It's Time...

***Trigger warning; themes of attempted suicide, death, afterlife and missed opportunity***

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The hairs on her arm stood alert as the cold wind swept across her skin, her mother would have called her foolish for not wearing a coat and any other day Charlotte might have cared. But not today. Today she felt numb and unfeeling. She thought back to that dreaded email, unable to comprehend the meaning behind those little black characters on the screen.

Was it true? Was he really planning on leaving for the US. Charlotte kicked a stone hard and it flew over the edge of the cliff and into the dark waters of the ocean below. The waves crashed against the rock face mirroring the turmoil she felt within her heart.

A dream job he had said, something that would change the course of history. Charlotte kicked another rock. It hurt her toe but she welcomed the distraction of the throbbing pain. After kicking another rock, gladdened again by the pain coursing through her foot, Charlotte slumped down onto the thick soggy grass, letting the tears fall down her cheek.

The worst part of this? He would never know.

He would never know the aching longing she felt for him, that she lay awake at night staring at the white wash walls of her ceiling wondering what he was doing, whether he was thinking of her, whether he remembered her existence at all.

Charlotte felt as if her heart were breaking into pieces and she didn’t know what to do about it. It was entirely selfish to get in the way of his dreams. Her only choice was to live with the stabbing pain in her chest and hope that one day it might subside enough for her to go about her life again. Until then? She would have to go about her mundane existence and pretend that it wasn’t darkened by the lack of the person she needed most in the world.

She fell backwards against the soaked grass, tears streaming down the side of her face and looked up through the water that clogged her eyes. It saddened her to note the disinterest she felt in the glimmer and sparkle of the stars above.

This was their favourite spot. Many an evening they had spent laughing and joking. He would tell her about the constellations and stories of how the stars had come to be. Charlotte was not convinced the stories were true but he was a fantastic story teller, his words drew vivid pictures in her mind and his soft lullaby voice would send her to a place beyond their world. A world where anything was possible. A world in which he loved her.

Charlotte’s shoulders shook as she fell into renewed sobs. She would never enter that world again. His stories would fade from her life and eventually from her memory altogether as though he too had been fiction.

She lay on the cold ground for what seemed like hours until the dampness had seeped through her clothing. Charlotte began to shiver and she knew it was time to start heading home. Deep down she wanted nothing more than to lay here and fade away with the stories, but her mother would be worried and Charlotte could not let that happen. No matter what misery she held in her heart Charlotte would not let another be affected.

Charlotte stood up and was about to move in the direction of home when something tingled down her spine causing her to stop suddenly. It was a feeling. A sixth sense.

She wasn't alone.

It was not uncommon for others to be on the green this late at night, most of the youth had nothing better to do than sit on the cliff edge, smoking marijuana and drinking beer. Charlotte looked along the edge but could see no outline or silhouette of the usual rabble. In fact, as far as she could see, there were no silhouettes at all.

Of anyone.

Picking up her bag, Charlotte quickly stepped away from the cliff edge and in the direction of her home. She would need to enter the thicket near where she lived which she was reluctant to do. The shadows of the unkempt, overgrown trees had always creeped her out but today it would be so much worse. Charlotte weighed up her options. It was either the thicket or face the long arduous journey down the cliff face, onto the beach and round to the main street.

Charlotte inched into the trees slowly, analysing her decisions that night. She had left the warm comfort and familiarity of her home to go to a place that was dark and uncertain.

Charlotte stepped lightly, navigating the thicket to ensure she didn’t create undue noise. If someone was following her then she may be able to lose them if she were cautious. Her father had been an expert hunt-mans and had taught her many skills. Charlotte had not been interested in taking up the sport, those poor animals, but she had very much enjoyed the stealth aspect.

Charlotte was briefly reminded of the times she would sneak up on her friend and scare him before he had time to register it was her. He would laugh and start tickling her and they would fall in a heap to the floor. She usually hated being tickled, but from him it was different, it always made her giggle.

Charlotte fought back the tears as she navigated the thick black trees and spiky fauna. She was halfway through when something stopped her dead in her tracks. It was faint at first. Holding her breath, Charlotte waited to see if it would come again.

‘Charlotte.’ A whispered voice floated across the trees.

Charlotte’s heart leapt to her mouth. Had she imagined that?

‘Charlotte’ The voice whispered again.

Charlotte hairs prickled on her arms. She had been right. She was not alone.

Her mind raced. She was not far from home. She could make a run for it and hope that they would not give chase, but she was not a fast runner; her chances of escaping were slim.

‘Who’s there?’ Charlotte quivered.

She listened hard but the voice did not come again. Charlotte took a tentative step onwards when the whispered voice came again, this time more softly, it was further away, in the direction of where she had come. She squinted and saw a white shape at the edge of the thicket. It seemed small and unthreatening, almost innocent.

Actually… it looked like a child.

Against her better judgement Charlotte inched back towards the edge of the thicket. She knew this was the last thing she should be doing, but she also knew that she could not live with herself if it were a child who had become lost on the top.

The white figure moved away, lengthening the distance between them.

‘Wait’ Charlotte shouted.

The figure did not respond or call out but Charlotte swore she heard the whisper again. Following the small figure back out onto the cliff top, Charlotte again questioned her choices. She was not a reckless person but since he had left, something within her had changed. Her desire to live had vanished the day he had.

The figure stopped at the very edge of the cliff. It was half her height and seemed to have the outline of a young boy.

Charlotte inched closer, afraid to startle the child. In the darkness, she could make out very little but it seemed like the child was glowing as if he were wearing white under a black light.

Charlotte gasped as the little boy turned around and stared at her.

‘Charlotte’ the boy whispered quietly. His voice gently floating across to her like a summer breeze.

‘Jamie?’

The boy nodded.

‘You look…’

‘Different?’ The boy smiled sadly.

Charlotte couldn’t understand it. This couldn’t possibly be him. It was a grown man she had loved, not a boy. A man she pined for every day. A man who was changing the world in the USA. A man.

This was a boy.

and yet…

The boy smiled again as if reading her thoughts. ‘I am of course not the man you once knew,’ the child responded, ‘I have been set free.’

Charlotte didn’t understand and emotion welled in her throat. She felt nauseous. What was happening?

‘Charlotte I’m here to tell you to wake up.’

‘What?’ Charlotte said. Her voice dry and croaky.

‘You pine every day for the lost moments. You wonder what would have been had I stayed here with you. Had you told me you loved me, had I never been on that flight the day that it crashed.’

Charlotte dropped to her knees and the tears started flowing again.

The little boy continued, ‘and now you lie in a hospital bed Charlotte, in a coma, because you gave up on life. How could you possibly think that you can’t survive without me? Do you not see how wonderfully strong you are? You must stop blaming yourself Charlotte, you must wake.’

‘I should have told you whilst I had the chance,’ Charlotte whispered.

‘And what then my darling? Yes, our life would have been different. We would’ve had many happy days together, but we would have also stopped each other achieving ambitions. It was for selfless love that we did what we did Charlotte. We chose to bear the misery to protect the other’s happiness.’

‘So, you did love me?’ Charlotte choaked.

‘More than you know. You remember how you said you wanted to be a comedian. How you practiced every day. How you said you would be the funniest person in the whole damn world.’

Charlotte smiled weakly.

‘Well, I knew you could do it. I knew you had it in you. I chose not to say anything that might divert you from that path.’

The boy sat beside Charlotte on the ground and put his arm around her, she felt the warmth of his arm over her shoulders. His arm felt familiar and yet so very different.

‘Why are you a child now?’ Charlotte asked quietly.

‘We are all children when we leave Charlotte. We return to the innocence and purity from which we came.’

‘Will I become a child?’

‘Eventually,’ the boy smiled, ‘but not today. Today, you must wake.’

‘I can’t survive without you Jamie. I can’t. You were my best friend, my only friend. I can’t go at this life alone.’

‘Well, that’s not true. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.’ The boy looked at her fondly, ‘it is not yet time for your light to be dimmed. There are still many that will benefit from your light and joy, your comedy and warmth, as I once did.’

Charlotte began to cry again, ‘I wish I’d have told you how I felt Jamie. I wish it so much, life would have been so different.’

The boy gently wiped the tears from Charlotte’s eyes.

‘Charlotte I already knew’ his voice a melody of gentle whispers. ‘We would have grown old and had kids perhaps but that would not have been enough, you were born to be a comedian and a successful one. Even knowing what happened to me. I tell you this, I would not have changed a single thing about what I did that day, for it would have prevented you becoming who you were meant to be.'

The boy looked deeply into her eyes. 'It is no use living in a world of what was, or could have been. It is only this life that counts.’

Charlotte looked back at the boy she once knew.

‘Does it hurt?’

‘Death?’ The boy smiled softly, ‘it’s like falling asleep.’

‘Can I come?’

The boy shook his head. ‘No, this time you must wake. There is still so much you must bring to the world. Keep your light bright and heart soft and stop blaming yourself for what happened. When we meet again, that will be our time.’

The boy stood up as if to go then turned back to her, ‘can I do this one last thing for you?’

Charlotte looked up and saw for the first time ever, a glisten of pain buried deep within his eyes. She realised as her shoulders lightened, he had taken her pain upon himself.

‘Do you feel better?’

Charlotte nodded, her eyes filling with tears once again.

‘Good. Then it’s time to wake.’

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