Outcast

Let me start by saying I’ve hurt a lot of people. I’ve ruined people’s lives, relationships, and statuses. But, I’ve decided I just can’t do that anymore.

Last year changed me in ways I would have never imagined. This one girl single handedly ruined my life the way I ruined other’s. It really put my actions in perspective. That’s when I realized I needed to make amends, starting with my childhood best friend, Charlie.

Charlie, or Charlotte, was a very masculine presenting girl, so when me and the other girls talked about boys, got manicures, and wore makeup, she just didn’t. And, one day I just got mad because my boyfriend, Liam, and her were spending more time with each other than hanging out with me. So, I made up a rumor that she was lesbian. Charlie just spiraled after that. She acted out in class, got diagnosed with depression, and she became emo, which further outcasted her.

But, today was the day I finally made amends. I took a deep breath, and I stopped her from leaving after our Calculus class, the last class of the day.

She scoffed and said, “What do you want?”

“Can we talk in private?”

“Why? So you can bully me without anyone noticing? Or, to manipulate me to get what you want? Or, to pin me as the bad guy, yet again?” Charlie turned away to go home, but I grabbed her wrist.

“Charlie,” I forced her to look into my watery eyes, “I’m not here for any of that. I’m here to apologize.” By this time most of the students had run out of the school, so it was basically just the two of us in this hallway.

She paused, looking in my eyes for a good bit, and sighed. “Fine. Good ahead, apologize to me. Just let me go to the bathroom first.”

Once she got out of the bathroom, she looked nervous. She kept fidgeting with her jacket. I just dismissed it and started explaining myself to her. “What I did when we were kids, that was just plain mean. Not to excuse my behavior, but it stemmed from my own insecurities. I’m sorry. I’m truly so sorry for what I made you go through. I don’t expect you to forgive me, just hear me out.”

She took a deep breath. “Be honest with me, did you just apologize because you ruined all your friendships last year, and I was the only one left?” Her eyes were watering too, and I could tell she was trying not to blink so the tears wouldn’t rush out. I opened my mouth to speak, but Charlie spoke first. “Did you ever love Liam? I bet you—“

“I loved you! I loved you okay? I was jealous that you gave all of your attention to Liam once we started “dating”.”

She pulled out a black phone, perfectly hidden in her fluffy black jacket.

I spoke again, “You didn’t…,” my mascara smeared down my cheeks.

She just smirked with that stupid adorable dimple. She stopped the recording, and before she could put it away, I grabbed her phone. I threw it on the ground, and I stomped it again and again.

“WTF?! Why?” She started to open her mouth, but nothing came out.

“I can pay for a new one.” She sat unblinkingly at the broken bits of her phone. “It can’t be more than five hundred, right?” I took five one hundred dollar bills out of my pink wallet, which still had the photo of me and Charlie after my first ever ballet recital. I was going to go shopping after school, but I guess I won’t now that I don’t have the money.

“Charlie, I really do want us to be friends again.”

“Shut up. This is exactly the kind of stuff you used to do when we were in middle school. You haven’t changed at all. You’re still just the insecure lesbian narcissist I met in elementary school. I mean smashing my phone? That’s just petty.” Charlie took the money and left.

And I was left all alone. I think this is the first time I was alone, truly alone. Last year I felt alone, but I was still surrounded by people. I guess it’s better now because at least there isn’t anyone to see me sobbing on the floor. God, I’m pathetic. Why can’t I just stop bawling, and move on? They always say time heals all wounds, but for some reason I doubt time will heal this one.

The lights flickered on and off for a bit, but then it turned off. The sun was setting. A beautiful and romantic spot I definitely daydreamed about. But the dream was never complete without Charlie. What a stupid idiot I was to lose her.

I can’t keep thinking about what Charlie said. Was I really being petty? No, I was just protecting myself. But protection from what? Would it really be that bad if I came out? I mean, what do I have to lose at this point? If I’m really going to do this, it better be on my terms.

I took a deep breath.

In: one … two… three…. four.

Out: one …two. …three. …four.

I pulled my phone slowly out of my pocket. The case Charlie had gifted me for my thirteenth birthday was still there. It had daisies, with an orange center, on a magenta background. I doubt she realized then that it was the colors of the lesbian flag. Oh the irony…

The lights flickered on and off, and I could see the mess that was my makeup. I just decided to wipe it all off. There was no point in disguising my tears anymore.

I pressed record on my phone, and I practically whispered the next sentence.

“I think you all know by now the rumor about Charlie being a lesbian. But I don’t think you know why it started. I loved Charlie, but I didn’t realize it at the time. So, when my friends started dating, I just picked a random guy, and we dated. I think you know this Liam, but I never loved you. You probably hung out with Charlie because you knew. But that just started the spiral. I bullied Charlie because it was easier to hate her than love her like I wanted to. It was easier to pretend than be an outcast. Everyone saw what happened to Charlie, and no one stepped in. But no one wanted to be her either. I’m saying this here and now because Charlie didn’t deserve that, and I’m only realizing now that there’s nothing wrong with being queer.”

Before I could think about it any longer, I pressed send to Liam, who would probably spread it around to the whole school. Oh well, I guess I will deal with it in the morning. In the meantime I walked home, enjoying the sunset. The orange, purple and pink collided in perfect harmony. Maybe, just maybe, I could achieve that harmony too