Them and I

“Are you coming tonight?”

I screamed as the glass I had just picked up fell from my grasp. Chocolate almond milk seeped across the floor as I whipped my head around to face the intruder, who had just slid in through the open fire escape window.

It was Evan. He giggled at me as he swung a leg over the sill. “Hey dude, you dropped your nut juice.”

I heaved a sigh of relief and rolled my eyes. “First of all, don’t call it that. Second, you really gotta stop coming in like that. You’re going to kill me, and besides, you have a key. Thirdly, you know full well I am not going.”

“Geez, you’re such a buzzkill.” He grabbed a kitchen towel and helped me with the mess.

“And you’re a pain in my ass,” I retorted. “Seriously though, why can’t you just come in through the front door like a normal person?” 

“Uh, I think the term you’re looking for is ‘best friend’ and in answer to your question,” he leaned in close to my ear, “I like making you squirm.” I made a face at him and shoved my elbow into his ribcage. He cackled and chucked the rag at me. “Haha, your face is priceless! But actually, I uh, kinda lost the key.” 

I groaned. “Remind me why we’re friends again?”

“Because you looooove me. Also you need someone to talk for you at social gatherings. Which brings us back to my original point-”

“No.”

“Oh come on Alex. It’s just a small get-together in honor of our childhood friends’ engagement. You’ve already met everyone there anyway. No strangers.”

That was the problem. Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t mind social events as long as I could find a cold drink and quiet corner. I didn’t like staying for long periods of time but I could deal with it, especially if Evan was there. In a weird way, hanging out with strangers was actually easier than meeting old acquaintances. I didn’t have to play catch up; pretend that I still cared about the same movies from five years ago, or act like I actually enjoyed the job so-and-so’s mom set me up with. I didn’t have to maintain this...image. People change. I’ve changed, in more ways than one, and trying to explain that to someone who’s known you since you were five is... exhausting, to say the least. It was so much easier to just start over with someone new. I could talk about things that I actually cared about, without any obligation to “keep in touch”. I could be the person that I wanted to be. 

I could be Alex. 

“Hey, you ok?” 

I blinked back to reality. Evan was frowning at me with arms crossed. “Oh uh, yeah I’m good, sorry.”

He sighed and leaned against the counter. “You’re overthinking again, aren’t you?” I just shrugged and washed the glass. I could feel his eyes boring into the back of my skull. Here comes the counterargument. 

“Alex. Dude. You know I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to, but I just think you’re psyching yourself out for no reason. We’ve known these guys for years. Played together, skated together. They came out to you first, remember? I know you haven’t really talked to them about...that, but do you really think they won’t accept it? If anything, those two would be the most supportive out of everyone. Besides me, of course!”

I knew he was right. I wasn’t the first one in our group to have an identity crisis. But, my anxiety rarely backed down in the face of logic. That being said, with everything going on I hadn’t gotten out of my apartment much lately. And I did miss hanging out with everyone. I slumped dramatically over the sink.

“Ugh ok fine! You win.”

“Ha! I knew you’d come around! Now get dressed, we gotta be there in a couple hours and I know you like to take your time.”

“Yeah yeah, don’t push me!” 

I took a deep breath and headed to my room. Evan was right. How bad could it be?

--

Famous last words. Always. 

I was sitting in my corner of choice, staring open-mouthed at my unhinged best friend as he chugged his third beer of the night. Our elementary friends were cheering him on as usual. I should have known this would become a rager. Tucker and his fiance, Calvin, were party animals by nature. I rubbed my temple and got up to grab some fresh air, and a bit of silence. I was thwarted, however, by the sliding of the screen door behind me. I clenched my jaw and tried to neutralize my expression. 

“Heh, saw that.” I raised an eyebrow in surprise.

“Jamie? What are you doing here? Haven’t seen you in ages.” 

“I was just gonna say the same thing. Nice hair, by the way.”

I smiled softly, subconsciously running my hands through my shoulder-length curls. It was one of the few physical steps I had taken to feel a little more like myself. “Thanks. You look cool, as usual.”

He rolled his eyes. “Same leather jacket from high school. I’ve never found a better one. What are you up to these days?”

And just like that, I was making small talk. Woo hoo. 

Before I realized it, two hours had passed. It was a comfortable night. Warm breeze, cold drinks, and a pleasant conversation with a nice guy. The party was still going strong inside, but for a while we hardly noticed it, creating our own little atmosphere on the cramped patio. That is until my boisterous bestie slammed the door open.

“Yooooo Alex, buddy, how’s it goin’?” Jamie and I exchanged a look, realizing that our quiet oasis had vanished.

“Hey Evan. Just catching up with Jamie. How wasted are you?”

He ignored me, of course. “J-man!! What is UP my dawg? Haven’t seen you for like, two years!” Jamie chuckled and reached out a hand in greeting. “Yeah, it’s been a long time. I’m good, been doing some traveling. Working. You know, the usual. How are you? Alex was telling me you’ve been helping him with some photography projects.”

I froze. Oh right. I hadn’t told him yet. I quickly opened up my mouth but Evan beat me to it. “Oh Alex is non-binary now! They didn’t tell you? But yeah, we’re working on this really cool concept…” As he continued rambling, I stealthily glanced at Jamie, looking for a reaction. In particular, a negative one. My heart felt like it could beat out of my chest and I was kicking myself for not mentioning it myself right away. I was a bit annoyed at Evan for outing me but at the same time, it was kinda nice to not have to do it myself. Perks of having an excitable drunk friend, I guess. As for Jamie, he hadn’t really reacted at all. Maybe he hadn’t processed it? Or simply hadn’t heard between the rest of Evan’s incoherency. 

Just as I was starting to relax again, someone called Evan back into the house. He waved enthusiastically at us and bounced right back into the fray, leaving an awkward silence behind. 

“So, you too huh?” 

I nearly choked on my own spit. “W-what?”

“You’re non-binary? Me too. I just came out last year and haven’t really told anyone. Actually, I was just about to mention it when we got interrupted…” 

I blinked in shock. “I...wow. That’s really awesome! So your pronouns are…?”

“I use all of them interchangeably! What about you?”

I felt my ears turning pink. It was a dream come true to be asked that question, but I was also getting a bit embarrassed. They were looking right into my eyes, with a soft and understanding gaze. “I-I use they/them. Thank you for asking.” 

“Of course. Does anyone else know?” she asked, gesturing to the crowd inside. 

“No. It’s not necessarily a secret, I just...have a hard time bringing it up. Even though I know it’d be fine, I just. Get really tired of explaining, you know?”

He nodded. “I get what you mean. It takes a lot of energy, and sometimes people don’t get it. But, it isn’t our job to make them understand. We just have to figure out what’s best for us, and do it. Unapologetically.” 

I gaped at them, my heart stuttering once again. They smiled gently and took my hand in theirs, closing my mouth with the other. “Maybe instead of catching flies with our mouths, we go in and tell them together, yeah?”

I blushed harder, and nodded. “Yeah. Okay, yeah. Let’s do it.”

She grinned back at me, and we entered the chaos once again, hand in hand.