The Bright, Cold Concrete

“Another friend. Gone.” she said to herself as she tossed the heavy, silver coin into the sparkling streams of water pouring from the fountain in front of her, “They all just seem to be drifting off from my life one by one.” 

She grabbed another silver coin from her denim pocket and tossed it toward the fountain with an even stronger force than before. She felt herself losing control of her emotions, but she felt as though she’d rather die than have a meltdown in public right now. Even if the only things around her right now are stray cats and the strange man who sits on a camouflaged lawn chair to protect anyone in need. Him. She replays the thought in her head that she knows him as a pronoun. Her eyes drifted from the fountain to the strange man. She watched him for a few moments. She wonders if he remembers her. And, if so, what could he possibly think of her?

She feels as though people get too close to her for her liking. Everything is easier for her when she doesn’t have to worry about caring about another human so much. Her Tuesday therapist says that she has to open her heart more to have people stay. Meanwhile, her Thursday therapist tells her that “you don’t have to please everyone in your life to make them stay”. It can’t be that easy, she thinks to herself, because if it was that easy then why would they leave? Why does everyone stop desiring to be in her life when she shows even an ounce of being cherished back to them? Without noticing it, she begins to re-run these two statements in her head over and over. Tears well up in her eyes, and heated watery streams of water run down her cheeks. But, she doesn’t notice. She’s becoming too lost in her own head; thoughts utterly disintegrating her sense of current presence because that isn’t what’s real right now. All that’s real to her are these mere thoughts of desperation seeking truths to something that can’t ever be truly answered. She knows the suddenness of this feeling seems odd and random, but it’s all that’s normal for her at the same time.

However, her body is still running its course; eyes drifting back to the fountain yet again. She throws another silver coin from her pocket towards the continuous water-filling sculpture. The force behind this action is more of a threatening chuck towards the water, as though this subconsciously means something more than just innocently casting wishes. 

The strength behind this throw causes the name tag that was pinned onto her shirt to pop off and fall on the dirty, porcelain coral tile below her feet. The sound of the plastic clashing with the hardness of the porcelain momentarily snaps her back into the present moment. Her tired eyes drift down towards her name tag, the only object that identified a bit of who she was. She went to the “Bring-a-Friend, Meet-a-Friend” convention with a friend earlier that day. The whole premise of bringing a friend to show that you can actually talk to people so you can meet a new person to also be friends with was odd to her. Then again, this most likely wasn’t the actual purpose behind the convention, but any other reason seemed utterly dumb to her. 

She leaned down and swiftly picked up the plastic that conveyed one of the most certain things that she knew about herself. She gazed at the two cartoon teddy bears hugging each other right below her name with the convention’s banner near the top of their heads. She smiled a little bit to herself, the sight of a symbol of youth and friendship giving her a second of happiness. Her eyes then drifted to her name branded in black ink: “Laura”. A name that she’s quite fond of. She continued looking at her name as the crickets chirped loudly in the background. 

Staring at her name felt both comforting and dissociating at the same time. Laura knew that she was and will always be Laura. But, so many people have her name as well. So what does it mean to have a name belonging to you, yet not be only yours? Laura had the sudden thought that maybe the same could be said about the people who have come and gone in her life. They belonged to her, but at the same time, they were never only hers. People can belong to other peoples’ lives in some capacity, and this idea is fine with Laura. But, it’s the notion of how easily she’s been replaced by others that consumes her. How quickly someone else has filled the shoes she was in for someone, how fast she became just an afterthought and no longer a priority to someone she loved dearly. 

Laura’s eyes welled up with tears once more—only this time, she was fully aware of it. These negative thoughts from before were crowding her brain again, and she didn’t know what she could do on God’s green earth to stop it. She clipped the name tag back on and frantically wiped her warm tears with the long sleeve of her turtleneck, as though to look like nothing was going on. The unexpected warmth of the velvet cloth from her clothes rubbed up against her cheeks made her feel comforted. This strangely made her cry even more as she subconsciously worried that this sensation of comfort would barely last. Laura slightly cowered over and hugged herself with one of her arms tightly, the other still attached to the hand that was pressed up against her cheek. 

She was alone standing in front of a hopeful wish-filled fountain—a completely isolated figure from the rest of the world. She felt bad for herself and started to silently sob before she realized that she’d be embarrassed if anyone heard her. Laura knew that she could’ve taken this moment to just let it all out and cry during this quiet time at 3 a.m., and the stray cats and the strange man were still the only ones nearby. But she still wanted to look like she was okay when she wasn’t. She knew that it caused less trouble that way. 

But, it wasn’t until she heard a suddenly concerned voice from behind her that she came to realize that she wasn’t alone after all. A sudden tap on her hunched shoulder startled her, eyes becoming wide as she stared at the tile below. Her brain ran through all the many possibilities of who this person could be. Was it the strange man, who noticed her silent cries and came to comfort her? Laura’s mind continued running rampant with thoughts of how to prepare herself for this unexpected confrontation until the mysterious voice eventually spoke: “Hey...um, I got us those Slurpees.” 

Oh. It was the friend she took to that convention. 

All this time, Laura hadn’t remembered that the whole reason she was out here alone in the first place was that both she and her friend wanted to try Slurpees from 7/11. However, she got tired from walking around all night and wanted to sit down on a nearby bench and relax. Her friend decided to go by herself and come back with the Slurpees. While Laura waited, she noticed the fountain and began throwing coins to make meaningless wishes to pass the time. How weird it was for Laura to think that she went from boredom to a mental breakdown in the time it took for her friend to leave and come back.

Laura quickly straightened her body out and spun around to face her friend, who had a blue Slurpee in one hand and a red one in the other. Her friend handed the blue Slurpee to Laura since blue is her favorite color. The fact that her friend seemed to remember this nearly brought back the waterworks. She swiftly avoided eye contact with her. Laura sipped the Slurpee for a few moments without stopping to heal the dehydration her constant tears caused. Her friend just watched her, sipping her red Slurpee. “Do you want to sit down and drink that, Laura? It’s kind of weird to stand up while drinking that thing.” She laughed but quickly stopped when she saw Laura’s face. “...Unless you want to head home now?” Laura, still sipping on a drink, waved a hand at her friend and shook her head. She finally took her mouth off of the straw after a few more seconds to speak. “The last thing I want to do right now is go home. We can sit down though.” 

The two then sat side-by-side on the bench in front of the fountain. The only sounds that filled the air were the crickets, and the zipper on her friend’s coat clanging against the metal bench any time she slightly moved around—which was a lot. Laura barely kept her eyes on her friend, absently staring at the dancing water in the fountain. It wasn’t until nearly half an hour went by that her friend finally spoke. 

“So, um…what was going on right before I came here?”

“What do you mean?” Laura said quietly, still staring at the fountain.

“Well, I mean...you were clearly going through something while I was gone.”

Laura shifted in her spot and swirled the straw around in her drink, “I don’t know why you think that.” 

“Well, then why won’t you look at me?” 

Laura stopped stirring the straw in her drink and just looked at both of their shoes. They had matching shiny, black Mary Janes. The two wore the same shoes today as a funny way of telling everyone that they’re close. Thinking back to it, Laura wasn’t sure if people caught that today. She sighed before drifting her eyes from their shoes to her friend’s face, purposely avoiding looking at her friend’s name tag. While this girl has been friends with Laura for two years, even just reminding herself that her friend has a name feels like too close of an attachment. Odd to think, she knows, but she also knows that no one has been her friend for this long. Even slightly getting comfortable is going to do more harm to her in the end. The thought that the flame in this friendship could die anytime reached Laura’s brain as she finally locked eyes with her friend. The tears welled up for the third time tonight, and she honestly wished that she could be better at stopping them. 

As the familiar streams of water fell off her face, Laura’s friend grabbed her face. Her friend’s eyebrows knitted together, and concern mixed with tears in her own watery her eyes. “Laura, what happened?” her friend gently said. However, Laura didn’t fill the silence with her response. “Who hurt you?” her friend pressed for more information, eyes intensely locked onto Laura’s. She’s never felt this kind of concern from someone who wasn’t her mother. Like someone cared to know what was going on with her. When her friend just kept staring at her, Laura got the idea that she had to say something or else this would just be an endless staring contest.

“People. People hurt me.” 

Her friend was taken aback by this. “People? Who do you mean, exactly?”

“Everyone. Everyone just leaves me at one point or another. Like I was just randomly thinking about that friend we used to have, Marceline, while I was at the fountain. I remembered all of the times we’d go to that fountain to throw coins and make our deepest wishes together.” Laura's voice seemed to be getting shaky, but she continued. “She just got up and left one day. I must have done something to cause her to leave. I just can’t figure out what I did.”

“You didn’t do anything, Laura. People just leave sometimes because they want new things in life. She just ended up making new friends. It had nothing to do with you.” Her friend wiped both of their tears with her jacket sleeve. 

“But, she replaced me with someone else. Why does everyone just change their minds about me? They all just drift out of my life at some point, no matter what.”

“It’s not about you. Some people just aren’t meant to stay and we have to let go of them sometimes.” her friend said to Laura softly. Laura looked taken aback by hearing this.

“But, don’t you just find it odd how we can live on the same planet as people, even the same city, and not even see them ever again in our lives? Like…how am I supposed to just be okay with that?”

Her friend stared at Laura for a while, then took her eyes off her and looked at the base of the fountain. Small colored rocks were embedded within the concrete, and it produced a glimmer whenever the light hit it just right. Since it was dark outside, and the only source of light was from the stars and the old streetlights, the rocks didn’t glimmer as much at this point in time. Her friend smiled to herself before finally responding to Laura.

“You know, I honestly can’t answer that for you. It’s just something you have to be okay with. You can’t fix it or do anything, you just have to let the universe give you what you need when it comes to these kinds of things,” Her friend traveled her eyes back to Laura, who was still staring at her, “The world is beautiful, and it’s full of so many small pleasures. That includes all the new people that will come and go in your life.” Her friend sipped her red Slurpee after saying her final sentence to Laura, “The universe brought us together to be friends after all. That’s proof of what the universe can give you.”

Laura widened her eyes. She knows that they both agree as though their friendship was written in the stars. That no matter what happens between them, they just stick together like a perfect set of magnets to a fridge door. Laura smiled and laid her head on her friend’s shoulder, gazing her eyes up towards the stars above them. 

“You’re really cheesy, but you do make a great point.” Laura continued to stare at the stars, searching to see if she could see Venus in the sky, “I’m just scared of letting people come and go. I just want to make them stay.”

Her friend laid her head on top of Laura’s head and stared at the stars with her. 

“I know. But there are plenty of people in this world that you’ll want to stay. And, I’m sure a lot of those people are going to be weirdos that you’ll come to adore.”

“I do love weirdos.”

Her friend slightly laughed, which caused them to raise their bodies in sync as she moved her shoulders. Laura grabbed her friend’s hand and tightly squeezed it.

“Thanks for sticking around, Audrey.” Laura let herself feel safe for one moment and took this opportunity to finally acknowledge her friend’s name. She was always allowed to feel safe, she just had to be reminded of it.

“Thank you for sticking around too, Laura,” Audrey squeezed Laura’s hand tightly back, “Now, finish your Slurpee. I didn’t go to a 7/11 in the dead of night alone just to have you waste a good Slurpee.”

Laura grinned softly and looked at the bright, cold concrete on the fountain that had been with her this entire night. Something about concrete seems to be oddly comforting now to her. Despite Audrey’s seemingly cheesy words, Laura moved and picked up her blue Slurpee to clink it against Audrey’s red Slurpee. She flashed a quick smile at her.

“Oh, I won’t.”