make eye contact with her. She didn’t seem to notice me though, which I could understand because I am probably the most average-looking guy. The meeting discussion was boring, the pieces of information travelled from one ear to another without reaching my brain. The only thing that got my attention was her concentration and the habit she had of putting a strand of hair that was too short behind her ear. I was so enthralled by her presence that I missed the moment when the CEO introduced me in front of everyone.

After the meeting, I summoned my courage to talk to her, I tried to be as smooth as I could, but my inexperience in the field of talking to women made me look stupid.

« Was it me or it was the most boring meeting anyone could ever attend? »

She looked at me, then behind her to check if I wasn’t talking to someone else. `

« Oh, » she said, realising she was the one I was talking to. « I actually found it interesting, I needed some information for the files I’m working on at the minute. » She raised her eyebrows and walked away.

The next time I saw her was at the canteen. She was in front of me in the queue to pick up our tray and cutlery. I could smell the shampoo from her hair, it was something fruity or flowery, I am not an expert in fragrance. What I know is it smelt good. Everyone around had seemed to disappear, in my head there was only us and the noise around was nonexistent. It is when I put my tray on the rail next to hers that I decided to speak.

« Dr Murray is a very good dentist, » was the only idea I had, so I said it.

She turned to me, a surprised look on her face.

« Yes, I suppose he is. Why do you tell me that? Are you related to him? »

« No, I’m not related. It’s just that we already met, in Dr Murray’s waiting room. »

« Did we? »

I was disappointed that she didn’t remember me, but she seemed interested to know more.

« It was last year, I was reading a magazine, you sat down next to me and you asked if you could take my appointment. You didn’t want to be late for a meeting. »

She looked like she was thinking hard.

« I’m sorry but I don’t remind. I was probably very busy, I sometimes forget who I talk to when I am overwhelmed. »

« That’s okay, » I smiled.

I sat down at an empty table, I hadn’t made any acquaintances at work and I liked eating alone, it was a time to spend thinking about her without being interrupted. Except this time I was interrupted, by her. She sat down and had lunch next to me, without saying anything. It was so pleasant to share these moments of silence with her, just enjoying each other’s company. When we both finished our lunch, we just came back to work.

A few weeks passed, we had both gotten used to have lunch together, no word were exchanged but it was a ritual we had agreed on in an implied manner. Until one day, no one sat down next to me. All of a sudden, she had disappeared, she was nowhere to be seen in the cafeteria. The food seemed less tasty when she wasn’t next to me. When I finished my meal, I decided to go check in her office if she was there, I needed to see her.

When I walked by her office door, I hesitated to stop and knock. The question that came into my mind was « What am I going to say if she is there? » but I knocked all the same. I heard her invite me to come in. Her office was not as spacious as mine but it was tidier. I had already amassed piles of documents on my desk since my arrival. She was sitting there on her desk chair, looking at me quizzically.

« Sorry I didn’t want to interrupt you but as I haven’t seen you at lunch, I was wondering if you were alright. »

I could see a smile appearing on this charming little face of hers.

« I am fine, thanks. It’s just that I am falling behind on work, I needed my lunch break to complete some files. »

I felt stupid at that moment. She must have thought that I couldn’t spend one single lunch break without her, which made me look needy. I gave her the possibility to see through my weaknesses, and I hated myself for it.

« Sorry, I didn’t mean to barge in like that, I will leave you to it. »

I had said it so quickly that I was already closing the door as I uttered the last words. She probably thought I was a loser without a life, the only thing left for me to do was to never go back for lunch again and hide in my office all day long everyday for the rest of my career so I didn’t have to see her and remember this painful scene I had made.

I couldn’t work properly that afternoon, all the e-mails I was reading sounded gibberish, my colleagues’ chit-chats didn’t make any sense to me and I felt like I was living on another planet. I wished I had never met her at that stupid dentist appointment, it would have saved me from behaving like I had. It would have saved me from hating myself right now. Was it what love was like? Just a series of embarrassing moments and the wish your mouth was shut for the rest of your life.

At five to six pm, when my day work was going to be over, I was already shutting down my computer, putting away the files I had been working on, and putting my jacket on. No one in the office seemed to notice me leaving work a little bit earlier than I should, I liked this place for that. No one ever bothered me. I pressed the down button at the elevator. When the door opened, I wish I had never pushed that button. She was there, inside the elevator. I tried to look casual, hiding the fact my heart was racing in my lung cage and I found it hard to breathe. I came inside avoiding her gaze, choosing to stand facing the door, my back to her. When the door closed, I felt her hand going over my arm.

« I’m sorry for earlier, I should have told you I wasn’t going to lunch. » Her face lit up, making my heart melt.

Her hand that was on my forearm gradually moved up to my shoulder and then my neck. It is when she planted a kiss on my lips. It was a tender kiss, I could feel her lower lip caressing my upper lip and then the tip of her tongue came inside my mouth for a split second. The door of the elevator opened, she smiled and left without saying a word. I was so dumbfounded by what just happened that I stayed there in the elevator, looking at her walk away.

On my way home that evening, my mind kept traveling back and forth. I reminisced the day I met her, the few words we exchanged, the moments of silence we shared and the kiss. It was even more memorable knowing that I had never kissed anyone in my entire life, or no one ever kissed me until she did. How marvelous this moment was. I couldn’t stop thinking about our lips touching, how it made me shiver all over, how my shoulders relaxed. For once in my life I hadn’t felt empty. I was thinking about what life could be with her.

The day after, she wasn’t at work. I wondered where she went. Someone on her floor told me she had called in sick. I didn’t know if it meant something good or something bad. Did she call in sick because like me she couldn’t sleep the night before? Or did she call in sick because she regretted what she did and didn’t want to see me? These thoughts haunted me all day long.

No news of her the day after and the after that. She came back to work on a Friday. I remember because we were all invited to a meeting. I was very early at this meeting, when I arrived I made sure to reserve the seat next to me by putting my bag on it. But when she entered, she didn’t look at me. She came in and sat down on a chair at the far opposite of me. I waved twice but she pretended not to see me. The whole meeting was a nightmare, I tried to make eye contact with her but she was focused on the powerpoint and her notes. When the meeting was finally over, I went to her inquiring about her health.

« Oh, I’m fine, it was just a cold. I was very tired for a couple of days, that’s all. » She said that without making eye contact with me, which I thought was bad news for me. I preferred leaving her be than annoying her with my questions.

Once again, I didn’t sleep that night and the walls in my room seemed to have moved closer together. I felt like an animal in a cage. I was in love but I was powerless. Now I knew what it was like to be Petrarch who loved Laura so much without being loved by her in return, writing poems about it all. I always admired people who could write about what they felt. I couldn’t do that, I wasn’t a poet. I was in love and I wanted to be loved back. I tried to close my eyes and relax but all I could do was seeing her face, feeling her lips, reminiscing the smell of her hair. There was no way I could sleep.

A few days passed until it was weeks. She didn’t go to the cafeteria anymore, I saw her during meetings and at the copy machine, she avoided me whenever she could, and when she saw me, she was polite but cold. The distance between her and me gradually widened until I couldn’t take it anymore and had to talk to her.

« I am sorry but I am not a puppet at your disposal that you can use anytime you want. »

The change in her eyes made it clear she had heard me.

« I know you’re not a puppet. » Then she exhaled. « Can we talk somewhere else than here? »

We went to a café near the building. She ordered a latte and I ordered a cappucino.

« I shouldn’t have kissed you, I am really sorry. »

« Sorry for what? » I said, ready to hear her reasons.

« I don’t want it to be this way between us. I know you. What I mean is I know the kind of person that you are because I am the same. That day when you came into my office you seemed very upset, also genuinely worried about me even though you seem like the kind of person who doesn’t have many friends. I thought you were like me. I hate people, I hate being around people and having to talk to people, it makes me nervous. I saw myself in your behaviour. By kissing you I think I wanted to show you that someone understood. There was nothing romantic in it. I am really sorry. »

I heard this confession with a heavy heart. « There was nothing romantic in it », so it means everything happened in my head. I invented a story where her and me were in love, imagining we could one day live together, be a couple. But it was all just a dream.

The next Monday I came back to work with the intention of working hard, something I hadn’t done since I had entered the company. I sat down at my desk and finally realized how luck I was to be in an office with a view on the Empire State Building. I would never quit.