The Purfect Minion

I never thought a ball of fluff would be the thing to bring about my destruction, but here we are. 

As I look at said ball of fluff, sitting across from me, I consider the irony of my situation. My once grand entryway, immaculate in all its splendor, now lays in such a state of disarray that it has never seen before. All brought about by that damn pile of fluff. 

It was only a few days ago when I first encountered it, looking at me then as it did now, pure innocence sitting on my doorstep. I had no idea where it came from, or how it managed to evade my security measures, but when I opened the door there it was, looking at me with those eyes. 

I had considered punting it across the yard at first, to ensure it would leave and never come back, but something in me caused me to hesitate. It was so small, like a little black hole that had spontaneously opened right in front of me. And as I thought about it more, I found myself more and more inclined to keep it. A black kitten finding its way to the doorstep of someone like me could be no coincidence; clearly, this tiny animal was destined to be my minion. 

As soon as I came to this conclusion, it took the liberty of walking between my legs into the house, and promptly made itself at home. This should have been my first clue, but at the time it only confirmed my belief that we were destined to be together. 

I scooped the little cat into my arms and proceeded to give it (him? her? How did one tell the gender of a kitten?) a tour of the place. I showed it all throughout, the kitchen, the bedrooms, finally ending in the most important room in the house. 

I never liked the term ‘lair’ to describe where my villainous activities took place (such a negative connotation) but who was I kidding, it was a lair. As soon as we entered, the kitten squirmed out of my arms and jumped to the floor, racing to explore. 

Oh yes, it would do quite nicely here. 

It paraded about the room, jumping on counters, sniffing the chemicals bubbling in their vials. It walked over the plans laid out on my desk, leaving tiny little paw prints all over the blueprints for my latest designs. It wasn’t until the cat had one paw poised to step on the big red button in the corner that I scooped it up and halted its exploration. 

Lifting the tiny animal to eye level, I shook my finger at its nose, “You don’t touch that red button, you hear me?” It swatted at my finger distractedly. I brought it over to the button and pointed at it, “This button right here,” Another swat, this time distressingly close to the button. “No, don’t touch that!” 

I sighed and shook my head, stepping out of the room and shutting the door behind me. I was really going to have to find a cover or something for that button.

That night I retired by the fire to read a book, as I did each night. Of course, this night, I had a small black ball of fluff that was constantly trying to curl up on the book as I was trying to read it. Each time, I picked it up and gently set it on the pillow beside me. And each time, it would pick itself up, tail waving in the air, and ceremoniously place itself back down atop the pages. 

The sass was strong with this one. And honestly, I had never met a man who could quite pull that particular air of haughtiness off quite so flawlessly. Clearly this was how one discovered that their cat was a fearless female.

I stared at the giant ink blot taking over the pages of my book, purring slightly. It was like all of the light created by the fire was sucked into the black void she created on the paper. That was it! I tapped her gently on the nose. What could be a better name for my evil minion? It was edgy, different, and had an air of foreboding to it without being too obvious. 

As I stood up to go to sleep I gestured to my new companion. “Come on, Void, it’s time for bed.”

When I awoke the next morning, before I even opened my eyes I knew something was off. I made it out of bed and all the way down the stairs before seeing even a sign of my new house guest. However, as I entered the library she certainly made her presence known. Shreds of paper littered the floor, a veritable carpet, as if she had taken it upon herself to redecorate. I made my way into the room, picking up the brutalized remains of my beloved books, now empty and torn. In the midst of the chaos sat the little Void atop the book I had been reading the night before. 

Tail in the air and a challenge in her eyes, she raised a claw, poised to strike and claim another victim. It seemed clear the message she was trying to convey - she was the boss here. 

Oh no you are not!

With the speed that had helped me take down many adversaries before, I snatched the little demon up right as her claw grazed the surface of the page. Holding the cat far away with one hand I examined the book to assess the damage, and breathed a sigh of relief. Not a scratch. 

I shook my finger at her nose once more. “You don’t do that! Bad cat.”

If she was going to grow up to be a good little minion she was going to have to learn who was really in charge here. I brought her over to the trophy room and raised her to eye level with the glass cases, holding her by the scruff of her neck. 

I pointed to the first item in the case, a slick black mask that perched in a specially mounted holder. “You see this? That was the mask of the Manta Ray, yes, the famous brooding superhero. I knocked this off of her self-righteous face when I defeated her at the Battle for Tristico. And this?” I pointed toward a golden spear, “This I won from The Lion when he failed to foil my plot to poison the city. And this…” I sighed with satisfaction, a smile growing at the fond memories. I picked up the wizard’s staff and stroked it lovingly, “This I plucked right from Captain Cross’s very fingertips, when he tried, and failed, to detain me for killing his lady love.”

I brought the kitten up to my eyes, still holding it by the scruff. “Do you see who’s really in charge here?”

“What is that?” a male voice sounded behind me. 

I slowly turned around my shoulder to see The Menace on the coms screen behind me. Eyebrows raised, I attempted to hide the cat from view as I faced him, and of course she deemed now the perfect time to let out a loud and unmistakable, meeeoow.

“Is… Is that a cat?”

“What? Cat? This? No. Well, yes, technically yes. But -”

“Viper, why do you have a cat? Well not even a cat. Why do you have what seems to be a kitten in your hands? And why were you talking to it?”

“Uhhh…”

He shook his head and placed it down into his hands in a look of total defeat. Wiping his brow he took a breath and, “You know, V, I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, but this just about does it. I cannot be in a relationship with a villain who keeps a tiny kitten as a pet. I mean, come on, V, this just goes against everything we stand for.”

“No! She, she’s not a pet! She’s a minion!” I proudly held up the kitten in my hands, nodding matter-of-factly.

He just sighed and shook his head once again. “We’re done. Goodbye, V.”

I blinked in shock at the screen. My boyfriend had just broken up with me. Over vidcom. Because of a kitten. 

I looked at the guilty party, fire building up in my veins. That was it, this feline was toast!

Sensing danger, Void bit down on my finger and made her escape, dashing away down the hall. I raced after that little shadow, until I lost it around a corner, still fuming. 

Of course, I wanted to throttle the thing, but I didn’t have time to chase a cat around my fortress. The V.I.A meeting (Villains in Action, for those of you who don’t know) was later this afternoon and frankly it could make or break my career. It was the annual national conference. All of the biggest names in villainy would be there! The Mandrake! Dark Shadows! Even the Storm herself! I simply didn’t have the time to waste on catching a pest. Presentations on the newest advances in nuclear grenades wouldn’t perfect themselves. 

But, oh shit, the conference was about to start any second now. I settled myself behind my intimidatingly large oak desk and pulled up the vidcom feed. 

“Why hello, Green Viper, how nice of you to join us,”

I bristled, and adjusted my lime green mask as I was addressed by none other than La Dame Noir. And she knew my name. 

The older villain's mouth twitched at the corner, the closest La Dame ever came to a smile. “I’ve been keeping an eye on you. You are the future of our very profession. I see very big things in your future.”

That was it. Life. MADE. I could’ve died that minute and not even cared because La Dame Noir thought that I had potential!

I smiled back at her. But not like, too much. No, like a villain.

“The floor is yours.”

And that was my signal to begin the biggest presentation of my career. 

“Grenades, they’ve always been a valuable tool in the villains arsenal. But how are nuclear grenades even better? Here you can see…”

“Viper?”

I whipped my head up to see who spoke, and promptly saw that it was not my presentation on grenade advances displaying on the screen. No. No, it was much worse. 

“Are those fake newspaper articles about you? Did you make these up?”

GREEN VIPER: GREATEST SUPERVILLAIN TO EVER TERRORIZE THE EARTH 

The fake headline scrolled across the screen on the face of a fake newspaper article. And yes, I did make them myself. 

I scrambled to stop the presentation. How was this even open? I had made it a few months ago when I was bored and learning how to use iMovie but oh my god why wouldn’t it stop playing. I panicked, trying to locate my computer mouse that I had somehow lost, but there!

My eyes locked on a black ball of fluff that was batting my computer mouse, while apparently trying to spell my doom. I lunged across the room, grabbing at the cat, but it was too quick! It had snatched the mouse in its jaws and darted across the already destroyed library. I chased it around the room, rage making me see red. I would get that cat if it was the last thing I did. 

Finally, it got distracted and I saw a brief moment of opportunity. I lunged across the desk and grasped the kitten in my hand, raising it into the air triumphantly. 

“Ah HAH! Gotcha!”

A cough sounded behind me. 

Once again I turned around to a vidcom screen behind me while trying to hide a cat behind my back.

“Is that a cat?”

I dropped, defeated.

“Honestly, Viper, a kitten? I can’t believe I saw potential in you. With the embarrassing slideshow and now the cat honestly I don’t believe you’re even cut out to be a villain anymore. Save us all the trouble and don’t come to the regional meeting next month.”

Hearing those words spill out of my hero’s (or villain’s?) mouth was like sticking a knife into my soul. I looked at the kitten in rage and tossed it across the room. 

Of course, it landed on its feet and pranced away, as if satisfied with its work. Damn nine lives. 

I spent the rest of the day and much of the next laying in bed, ruminating on my failures. My boyfriend was gone and I was never going to find another one, not now that my career was ruined. I was no longer welcome in the V.I.A. I was a laughingstock amongst even the most bland of villains. And probably even the heroes had heard about it by now too. How was I ever to show my face again? Who would be afraid of the villain that had been beaten by a kitten?

If only I had known then that Void’s reign of terror still had not come to an end. 

I awoke a few days (weeks? months? Who knew) to the sound of rumbling. At first, it was just a gentle rocking, but it grew stronger and stronger, like an earthquake gaining momentum. Then the sound started, louder than anything I had heard before. And then I knew. 

I sprang out of bed. 

“Missie!”

I raced down the stairs towards my lair and was alarmed to find the door wide open. It had been locked, how was this happening? But there. Void, my nemesis, was delicately cleaning herself, perched atop that big, red, button. 

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE”

The rest of the room was in disarray. The vials were all broken and spilled everywhere, and had even caused a fire in the corner of the room that was burning through all of my careful plans. 

It was at that moment that my fury came to a peak, and steam began to screech out of my ears like a cartoon character. My vision, in my anger, turned red, and put a target square in the middle of the forehead of that damn. Black. KITTEN. 

“YOU’RE DEAD!”

I screeched as I lunged across the room to capture my prey once and for all, but it darted out of the room from between my legs and made an escape. The noise and the rumbling grew as I chased her down the halls. She destroyed everything in her path, more than it seemed she had already destroyed everything while I was in my depression spiral the past few days. The fortress was in such a state as it had never been before. 

It was then that the countdown began.

“Ten. Nine. Eight…”

The automated voice counted down the seconds until my beloved Missie would take off into the skies, gone forever. But I couldn’t take my eyes off of that damned cat for even one second. 

“Five. Four. Three...”

As the counter went on I found my fire burning out, and I slowed until finally the monotone voiced droned out,

“Lift off.”

I stepped out into the front yard to watch as my hard work lifted off into the skies. Missie, the nuclear missile that I had been working on for years, who I was going to present to my peers at the V.I.A. meeting, receded in my vision until she was nothing more than a dot, high above. The saddest part is that she couldn’t even cause any of the havoc she had been built to wreak; while I was considering a target, I had merely aimed her at a planet in a galaxy far away. My only hope was that maybe once she reached her destination in another solar system, she would wreak a little havoc there. 

I walked back into the destroyed house, and put out the fire that had started in my lair. It had destroyed everything of course - computers, plans, potions - every single scrap I had of Missie was gone. There was no hope of ever recreating her. 

And that brings us back to the present. Me, sitting in the ruins of my once grand home, sitting opposite my foulest enemy. Before I can help myself, tears are running down my cheeks, and I bring my knees up to hug them against my chest. Never in my life have I felt so alone. 

But then, I feel a light touch along the back of my hand, and hear a soft purring. I open my eyes to see little Void, my nemesis, walking in circles, before finally curling up on my lap. I run my hand through the soft black fur in my saddened state. 

She looks up at me with those innocent eyes, the ones that convinced me to take her in as my minion in the first place. Now, in the calm after the storm, I can see her again as I did then, and as she continues purring I realize I’m not quite as alone as I thought I was.