My Sister's Wedding

My sister's getting married today, for the third time. I'm maid of honor, for the third time.

This time she's marrying the man she cheated on my second brother in law with and I'm here fixing a white dress.

A. White. Dress.

If a mockery could be made of weddings, my sister could do it. She married the father of her children the first time. Married the second guy and had two kids with that guy and now? Marrying this schlub cuz "the chemistry is so hot".

I'm sorry, what?

I had no idea we were in a high school chemistry lab.

This guy's in for a shock.

She's more fertile than midwestern farmland. Look at my sister crosseyed and she's pregnant.

Me? Yeah, I'm the complicated one.

I tend to be the picky one out of the three of us.

My other sister? Hits hone runs with serial killers and inmates.

I prefer my solitude. Thankfully, the bartender's cute.

"Another mimosa, mi amor?"

"My love, huh? I just met you and you're calling me 'love'. Aren't you suave?"

"My bad, Gorgeous but you're the best looking bridesmaid in here."

I looked at the others my sister picked. I was dumbfounded at how intoxicated the other three were already and it was only nine in the morning.

"I'm not going to argue with you but I'm the one responsible for wrangling these girls together and I need to be sober. One's my limit."

"Come find me when this is over, I owe you at least two rounds,"

"Only if I get your name," I said.

"Massimo, but call me Max."

I look at him and smile.

"I'll be back in a minute, Max. I gotta get these girls in line."

I did the rounds, pulling champagne glasses out and handing bouquets to bridesmaids.

"Honey! I need help getting dressed!" My sister yelled.

"Coming, Mags."

I let out a sigh. Fitting a dress around a pregnant woman was no easy feat. As I pass the bar, I ask Max for his phone.

"You giving me a present, Bella?"

"I'm giving you something, alright." I smile.

I put my number in his phone. Then dial it.

"Good then I got your number."

I sigh again.

"Alright, Ladies, ready?" The coordinator asks.

I roll my eyes. Max smiles and winks at me. My sister Christine looks at me.

"Did the bartender just wink at you?" She asks me.

"I don't know and I don't have time to ask. Between the two drunk bridesmaids, you and Mags having a grand hissy fit.. I don't have time to even have another mimosa let alone flirt."

I get to the coordinator.

"Help a girl out here?"

She groans.

"What am I supposed to help with, getting the drunk tank together?"

"Um, yeah. I have to zip the bride. Get the flower girl ready, get the ring bearer's finger out of his nose... least you can do is get those two together."

The coordinator groaned. Yeah, bitch , you get the hard job. I get the menial work. I'm not a babysitter.

"Places in fifteen, everyone."

"Psst," I hear over the raucous.

I turn and Max pushes a shot of whiskey to me.

"Bartender slash loverboy comin' in clutch for the maid of honor."

"Now I definitely owe you a dance."

Max winks as I down the burning amber liquid.

"God, I needed that."

"Save it, Sweetheart, there's plenty more for after this,"

"I know."

As the ceremony proceeds without so much as a hiccup, unless you count the ones from the wedding party's clear drunken state, I'm pleased no one says a word out of line.

"I saw you making googly eyes at Massimo, Honey."

"I was doing no such thing. Mary."

"You know he's Vince's cousin, right?"

I stopped breathing. I knew I was standing up with Vincenzo's cousin but I had no idea which one.

"Is he, I mean is that...?"

They all laughed at me as we entered the church.

"You didn't know he was in a tuxedo and tending bar for the hell of it did you?"

My mother shushed us.

"You're in a church, Margaret May!"As

"Sorry, Mother,"

"It's not her first rodeo in a church, Ma." Mary said.

I prayed for peace as the wedding march played. Two by two, we walked down the aisle. That's when Massimo met me.

"Hiya, Gorgeous. Glad we met again."

As we walked, I whispered in his ear.

"My name is Honey. I'm surprised you didn't call me that."

He blushed.

I turned to sit next to everyone else. Mission accomplished, Honey Duvall. As the service carried on, I sat watching my sister and husband number three recite wedding vows and kiss. I could do with another shot of Ol number seven right now. I hate weddings, family members, people, and the smell of Murphy's oil soap. I got all of the above in one shot with this disasterpiece. I only hoped something chaotic would happen.

"YOU CAN'T BE HERE!"

"Watch me."

As if fate was kind to my pleas, my sister's second ex husband, Gerard, entered the rectory.

"Maggie! MAGGIE! I LOVE YOU!"

"What is the meaning of this?!" The priest exclaimed.

I sat back and watched with abject glee as my second ex brother in law dashed down the aisle to disrupt the proceedings. I looked over at Massimo. He winked at me.

"What's he doing here, Maggie?" Vince asks.

"Why do you care?" Gerard starts.

The raucous continues in the nave of the church. People start clamoring. I slowly start to walk to the back of the church and Massimo follows suit. My mother and father yell at Maggie, Gerard and Vince. Mary starts heading to a closet with her groomsman.

As I walk to Massimo's car, I look at him.

"Where do you feel like going dressed like this?"

Massimo smiles.

"I have a room at a hotel with a bar I don't have to tend, if you're interested."

"Do I have to wear shoes?"

"Nope, I can have room service send anything to the room if you want it."

"Thank god cuz I really could use a pizza and beer. This day requires cuddles, a good quiet night and out of these heels. Swear for a pregnant woman, she enjoys torture!"

"Vince chose tuxedos we have to keep. Ugh, I spent two hundred dollars on a black tux I'll never use."

"At least yours is black! My dress is this.. green? Is this green? I feel like Kermit the Frog."

We both laugh as we head to his hotel. There, we settle on his bed and watch, of all the movies, 27 dresses.

"We don't have to watch this movie." I say.

"I'm giving you ideas how to torture your sisters."

I like this guy already.