The Decision

The Decision

Anna walked to the back of the cafe and sat down in the last booth. She wasn’t sure why she chose that booth. Maybe she thought she was going to need privacy or maybe she just wanted a clear view of the entrance doors so that she could prepare herself. She wasn’t sure but the last booth made her feel a little safer. Within a minute, Sally showed up at her table with a pot of hot coffee in her hand. Sally looked middle-aged and tired. Her bleach blonde hair was sitting on the top of her head in a messy bun. She had a full face of  makeup, including drawn in eyebrows and dark red lipstick that had already faded a bit from the freshness of the morning. 

“Good morning. Coffee?” Sally asked, turning the heavy, white coffee cup over in anticipation of the hot beverage. 

           “Sure.” Anna replied. “Thank you. Someone will be joining me shortly.”

She set a menu in front of Anna as she carefully filled the cup. From her pocket, she pulled two little containers of creamer and two packets of sugar. 

“Alrighty, I will be back to get your order after they arrive.”

“Thanks,” Anna mumbled. 

Anna watched the front door. Three men came in and sat down on the bar stools that lined the counter. An older couple followed them in and took the first booth near the door. Sally seemed to know both groups of people and shouted a greeting to all of them. 

Anna took her phone from her purse and checked the time. It was 9:45. They were scheduled to meet at 10:00.  She had shown up early because she was so nervous. She wondered if he would be on time or late or if he would show up at all. 

She had had second thoughts about coming.  She wanted so much to see him, but she was scared. The door creaked, she looked up quickly. It was a young woman dressed in a uniform that was identical to Sally’s. Patrons in the restaurant knew her and said hello as she made her way behind the counter and into the kitchen. 

Anna took a deep breath and looked out the large window that her booth sat next to. Her thoughts wandered back thirty- two years ago to the moment in the bathroom at her mother’s house. She had peed on two sticks and within a minute both tests showed positive for pregnancy. She remembered how scared she felt as she went down stairs to tell her mom. 

Her mother had been angry or disappointed. Anna couldn’t tell because she was crying and screaming at the same time.

“You have messed up your life! What are we supposed to do now?” Anna had remembered thinking- it isn’t a matter of “we,” it was a matter of her. What was she going to do? At that moment, Anna realized that she had suddenly become an adult and had to make real decisions. Life changing decisions. 

Once her mother had finished yelling at her, Anna drove to Scott’s apartment. She knew that the adult thing to do was to tell him that he was going to be a father. She knew that he wasn’t going to be excited about the news because he had just been accepted to John Hopkins School of Medicine and was excited about becoming a pediatrician. She and Scott had been together for two years. They loved each other in as complete a way that two college students could love. They had talked about possibly having a future together, but they knew there were things that they both wanted and needed to do before that future would come. Scott was moving to Baltimore and she was planning to study Journalism at Arizona State University. She had been accepted just a month prior. 

 When Anna had arrived at Scott’s apartment building, her heart was pounding harder than it ever had.  She started taking deep breaths, trying to calm her racing pulse.. 

She sat in her car staring out the window. What was she going to say? What was he going to say? With two more deep breaths, she opened her car door and walked to his apartment door. 

She knocked. A moment later Scott pulled the door open. 

“ Hey you, why you knocking? Why didn’t you just come in?” 

Scott was so handsome. He was tall and olive skinned. His dark hair was full of gentle curls that framed his face. His black eyebrows and eyelashes made his ocean blue eyes pop out in a mesmerizing way. When he smiled, his left cheek filled with a deep dimple. He reached his arms out and pulled Anna into his chest. She held onto him, taking in his scent. 

“Everything okay, Baby?” he asked as he walked her to the couch.

Anna took a deep breath. She couldn’t look at him. He began to stroke her long brown hair. 

“Scott, I’m pregnant.” 

Silence. Scott took a deep breath and stood up. He walked around the small living room without saying a word. Anna looked up at him as tears slowly ran down her cheeks.

“Are you sure?’ he finally asked.

“Yes. I have been sick every morning for the last two weeks, I’m late and I took a test. Two tests.  They were both positive.” 

Scott sat back down next to her, taking her hands in his. 

“Anna, it’s going to be okay. I love you and you love me, and we made a baby.”

For the next hour, Scott and Anna had laid on the couch in silence both filled with their own thoughts about their futures. 

After a few weeks of talking, Sott and Anna had made the difficult decision that the best thing that they could do for their baby was to put him up for adoption. They were introduced to a loving couple that had been trying for several years to have a baby of their own. They had had numerous miscarriages and unseccessful attempts. Scott and Anna decided they would be the people to have their baby. 

The baby boy had been born on a rainy July morning. When they laid him on Anna’s chest, she felt a love that she had never felt before. She kissed his forehead and whispered, “I love you, son.” Scott leaned over Anna and the baby. He kissed them both. As the nurse took the baby to be cleaned up, Scott took Anna’s hand and told her that he loved her. That was the last time they saw their baby in person. 

“Would you like a refill?” Sally interrupted Anna’s thoughts. She looked up to see the waitress standing there with the pop of coffee.

“Oh, no, thank you.” Anna murmured as the cafe door opened. She knew immediately that the young man that had walked in was her son. He looked like Scott. Handsome, dark curly hair, olive skin. He scanned the cafe and then made his way down to her booth. 

“Anna?” 

“Yeah, uh, yeah, hi. I’m Anna. Ryan?”

Sally piped in asking him if he would like some coffee. 

“No, thank you, ma’am. I would like some iced tea, please.” Ryan said as he sat down.

“Sorry I am a bit late. Traffic was a little thicker than I thought it would be.” he smiled and Anna saw the same dimple that his father had. 

Anna’s heart was beating so hard. She couldn’t believe that her baby boy was sitting in front of her. She didn’t know what to say. She bit her lower lip.

“I know. It’s a little awkward meeting. I hope it’s okay.” Ryan said nervously.

‘Oh, yes, it’s wonderful. I just never really thought I would see you again. The last time I saw you, you were only moments old.” Anna said as tears welled up in her eyes.

“ My parents, Shane and Heather, told me that I was adopted when I was five years old. I don’t think I really understood what that was, but they would always tell me that I had another mother and father that loved me enough to let them raise me. I have to be honest, as I went through my teens and  twenties, I was hurt. I wondered how a mom and dad could give up their own child. My parents just kept reassuring me that it was a decision made out of love. They would tell me that one day I would understand.”

Anna started to cry.

“Oh, Ryan!  Your father and I did love you so much, and we loved each other. We were just so young. We weren’t married, we didn’t have money, we were getting ready to go to college, we just weren’t ready to be the parents that you deserved. It broke our hearts to let you go. We wanted you to have a good life.”  She saw tears well up in Ryan’s baby blue eyes. 

“That’s what my parents told me.” Ryan whispered, trying to pull himself back together.

Anna took a tissue from her purse and wiped her eyes as Sally arrived at the table with Ryan’s iced tea. “Are you two ready to order?” 

Anna and Ryan both chose to have a piece of key lime pie.

“Got it!” Sally said as she made her way to the kitchen. 

Ryan had pulled himself together and said. “So tell me about yourself.”

Anna shared that she had gone to college and earned her degree in journalism. Upon graduating, she had gotten a job at a small newspaper in Phoenix. Then she became interested in editing. She got a job as a copy editor at a small publishing house. She did that for several years and then became an editor.  Two years ago, she opened her own editing company.” 

Sally sat the two pieces of pie down in front of them.

“Thank you.” They both said.

There were a few moments of silence as they took a bite of the pie. Ryan set his fork down.

“Um, I know Scott died.” he blurted out uneasily. 

Anna took a deep breath, and looked down at the table. She put her fork down. Tears filled her eyes. 

“Yes, he did. A car accident five years ago.” Her eyes turned toward the window. In that moment, all the pain of the loss rushed through her. She bit her lower lip trying to hold back the tears. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Ryan quietly said.

“No, it’s okay. You have a right to know.” Anna took a deep breath and slowly began speaking.

“After you were adopted, your father did go to John Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore. He had just finished his third year.  Um, he was driving home for his summer break, and, um, there was an accident.” Anna looked away as the tears came down her cheeks again.

“He was going too fast, missed a curve and rolled his car. He was ejected and died right there.” 

“Wow, that’s tough.” Ryan whispered.

  Anna took several more deep breaths and wiped the tears away. 

“Yea, it was really painful and still is.” Anna paused and then said, “ He kissed you when you were born. He loved you, and I know that he would have been proud of you.”

This time Ryan looked out the window as he took Anna’s words in.

“Well, tell me about you. How has your life been?’

“My life..” Ryan said and paused. “Well, like I said, I knew that I was adopted from the time I was five. I mean, we didn’t talk about it all the time, but I knew and whenever I asked questions, both my parents were happy to share.  My parents were so great and they gave me a good life filled with love. When I got into junior high school, I remember them asking me if I wanted to find you and my father. I was a teenager and was full of hormones and attitude. I put the idea in my head that a good person doesn’t give up their kid and I told them no.” 

Anna looked down. “I’m sorry.” Pain filled her heart.

“I kept that attitude for a long time. I think it was just easier than thinking about dealing with it.  Anyway, went through high school and college. Graduated and got a job as a middle school P.E. teacher. Met a great gal and got married ten years ago. We were together for five years before we decided to have a kid.”

Anna smiled, “You have a child?”

“Two. Katie is five and Sam is 3.” Ryan said proudly. His gentle smile gave way to the dimple that reminded her of Scott. 

“Wow.” Anna said smiling. 

“One night the kids climbed into bed with my wife and I because there was a thunderstorm outside and they were afraid. They fell asleep between us. We laid there looking at each other and them. “Can you imagine having to give up these babies to someone else to raise? My wife had asked. It must have been so hard for your parents to make that decision. I am so thankful that you ended up having good loving parents, but I wonder if your parents ever had healing in their hearts.” 

Anna cried. 

Ryan continued. “It was at that moment, I understood what my parents had been trying to  tell me. That you and Scott loved me enough to let me go. As a father, I understand how hard that would be.”

Anna put the tissue to her eyes, but could not stop the tears that poured from them.

Ryan took her hand. 

“Mom, I understand. And I love you for what you did. Thank you.”

Ryan and I spent the next hour chatting and catching up. He shared pictures of his wife and children and we exchanged addresses and made plans to get together.

He walked me to my car, gave me a long hug and said. 

“I will see you soon, Mom.”

I got in my car and sat there smiling and crying.

“After thirty-two years of waiting, I am finally a mom! And a grandma!”