No Mountain to High

She turned around to take a final look at the place she had called home for the past six months.

Her new found friends were all standing waving their goodbye’s. She had done all the hugging earlier. Tears had flowed and promises of ‘keeping in touch’ were said to her. Marni knew there was just one person she would keep in touch with – Jacki had taken her under her wing from the beginning and was a kind and caring friend. The others meant well but she knew in her heart that a lot of them would be back at Mincham House within a few months of leaving.

‘Not me” she thought to herself picking up her bag and waiting for the taxi she could see in the distance, to reach her. ‘I won’t be back. I’m clean now and that’s the way I will stay’.

Climbing into the silver car she sat back, belt on and rubbed her forehead. She could feel a headache brewing and knew it was just the tension and apprehension of leaving her safety net. If it hadn’t been for Mincham House she didn’t know where she would be now. She couldn’t have done it by herself.

She wondered what it would be like to once again see Michael, his reaction. They hadn’t kept in touch, his decision. She knew he had tried so hard with her, and her addictions but in the end told her she had to leave and sort herself out. Now she understood why, then she hadn’t. But always having the belief that when she got herself ‘clean’ they would be back together again was something that kept her going.

A wave of excitement ran through her as she thought of her childhood sweetheart. Her and Michael had met in Grade six at school. She made him laugh and he made her feel safe and secure….and helped her with her English homework! They had just been friends for so long and then one day they both realised that their relationship was changing.

A smile crossed her face as Marni recalled the time Michael realised his feelings had changed to the more serious kind. They had just finished eating a hamburger washed down with a coke when he leaned over and took her hand. “Marni I think I ….” but before he could finish his sentence Marni finished it for him “I think I have mayo on my top lip”! and she laughed out loud.

“Do I?” he asked her wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“All gone now”. Finish what you were saying”

“I’m falling for you in a big way” he blurted out.

“Really? Well, I’ve already fallen for you, in a bigger way!”

They both smiled at each other and held hands across the table. They didn’t say too much more, they didn’t have to.

When they were both at University Marni joined the drama group. It wasn’t Michael’s ‘thing’ but he encouraged her to have fun. He would pick her up some nights after rehearsals and she would come out laughing raucously with her group of fellow actors, see Michael and run to him. “Michael we’re all going to the pub, wanna join us, it won’t be for too long, big exam tomorrow!”

“That’s why I won’t come. You might be confident about tomorrow but I certainly am not, far from it! Do you need me to pick you up later?” he asked

“Oh you’re so sweet Mikey but all good, I’ll get a lift or a cab. See you on campus” She kissed him and ran off to join her friends.

“Michael is so serious, isn’t he? “someone from the group stated more than asked, as they piled into the pub.

“Not really, well sometimes, but he just wants to do well in his exams. When they are over, he’ll be coming out with us for some fun, that’s for sure.

Marni’s family were quite conservative and were delighted when they saw that she and Michael were serious about each other.

“Oh he’s such a lovely boy Marni, we’re so happy for you both. We knew you would end up together one day – it’s only been about twelve years in the making” they laughed.

Michael liked the ‘acting’ crowd, they were fun and you could always be guaranteed of a good time when you were out with them but he worried about the influence they had on Marni. She drank a lot more than she used to and from what her fiancée could see, she wasn’t even aware of it.

“Come on Marni. I think you’ve had enough for one night. Let me get you home, you’ve got work tomorrow morning”. He went to guide her from the bar and towards the door but she shrugged his arm off telling him “You’re not my dad, come on Mikey have another drink and then we’ll go”.

“I actually don’t want another drink  but if you want to stay suit yourself. I can pick you up when you ring or you can get a lift?”

“I’ll get a cab, just a few more drinks” she slurred “then I’m outta here”.

Michael was quite conservative in some ways; he didn’t want them to move in together until they were married. They stayed at each other’s places but not on a permanent basis, so at 1am he rang Marni  to check she was home.

“Yes my guardian angel I’m home” she told him “I’ll see you tomorrow. Night”

He didn’t like it when she got home by herself. He somehow felt a responsibility because after all they were engaged, but he knew if he insisted she come with him, there would have been ‘words’ and he didn’t like that. Last time he tried to steer her out of the pub she said very loudly to one of the ‘gang’ that “sometimes Michael thinks I’m a child” and he felt foolish and embarrassed.

Marni began to frequent the pubs more and more after rehearsals for her plays. It worried Michael as he often got rung up by one of her friends for him to come and pick her up as she was too drunk for a taxi.

Sometimes he thought that she had perhaps had something more than just alcohol by the way she was acting but when she was sober and he broached the subject she always denied it.

He had to believe her and trust her but it was getting more difficult for him.

At the end of year Christmas party for the group, they all went out for a meal and then on to a nightclub for a few more drinks. He could have actually gone home from the restaurant as he wasn’t feeling that well and thought maybe he was getting a migraine.

“Come on Mikey. It’s the end of the year celebration and I want you to come out with us all. Don’t be a ‘stick in the mud’ and relax” Marnie told him loudly, already having had a few drinks.

He crumbled under the pressure but told himself he would just drink soda water – no-one would even know!

The band was really loud, the venue crowded and the atmosphere frenetic but it was fun. Michael had taken a couple of headache tablets at the dinner so his head felt a lot better, and he was enjoying the dancing as much as the next person. He looked around for Marnie after the band stopped for a break – it was so hot inside and he needed fresh air - but he couldn’t see her so went outside anyway.

Pushing and jostling his way through the crowds of noisy sweating people he finally reached the door and stepped out into the fresh air, and as he glanced to his right, he wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing that he had come outside.

Marnie was standing with another couple and he could see the man give something to her whilst looking around shiftily, and she put it in her mouth, took a drink from the glass in her hand, threw her head back and swallowed. The couple left her to go back inside and as they did so, Marnie looked up to see Michael watching her.

“What was that you just took?” he called out to her, plainly shocked.

“Nothing to worry about”. She replied but he walked quickly up to her and took hold of her shoulders. “What was it, Marnie. I mean it”.

“ Get off me It’s just something to help me to relax and have a bit of fun, which is clearly not what you’re doing!”

“I’m going home now. Do you want a lift or not?”

“No I don’t. I thought we were the same age, but I feel like you’re twenty years older, like my dad – you’re just, you’re just….old and I want to enjoy my life!” she replied loudly and stumbled off.

Just as she was about to walk through the doorway, she somehow managed to trip up and sprawled across the floor. “Aaah” she screamed, not knowing what she was going to bang into. Dishevelled and unsteady on her feet she spun around to face the doorway and yelled at Michael “S’all your fault, you’re just an idiot, an old man. Leave me alone”.

Michael couldn’t sleep when he got home but knew that they needed to talk about things – his mind was filled with shock at what Marni had become and he was having doubts about their future together. Her personality was changing and he didn’t like it. She got very angry with him is he tried to intervene with her drinking and could become very aggressive. A couple of times she tried to get physical with him but he turned his back and walked off.

It took until about 3am until he could actually fall asleep.

They met the next day, Saturday at the café closest to them both. He felt sad and she felt hungover still. Her head throbbed from the night before.

“I’m sorry Michael” she started off.

“Can I just ask you one thing Marni?”

“Sure” was her short reply

“Do you recognise that you have a problem? I mean you can never just have a drink; you have to get drunk, and it’s quite a few nights of the week now”. He looked at he dark rings under her eyes and had noticed for a while now that they had lost some of their sparkle.

He felt the need  to hold her hand even though he felt really angry and confused about the future. He rubbed her fingers gently.

“I know I do and with more than just alcohol. I’ve tried to cut back Mikey I honestly have but I just can’t seem to do it. It’s the pills too, I need them. It’s as if they help me to enjoy life”.

“I had my suspicions that you were taking something” he said and thought that if he had confronted her earlier then they might not be sitting here now.

“I had no idea you had pulled out of some of your Unit courses either. John mentioned it the other day. You didn’t tell me “And he wondered what else she hadn’t been telling him.

“I was too hungover a lot of the time and missed so many classes and lectures they ‘advised’ me that I couldn’t continue like this”.

They both sat, with a cup of coffee, not saying anything else, each with their own thoughts. Then Michael spoke.

He looked at her and took a deep breath. “Marnie, I’m not sure how I feel about ‘us’ any more. You’ve changed a lot.

“So have you” she retorted.

“I haven’t changed. We used to hold the same values and enjoy doing things together. You’ve gone in a different direction to me Marnie”.

“Do you want to split up?” she asked with tears in her tired looking eyes.

“No I didn’t say that. But I think we need a break from each other. I think it’s for the best. If you feel the need to change your ways then that’s up to you. I’m going away for a few months to work with my uncle and when I get back, we can see how we feel”.

She felt sad and empty but knew she couldn’t continue spiralling downwards. She didn’t want to lose Michael.

‘I’m sure we will get back together’ she thought ‘we were always meant to be’.

Marni booked herself in a rehabilitation centre. She didn’t want to lose the man she loved because of addictions - he meant more than booze and pills -  and in all of her classes, while doing exercises, talking to counsellor’s and even crying her buckets of tears, Michael was always in her thoughts and was her main motivation to get well again.

All the way in the taxi she thought about what she would say when she first saw him. ‘He should notice a change in my appearance’ she thought. ‘I look so much healthier and my skin is glowing just like it used to’.

After Marni got into her unit, unpacked her case and put it all away, she wandered down to the local supermarket. Her cousin who had been staying in the unit for the past six months had kept it in really good order (better than it was in!) and there were a few staples in the fridge but Marni needed a few extras. It wasn’t far to go and she needed the exercise and fresh air to think about when she should ring Michael and what she should say.

She passed her elderly neighbour who was pottering in her garden and he called out to her “I’ve missed you, Marni. I hope you’re back for good”

“ I am George, no doubt about that”.

She wasn’t sure what she had expected when arriving back, after all it was only six months, but everything looked the same. It was comforting for her that not much had changed and it lifted her spirits to the top rung!

Inside the shop she popped a few packets of crisps into the basket to go with the sparkling water. She felt no desire to pick up any alcohol and knew that right now she was in a very good place.

Walking outside she bumped into a girl she knew from University. “Hi Marni, when did you get back? Lizzy said you were working in London. How was that? Are you back for good? You look great by the way”.

Marni didn’t want to talk, tell lies abut where she had been or anything else so gave the girl the short shift by saying “Oh sorry Jess, I’d love to talk but I’ve just got home and I’m pretty tired. Maybe a coffee next week?” and walked away waving to the other girl.

As she walked quickly along the main street, swinging her shopping basket and deep in thought Marni saw him. At first she decided that it must be someone who looks like him.

Michael was strolling along the footpath on the opposite side of the road with his arm around a petite dark haired girl. She was laughing and smiling up at him, and they looked happy.

Marni darted behind the bus stop and watched them walking. Her heart was beating rapidly and she felt as if she might be sick at any moment. They had passed her now albeit on the other side of the road, so she came out and sat on the bus stop seat and watched as they disappeared down the road.

Then she began to cry and thought that now she knew why her mother never answered her question of ‘have you heard anything about or seen Michael?’

After sitting for a while, late afternoon turned up. It was getting cool. Blowing her nose she thought of the mantra and process she needed to go through when faced with negative situations.

A few people walked by and gave her a funny look as she did her deep breathing and talking to herself out loud. But it didn’t matter what they thought, it was working for her so she stood up, ready to walk home.

Marni couldn’t pretend that she wasn’t sad and very upset that Michael had obviously found someone else…. and she was quite shocked. She felt disappointed, in herself and in him but  knew she couldn’t afford to let any negative thought creep into her mind. It was too soon after leaving Mincham House.

She rang her mum and dad and they came over to keep her company. Sitting talking with them was just what she needed. She knew that life would be a bumpy road and this was the first obstacle to get over but knew she had the tools needed to deal with anything that came along.

They all sat in the lounge, glasses filled with sparkling water, big wedges of lemon floating in them, and a big bowl of crisps.

She smiled and pictured the huge painting on the main wall in the foyer of Mincham House. You couldn’t miss it!

She knew she had scaled that mountain and right now was sitting on the top of it, flag blowing in the breeze with the words ‘ I MADE IT’….written in bold print.