Happy Holidays, right?

Sometimes it can all just happen at once. The loss of a family member, the abuse of a friend, the curiosity about your future, and worst of all, the holidays are just around the corner. Christmas.

Alright. I've started to become a little more open. Some call it alternative. Others would say sacrilege in one's belief. Likely most would now call someone like me pagan, or witch. Would that actually matter?

Sitting in the car, looking at my parents house, and wondering if I should keep driving. My pitbull jumps on my lap giving me a lick across my face. Extra drool today. Igor’s definitely excited. That just tells me to get out of the car and head inside. It's just another day.

Cold brisk air. Wind giving a chill that makes my jacket feel thin. Courage, my pitbull, jumps his feet up and down in excitement. It's become a rare site more recently. I can't help but smile. Taking the time for Courage to run around in the yard and through trees before heading inside.

The air uplifting with laughter. The decorations this year seem more nature, what people could consider more pagan themed. The years of the white Christmas, little town of gingerbread men, a man in a red suit all slowly disappearing as the wreath and candles slowly become more well known. Entering the house a certain comfort suddenly rushing through the very air as I breathe in the smell of bacon.

“Merry Christmas!”

“Happy Holidays!”

The year just suddenly feels different. Likely it's what's to come. Knowing that the year is actually ending. Lives suddenly change from the very world around. Friends becoming parents. Loved ones passing away. Sometimes it's good to have a panic attack to make you realize your livelihood.

Not this time. I take a few deep breaths. Say my mantra in my head, and sit at the table.

Immediately a flood of memories come rushing back. The years at Grandma's house, almost sounding cliche as I think about them. The home theme changing over the years from white and red to black and red. Even using reusable trees instead of cutting down regular ones.

“Just decorate outside.” I say ri myself.

“What Hun?” My mom's looking at me, her glasses lowered.

I smile. “Thinking out loud.”

“Oh, what you thinking about?”

Should I engage in this conversation? Is my actual thought. What the hell, it's Christmas.

The conversation last an hour. Feeling refreshed I decided to get up and head outside in the cold air. No jacket. Screw it. I light a joint, take my time in the cold air, cursing under my breath, and walk back in rubbing my body until I sit back down. Now I'm just surprised I lasted this long before having a smoke.

It's another Christmas. This just feels different now. A family member passed away recently. Mom is cooking more food than usual expecting company that'll never show. Dad is making calls trying not to mention anything unnecessary. It's the holidays. News like this can wait a day or two before telling family and friends.

It's another day, I think to myself. Text messages from friends and family wishing me well and Happy Holidays. I send replies back telling them the same.

A change in the winds. That's the quote if I'm not mistaken. Looking to my phone I make sure to not search for the quote. Just a habit. Trying to use my head and remember where I learned it from.

The new year is around the corner and I want to say it feels like a fresh new hell may come. It doesn't feel like that. It feels like we're being prepared for something and we haven't even been given a hint.

“Ah yes,” I whisper to myself. “My intrusive thoughts right on time.”

Immediately I begin to just relax and enjoy the day. Take the time to actually relax for a moment. The day is just beginning and I can think of things to come later. That Christmas ghost can stay away. A quick moment to wonder if anyone gets the reference and then I only find myself thinking in my head. At times like this it makes wish I was capable of breaking the “fourth wall.”

“Am I right?” I say aloud to nobody in particular. No one's listening. Everyone is just gathering what they need and opening their presents. The laughter of their new presents and gifts. The kids scream at the new toy or doll as they hit their hands on the box. It's another reminder of why we still do it. Of why we change the theme that we believe fits with us and the family. The reminder that others celebrate their own holiday with their own beliefs.

Happy Kwanza, and a Happy Hanukkah. Once again, I say this to nobody in particular. But it feels nice to say all the time.

What's strange is the feeling. Losing a family member so close, that we expected to pass away, it made me wonder how I would act or think. Not once did I think being calm would even be on the radar. It just feels strange, yet calming.

The day is only half over and the realization comes crashing that I still have to go into work tonight. Even though it's Christmas we never stop “living.” The feeling of knowing it's just another day comes crashing down once again. Just a feeling that a few deep breaths help make go away. Either way the day is ending and I have to sleep before work.

My phone vibrates. A message comes up. Likely the seventh or eighth “Merry Christmas” to come through. It's just another holiday. It comes every year to sing and dance to the same songs sung by various people just because we think they have a better version. Watching movies to wonder why our lives our wonderful. Family and friends we argued with all year only to keep quiet and wish one another well wishes. I look at the phone, smile and reply.

“M

erry Christmas and Happy Holidays. See you soon.”