The Joyriders Club

Chewing Juicy Fruit during a Border Enforcement interrogation isn’t a great idea.

   “Lose the gum, kiddo!” Officer McNally said, reaching for his waste basket. 

   “Who says so?”

   “You’re on the Moon now,” he said, proffering the bin. “That’s our rule here.” 

   I had one last chomp on the gum, plucked it from my mouth in a pincer movement and flicked it into the hovering receptacle.

   “Thank you, Erika,” McNally said, passing the bin to his fellow officer, who removed my pack of gum from the table with a sneer on her face. 

   I lowered my eyes. “Help yourself, why don’t you?”

   “Now…” McNally checked his notes. “Where did we get to—-?”

   “You’d just asked me why I’d stowed away on an interplanetary shuttle.”

   “Oh, yes,” McNally said, pressing the record button. “Officers McNally and Toll resuming interview with female suspect at Moon Base Omega—-”

McNally peered at me over his glasses and cleared his throat.

   “How about a name?” Officer Toll said, staring at me with beady avian eyes set in a granite escarpment. “Well?”

   “I’m Sheena. Sheena Bridge.”

   “A bridge too far, eh Ted?”

   McNally gave Toll a sideways glance.

   “I’ve never heard that before.”

   “She’s got balls, Ted.”

McNally shrugged and pressed the record button again. “It’s zero-eight-hundred hours, dateline two, fifteen, twenty-forty-one. Officers McNally and Toll are with suspect Sheena Bridge, who is calm and poses neither an immediate security risk nor an obvious terrorist threat…”

   I never imagined I’d wake up in space, to be honest. I thought Jimmy was joking around and we’d just curl up for a couple of hours and leg it before anyone noticed us. It’s funny how things work out. However, I’m not laughing now.

   I guess it all started when I said, ‘But how much do you love me, Jimmy?’ and he said, ‘More than all the stars in the universe.’ 

   How do you prove a love like that? I mean, that’s a tall order for anyone.

   Afterwards, Jimmy told me it was supposed to be a surprise for Valentine’s Day. He just wanted to show me a sight I’d never forget. Jimmy was old-fashioned in that respect and a true romantic at heart. On a previous occasion, he’d prepared a surprise picnic and illuminated our rear garden with dozens of flickering tea-lights, leading me there blindfolded for a midnight feast. I couldn’t believe it when he whipped off the scarf. He’d transformed our scruffy garden into a glowing shrine of soft shadows and scintillating dreams. 

   Anyway, despite our attempts to count the stars, we never achieved a good view of the night sky because it was too cloudy, maybe not dark enough, or perhaps a sudden downpour would curtail our reverie. We’d abandon our plan, retreat to our living room carpet, and lie side by side on a tartan blanket, pretending we were shipwrecked on a deserted atoll. However, peering up at the night sky through a gap in one’s curtains doesn’t cut it. I’ve got to hand it to him, he tried. He always rose to the task, filling the room with twinkling fairy lights and shimmering candles. We both tried. We had fun trying. It’s just that, well. You know how it is? There’s always more out there. Life’s always about defining the limits.

   Jimmy had been a baggage handler at Heathrow’s Terminal Eight for a year. He’d worked the night shift and knew the spaceport inside out. Jimmy had done plenty of moon shots as cargo crew and knew the routine. He’d access to all the secure areas, so a night of star watching beyond the main runway wasn’t all that intrepid, if we were careful.

   To be honest, I didn’t think he was serious when he said he’d prepared a picnic and asked me to grab a bottle of fizzy. We started off the evening in the control tower’s shadow and skulked past security to the space shuttle’s hangar. There’s less light pollution being away from the city and it’s darker out there.

   After we’d finished our picnic, we grabbed our blanket and basket and headed to the cargo area at the rear of Terminal Eight. We’d had a bit to drink and I remember clambering over luggage in the fuselage's rear. I know we were daft to make out inside the shuttle. Falling asleep in each other’s arms was a big mistake, too. 

   When I woke up, it was dark and Jimmy was snoring beside me. I tried to bring him round, and he groaned. We soon discovered they’d locked the cargo doors prior to departure. Then, before I knew it, we were on our way. It was Jimmy who suggested chewing the Juicy Fruit. He told me it helps avoid ear ache. ‘Sudden changes in cabin pressure can be painful,’ he said.

   Hours later, Jimmy nudged me awake and handed me a scarf to cover my eyes. I got to my feet, and he led me in darkness through the pressurised cargo hold. I followed Jimmy, still blindfolded and holding his hand, and we clunked our way up the creaking metal walkway until we reached the spherical observation deck and then, Wow! A three-hundred-degree view of the stars; up above and all around. It was way beyond my comprehension. A myriad of stars twinkling in the velvety darkness of the universe and infinite clusters of tiny lights that spiralled on forever more.

   “Was it worth it?” asked McNally, turning to Toll, who rolled her eyes.

   “God yeah! Who wouldn’t catch their breath, opening their eyes to see billions of stars in every direction?”

   “Believe me,” said Toll. “It gets like wallpaper after a while---”

   “You were saying?” said McNally, stroking his bristly jowls.

   “I recall collapsing down on my knees and covering my open mouth with both hands. Jimmy sat down beside me and I saw a look in his eyes that I’d never seen before. His lips moved towards mine. We kissed each other. I can’t describe to you what I felt. It seemed as if my life had built in a slow crescendo to that perfect moment, and then Jimmy fumbled open a little metal box and I bit my lip…”

   Toll looked up from her paperwork and gave a gentle snort.

   “Then he said, ‘Marry me...’” 

   McNally drew a deep breath and twisted his mouth into a lopsided smirk.

   “Am I in trouble?”

   “Well,” he said, removing his glasses to clean them. “This happens more than you might imagine.”

   “We should throw the book at her, Ted.”

   I swallowed and rotated Jimmy’s precious ring on my fourth finger.

   “You mean the special book, Officer Toll?” McNally extracted a two-inch thick, dusty ledger from his desk drawer, and held it aloft.

   “That’s the one,” Toll smiled, staring at me. “Do your worst, McNally.”

   “But we didn’t do nothing—-”

   The hefty volume thudded on the table top like a body-slammed wrestler hitting the deck. I recoiled from the impact and swallowed, but my throat was dry and my eyes stung like crazy as they welled up. 

   Toll leaned back in her chair, extended her forearms and braced her interlocked fingers. She chuckled as her knuckles cracked under the strain, making sharp pops like chicken wishbones snapped for good luck. I imagined she enjoyed stripping down and shredding a carcass for kicks. 

   McNally was oblivious to her behaviour, plucked a pen from his breast pocket and flicked through the ledger’s many pages to locate the last entry.

   “You need to disclose your contact details and sign the book,” he said, smoothing down a page of scrawled names and addresses. “You just joined the joyrider’s club.”

   “The joyrider’s what?”

   “This happens more often than you’d believe, young lady.”

   “But I don’t under—-”

   “We’re sending you back home with a slap on the wrist and—-

   “No way…. Is that it?”

   “Not unless you want a charge.”

   “You’re joking, right?”

   “There’re no second chances.” Toll popped the last two sticks of my Juicy Fruit between her teeth and clacked down hard. “So, don’t push it.”  

Her exaggerated jaw movements continued and did little to contradict her charmless bovine manner, scoring her worthless points in a game nobody cared about.   

   “We’re done here, Ted.”

   “Interview with suspect Sheena Bridge concluded at zero-eight-ten hours. Miss Bridge has signed all the interplanetary transportation disclaimers. Officers McNally and Toll will escort Miss Bridge onto the next available flight to Heathrow Terminal Eight. No further action required. Case closed.”

The End