The Locked Door

 It wasn't suppose to be this way.

Tears pool in my lap. I don't bother to wipe them away anymore. I feel the rain pour from my eyes slide down my cheeks. Some drip from my chin; some from my nose. This being the very reason I knew not to wear eye make up. Not that it matters. Who cares if black is streaking down your face when your heart lay at your feet in a million pieces? It will take more than a make up wipe to tackle this mess. 

We prayed. We fasted. We begged. We did everything right. And he is still gone. The moment I first heard, it was like I was in a tunnel, everything echoed and my ears then started ringing. I read the message again and again. "No, God, No! It wasn't suppose to end this way!" I cried into a pillow. I let myself feel and release the shock and grief. Just when I though I could catch my breath it came flooding back. I felt betrayed, angry even. "But God...." I couldn't even finish my sentence. He had given, and He had taken away. How could this have happened? There must be some mistake? Someone pull me from this nightmare how ever I can get away from it. 

For a couple of days, I again went into shock mode. I didn't know what to even say to God. It felt awkward, and I will admit angry. When I finally got up my courage to look heavenward, I let it all out. My pain and hurt. Then I heard the smallest of voices whisper to my heart, "Theresa, my girl, do you trust me?" Like a petulant child I remained quiet. Then I gave out my own wants, my own desires, my own plans on how this was to play out. What his healing could have brought! "Jesus," I choked out. Again, "Theresa, do you trust me?"

Trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or some thing. Did I trust him? God is either good all the time or none of the time. I cannot serve a God who changes like shifting shadows. I claim He is good. I shout He is faithful. Here in this valley, what do I say? In moments where life hurts, bad. 

There is no middle ground. You don't get t straddle that line. Either God is Sovereign or not. 

Does my faith have the strength to rise? 

Theresa, do you trust me. 

Trust is scary. So scary. Trust sometimes requires us to suspend what we are actually seeing and to believe in what we know to be true. Trust sometimes means letting go and knowing He will catch you. But that moment in between the jump and His arms, it is scary. 

It comes down to this. Do I trust Him or not? Do I know His character or not? Has He not proven Himself to me over and over. Do I think He doesn't care? No. I believe he is collecting each tear that falls. That he cries with us as He did with Mary and Martha even though He knew what was coming for Lazarus. Our broken hearts break His. Imagine your child in pain, and you don't stop it because you know something better is coming. It still doesn't take away the sting of their tears. Revelations 21:4 says "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." This earth we are now a part of is not our home. There is so much more coming. So much we don't know. In the not knowing, I have to go to someone who knows something-anything. 

Trust is scary. Faith is scary. You know what makes it less scary? Knowing I have a God who loves me dearly, has shown himself to me time and time again personally, and knowing the heart beat of the Father. 

I dug into the Bible for answers. His word is true or its not. 

Psalm 91:2

"This I declare about the Lord:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;  

He is my God, and I trust Him. "

He is MY God, and I trust in Him. Theresa, do you trust me. You are MY God, Elohim Shama- The God who hears. You are my refuge and my safety, Jehovah Uzzr- The Lord my strength

Hebrews 10:22 (a)- let us go into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting Him. 

Even when My heart is breaking and I can't see past the darkness, I will trust in you Elohim Qarob- God is near. Theresa, Do you trust me? Even in this? God you are Rum Rosh- The one who lifts my head. 

"Yet still I belong to you;

you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

leading me to a glorious destiny.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

I desire you more than anything on earth. 

My health may fail and my spirit grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

He is mine forever."

Psalm 73:23-26

I lift my head. I don't pretend to understand. I won't fake that my heart isn't shattered. What I will do is praise God that I can trust Him with my fragile heart, my shaking hands, my leaking eyes, my mortal understanding. 

He whispered, Theresa, do you trust me?" "Yes, I trust you," I whispered back.  

Then came the funeral

        The miracle came. He is healed and in paradise. He was told "Good job my good and faithful servant." But it wasn't the miracle I had been praying, praising, begging for. A couple days ago I started to hear the beginnings of a song we sang believing in a miracle. I quickly turned it and told my husband I can't sing that for a little bit. I was honest and true when I said God spoke into my heart about trust and I do trust that He works everything- even unto death- for the good of those who love Him. It just wasn't my plan or way. 

So today......BOTH songs I told God I can't sing for awhile played. I seriously looked heavenward and said "really?" Tears streaming down my cheeks I sang them. One was Waymaker. Waymaker. Miracle worker. Promise Keeper. Light in my darkness. My God that is Who You are. And I dropped to my knees. I closed my eyes and I saw myself keep running at a big wooden door. I kept pounding into it with my shoulder. I was crying and begging to be let in, The door splintered. My shoulder was bleeding, but I just kept striking at it desperately. Finally, I knew it wasn't opening. My body slid down the door and I put my head down and cried. Much in the same way I was in the physical. Then I felt hands in mine and looked up into the face of my Savior. He didn't say a word. He squeezed my hands and then pulled me into a standing position. We turned around and on the other wall was a doorway. Bright and Shining. The light was unreal, unearthly. In that moment, I knew if I were to go through that door my friend would be there. Happy and free. Healed and just where he wanted to be. 

When I opened my eyes, God spoke into my heart, "I know you trust me, but you need to surrender. You need to give me back what was never yours to carry." Surrender. That is not a word I like or can relate to. I am a battler. A warrior. A do-er. Surrender. Isn't that giving up? I got home and did a little research on the word surrender- cease resistance to an opponent and submit to their authority. I had made God my opponent. My will vs. His. I am do not make bets. I even hate those scratch off tickets. Even I know that if anything is a SURE bet, a sure win, it's betting on God. My will vs His. His will win. 

God is loudly and clearly telling me that He is not my opponent. That is where I had put Him. I am to cease resistance and submit to Him. Which sounds almost elementary, but it goes so deep. Paul tells us in Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I that live..." Galatians 5: 16 (a) So I say let the Holy Spirit guide your lives..." I had that scripture highlighted in my bible, underlined, and the word LET was circled. Not sure when I did that because sometimes I write dates when I get a word, but maybe I didn't write a date that day because that word was for ME TODAY. Theresa Marie, LET Me. 

It maybe cliche, but the more I learn the more I realize all of what I don't know. Do I trust God? Absolutely Does He know the beginning from the end? He is all knowing Does He always work for my good and has His character proven that "He has this?" Indeed. Every time. 

Surrender. My finances. My vision. My husband and children. My family. My job. My I'm expectations. LET GO. I am trying so hard to hold onto the wind. Yes Jesus. I surrender. I know I will have moments when I want to snatch it back, but remind me that I surrendered. I will submit to Your authority because you are God and I am so not. 

Matthew 16:25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 

What can I bring Him? Poor as I am? I bring Him my surrender.