Conversations at Dinner

“Does she know you are here?” She watched him steadily, ready to spot the lie.

“Not necessarily.” Ndu replied. He ran his fingers along the rim of his wedding band while his eyes floated around the room. 

“What does that even mean?” Helen probed.

“Well, Salifya knows I am at dinner with a friend – she just doesn’t know that the friend is you.” Ndu finally settled. 

“Fair enough. That’s if we are friends.” Helen said.

“We are. In our own way, we are.” Ndu stated and picked up the menu. His clean, sturdy hands held up the leather bible of a menu, he opened it and fingered the pages. From his smooth motion Helen read that he wasn’t lying. It always took him a while to settle when he was lying. “What will you have?” He asked.

“Uhk...” A nameless sound slipped out of her mouth before she said, “It’s a steakhouse, there aren’t that many options.” 

“Still can’t make basic decisions?” Ndu asked with a raised brow.

“I make the decisions that matter, okay.” Helen straightened her collar before she picked up the menu and actually read the words. “Rib eye. I will have the rib eye with roast veggies.”

“True. There are some decisions you have no trouble making.” Ndu said. 

The glasses on the table were too shiny, Helen felt sorry for the person whose job description included polishing glasses and silverware. The delicate routine would drive her mad. Everything in the restaurant was pristine, a stark contrast to the filthy feeling at the base of her throat. They should have met at dark corner, her ask of Ndu would have felt normal or at least in the right place.

“May I have a glass of cold water and a shot of tequila?” Helen asked. The waiter nodded like it was a standard request and walked away with measured steps. He must have been the one who polished the glasses. 

“Do you always take your water with tequila?” Ndu chuckled. 

“Only when I have to see you,” Helen said. 

“What has it been? Three years? With the exception of that awkward graduation and the family dinner that followed.” Ndu said.

“I thought that thing was only awkward for me.” Helen said. 

“When I got home and took off my jacket, my entire back was dripping with sweat. It was an awkward, humid day.” Ndu grew lively with each word. Each word rolled out of his mouth and she took it all in. “I barely spoke to you that day. Every time I came close, every eyeball was glued to us. Do you think they knew?”

Helen laughed at his oblivion, “Of course they knew. I followed you everywhere and laughed at all your jokes – even the bad ones. Of course, they knew. Them ogling at us at the graduation was a way of checking if there was still something there.”

“Ah, the madness of it all.” Ndu said. 

The waiter made a dramatic performance of serving the chilled water and the tequila. He stood by Helen’s side as she took the shot, he passed the lemon wedge and the salt like a skilled accomplice before he disappeared.

Helen let the sharp sensation fire up her spine, stretch out her limbs and loosen her lips.

“Feeling good?” Ndu asked with laughter dancing in his eyes.

“How come you never called me?” Helen spat out.

Her question was armed with accusation. It drained the joy out of Ndu’s eyes and replaced it with hurt. 

“I had nothing to say.” He said.

“Nothing to say to me? To me?” Helen felt her voice rise. There was no need to disturb the tranquillity of the restaurant. She took a deep breath. 

“We are not the same Ella, we haven’t been for a while.” Ndu said.

Ella. Out of the 7 billion people on Earth, he was the only one who called her that. He stepped out of the country often and each time he stepped back in he had a new number. “Ella, I am home.” Without introduction, she would read the text in his voice and know that it was him. No matter where he went he always returned to her. She had no name for him. She called him her home under her breath; My Ndu. That was as close as she came to labelling him as hers. People only named what they owned. 

“We can’t change anything about the past,” She said. 

“Is that fortunate or unfortunate?” Ndu asked. He looked at her for the first time; took in her brief forehead and full brows. It was a mistake. Taking her in always turned him into a teenage boy hankering for her affection. She saw him and it was addictive to be acknowledged and worshipped by a girl who was whole. Gorgeous and competent yet vulnerable only to him.

“Don’t do that. Don’t do that thing where you look at our past with today’s lens. We were who we were then and we did the best for ourselves at the time.” Helen said. 

“Our problem isn’t what we did. It’s what we didn’t do.” Ndu said.

“I wasn’t even aware we had a problem.” Helen said. 

“Then why are you nervous, awkward and stylish in a steakhouse when we both know you like to eat fish at home.” Ndu asked. It was more of a move than a question. 

All the damage was irreparable so why were they there?

The waiter strode in. In his silent spectacular style, he laid their meals before them, refreshed their drinks and disappeared from the tension.

The rib eye submitted under her knife and each bite matched perfectly with the vegetables. Very good but not better than fish. He was right. There was nothing in the world she loved more than being bare foot in her house tearing down a bream. Ndu often remarked that she ate fish like she was conducting an autopsy; meticulously lingering on every detail. It reminded him of his mother. 

“This is also very delicious. And a blouse and heels look good too.” Helen said. 

“I guess I lived in a world where the only version of you was barefoot.” Ndu said between forkfuls of his meal. 

“How do you feel about me?” Helen asked, the bravery of her question shocked them both.

“Well,” Ndu cleared his throat and ran his tongue over his teeth, “You know the place you occupy. I am not sure whether it’s in my heart, mind or my subconscious. All I know for sure is if you knocked, I’d open the door and there’s no law I wouldn’t break for you.”

“Do your clients know their lawyer is a criminal?” Helen deflected. It was one thing to have a mutual feeling wafting in the air – another to hear it and acknowledge it.

“I am not. Only because I haven’t broken any laws yet.” Ndu said. “It’s my turn to ask a question. Why didn’t you wait?” 

Helen saw the question coming but hoped his pride would hold him back from asking.

“You didn’t ask me to wait. In the end, I felt like a grown woman that believes in Santa Clause. And when you came back, you never called.” She said.

“It’s all my fault?” He asked. 

“Yes…. No. I should have at least asked before I decided to walk away.”

“You closed the chapter before I could even plead my case Ella,” Ndu said, “It broke me.”

“I never felt real to you so I took a chance that at least felt real,” She said.

“Ella, you have a very specific picture of what real should be. We were mostly long distance, I didn’t propose quick enough and that was it. You quit on me.” He stated. 

“Nine years Ndu – Nine. I waited too long.” She pleaded. 

“I thought we were worth the wait,” He stated.

His plane barely landed when he started hearing stories about Helen going on dates with a guy named Stewart. It didn’t feel real. Helen didn’t even like men with English names. 

“If you called me, I’d have dropped him.” 

“If you weren’t engaged, I’d have called.” 

Two versions of her existed in his mind. There was the fallible Helen who was terrible at mathematics and used an annoying accent when she felt she was saying something important. That Helen didn’t pick up calls on the first ring, told white lies to sound smart and burnt everything she ever grilled. Then there was Ella; a porcelain creature that proved that God created masterpieces. She was exquisite at dinners, superb with an excel sheet and could even shoot a gun. She was a living bag of tricks and it was his favourite thing about her. She knew as much about Hippos as she knew phrases in random languages. Ella was who he held at night and poured himself into. Ella was soft, trustworthy and so beautiful it made his eyes water. Helen was calculating, sharp eyed and quick. Helen is the woman that walked away. Ella was the woman he would always love. 

Ndu didn’t know whether he was having dinner with Ella or Helen. 

“I am not justifying forgiveness. I am explaining myself, if you can’t forgive, perhaps you will understand.” Helen said. For the first time, she felt like she had hurt him. All along her decisions were required, reasonable but sitting across from him forced her to face the hurt she had inflicted on a man she spent most of her life loving. 

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t forgive you.” He said.

“Forgiveness is easy with her in your bed,” Helen said and unconsciously rolled her eyes.

“Stop that, petty jealousy doesn’t suit you. Salifya isn’t involved in our mess. All she has ever done is love me so you have no right to even bring her up,” Ndu glared at Helen.

“I’m sorry. That was immature,” Helen said. “But,”

“But what?”

“What I am about to ask you might affect her directly,” 

“Take what you want but leave her out of your mouth,”

“That’s the thing, it’s not something I can just take.” 

Ndu shook his head. Instinct warned him not to accept the invite yet there he was – like a fool. Nostalgia was a slave driver.

“What do you need, money?” He asked.

“Don’t insult me. Not every widow is thirsty and broke.”

“I am sorry, that’s not what I meant,” He apologised. 

Widow. The word hung in the air with all the other things they hadn’t spoken about. 

“How are you Ella? I wonder sometimes.” He asked.

“I function.” She said, “Sometimes the emptiness is so overwhelming I can’t breathe. Other times, I am okay. I know that he wasn’t my great love story but he was mine, for three years we built a life and then he just vanished. Losing Stewart was hard.”

“I wish I knew what to say except sorry,” He said. 

“It’s like I lost an arm,” She said, punctuating her sentence with a painful smile. 

“I am sorry I couldn’t be there. I hope you know that you can always reach out when you need anything.” Ndu said.

“I know. It’s your style to always provide the tangible stuff but once again you miss the mark. Before, all I ever needed was assurance that you loved me and you would eventually choose me – you couldn’t see that. Now all I need is companionship and your response to my need is a check,” She said.

“Company? What does that even mean for us?” Ndu asked. 

“I want your sealed presence in my life. I lost you once and I can accept that but now more than ever, I am living with the ghost of a life I could have had and it is unbearable,” She said.

She didn’t look insane but Ndu kept his eye on her, watching for any sign of instability. Instead, Helen sat there with all the poise in the world while asking for mad things. It would be unfair to his wife. Helen wouldn’t be a mistress, she would once again dominate his life and the consequences would be catastrophic.

“Ella, I don’t think being with me is the solution to your grief,” he started to say. He didn’t believe the words even as he spoke them. Being with her would solve her grief and his too. Ndu never felt whole and right there she was offering him the missing piece. He wondered if the nape of her neck smelled the same or if her nipples still grew hard when she sneezed. The little things about her are what he missed most. 

“Ndu, I don’t think you understand what I mean. I don’t want to be with you. Not in that way.”

“Ella, what do you mean?”

“I don’t want you. I want to have a baby with you,” Helen spat out the words and looked away, bracing herself for the consequences of her request. "Ndu, will you give me a child?"