Ship Happens

“A Master’s Degree in Friendship, Jake? Are you mad?”

“No, I’m serious about my future.”

“I thought you were going in for something light like an MRA or a CAIC?”

“What the hell would I do with a robotics admin degree or a certification in AI-coaching? Jake, I already know that stuff cold. I have roughly 20,000 reviews online to prove it. My bots have never worked more efficiently. No, it’s time for me to go big. Go big or go home.”

“Home? You don’t have a home. Right now, you live in a mobile capsule on Emerald Lake.”

“Ha ha. Anyway, I’ve been reading the curriculum for this new program. History is at the core. Ed, it’s fascinating. It turns out the cornerstone of human evolution is friendship and trust.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Everyone knows the cornerstones are industry and tech. It’s got us so far.”

“So far? Got us where? Loneliness is marketed as a virtue now. Human touch and voice are at an all-time market premium. We pay for handshakes.”

“Yeah, but the GM nectarines are stellar. Besides, handshakes are gross.”

“Oh, don’t give me that pandemic nonsense, Ed. Before smart homes, we used to have smart people. History is built on human connection. So the course outline says, anyhow.”

“You were always such a rebel, Jake.”

“Because I refuse to define heli-skiing as a light sport?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Ed, you do realize that in the past, I’m talking like half a century ago, we used to base everything on friendship. And they had multiple names for it, too: acquaintances, associates, companions, networks. People started viable businesses with friends! A landlord used to get a tenant to pay the month’s rent on a trust-based system.”

“Like…Fiduciary?”

“No. Trust like believing in people just because they give their word.”

“Without voice recognition?”

“Without.”

“That’s wild, Jake. Though what do you expect when back then they didn’t even have running water, and diseases were ravaging their livestock? Whoever heard of a chicken with the flu, I ask you.”

“You seriously need to brush up on your history, Ed.”

“Damn you. History was an elective at my high school. I opted for blockchain investment theory instead.”

“Sure, I get it. Not yet a buff myself, you know, just started learning. Wondering how things were before. Wondering if it was better back then.”

“Better? Without bio-enhancement chips? Fat chance. That’s just classic anemoia talking. Psychology 101.”

“Could be. But do you know what else they cover in this degree? There’s a whole unit on courtesy and communication. What it takes to be a friend, adapted from past wisdom to modern realities. Turns out ghosting is rarely effective long-term. You can show you care through supportive words and GIFs. Things like that. The extroverts can even practice unmediated live calling.”

“Woah.”

“Yeah, I know, but I mean, it’s something to aspire to, right?”

“What else they teach in that communication bit?”

“Piqued your curiosity? I just glanced through it. They do go on and on about active listening and empathy. Oof. There’s also something about mirroring. There’s a chapter on clarity and feedback, too.”

“Sounds intense. You’re determined, though, aren’t you?”

“I just have this nagging feeling like something big is missing.”

“Right.”

“And that unit on intimacy and physical touch. Hugs sounds intriguing.”

“The arm clasping? Yikes. The silence is suspicious.”

“Come on. It’s touch, not a trap. You know that the new studies now support it? Turns out closeness works best between live humans. Almost makes you question pheromone dolls. Clearly, with a speaking, thinking organism, the emotional vulnerability and microbe risks are off the charts high, but still…”

“Like I said, Jake, you’ve always been a rebel.”

“Yeah, maybe. But wait till you hear this. In the second year, we’re required to build a genuine, flesh-to-flesh friendship with a fellow classmate. Part of the practicum.”

“Wowza. How are you supposed to speak without a filter? Get the proper app intros and background checks?”

“I have no idea. Guess we’ll learn. We’re not graded on how strong our bond gets. We’re graded on effort and sincerity.”

“What’s that? Sounds like scalability.”

“Man, get your head out of tech and business for just a sec.”

“Hey, go easy. I spend my days speaking C++ and Pitch Deck.”

“Fair enough. Sincerity, Ed. It’s this traditional concept of freedom from deceit. Like people can truth speak and trust the other won’t slander them with hate speech the same day.”

“Again, with the trust.”

“It’s a cornerstone.”

“But trust, just like that, with other people? They could be anyone. Could be an avatar for all you know.”

“Nah, they do brain wave scans pre-entry to filter out the avatars.”

“Huh. Jake? You’re not yanking my cable here?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. Besides, I’ve already applied to this program and been pre-approved. One of their pillars is honesty, Ed. I’m already practising.”

“Gettin’ a head start?”

“Sure, a bit, but also, you know, integrity.”

“What?”

“In-tay-grit-ee. I’ll explain it another time. Better yet, I’ll show you. Anyways, I’ve got to jet. Have three online calls about to come through.”

“Jake, can you keep me posted on this degree thing?”

“Yeah, of course. You know what, Ed? I think openness is one of your best traits.”

“Wow, I’m touched. Thanks.”

“Ed?”

“Yeah?”

“You know, we could apply what I learn and become friends. Like in real life, later, if you want.”

“Friends?”

“I know it’s a big ask. Just shootin’ ideas.”

“Nah, that sounds interesting. After all, I will be in Western Canada next year for a few weeks. For that trade show.”

“Well, yeah, I mean we could meet and hang out. I hear they recently glimpsed a pair of spotted owls. Tickets to the woodland are hard to get, but I’ll try.”

“Man, those birds have been gone for over twenty years.”

“Yeah. But I like pretending they might still be there.”

Silence.

“Then maybe I’ll pretend too. And Jake—keep me posted on that degree. It sounds…promising.”