What we used to have

I don’t know why I’m here, he’d tell me to leave if he knew I was. I get a coffee and find a seat in the back corner so I can regret my life choices without anyone watching. I sip my coffee, black, two sugars, and wait for the show to start.

I’m not surprised Emrys is in a band. He always loved music. He sucked too, but success was never a necessity with him. He just did what he loved, unlike me I always needed to be perfect.  

We were so different, It should’ve been a sign. 

Someone gets up on the makeshift stage. There’s a mic, a keyboard and little else. It doesn’t look anything like the band we had. The two-person band that never left my garage. We had fun; just the two of us, fiddling with his guitar and my drums. Playing until the neighbors had had enough.  

I don’t play anymore. It reminds me too much of him. Of what I used to have.                                                                                                                                                      

 All of a sudden he’s on stage, With his lopsided grin and his too long hair. He’s changed a little, but that’s probably because the last time we saw each other was in the eighth grade. When i ruined everything.  

Two other guys join him and after a short introduction they start to play. I don’t hear the words, I’m too busy staring at Emrys. He plays guitar. He always loved the instrument. It’s not the same one he used to have, it’s better. He’s better too. Clearly, he practices more than I do.

The show ends and they get offstage. A girl greets them all with hugs and a few people get up to congratulate them. 

All I can do is watch; I don’t have the courage to do anything else. I would talk to him, if I knew what to say. I don’t think anything I can say now would be able to fix what I did then.

But watching isn’t enough. We’re in the same room. It’s closer than we’ve ever been in years but I can’t help feeling like we’ve never been further apart. He’s worlds away with his friends; talking in their little group, laughing over inside jokes, showing me what I could’ve had. What we used to have.

It's not his fault I’m so alone, It’s mine. I can’t let myself have friends. It’s a luxury I don’t deserve.

It was a day like this. The sun stung our cheeks as we jumped over the fence and into the park. It was small; only a swing set and some monkey bars. That’s why no one bothered going there except us.

The swings creaked in warning as we sat down beside each other. It was falling apart slowly, threatening to crumble and bury us underneath it, just like our friendship was. We were growing out of each other I told myself, all childhood friends do. I knew it wasn’t true. I knew it had been my fault that we never saw each other again, I just hated believing it. 

I sigh as I get up to leave. It’s raining now: I hate water, I sigh again as I try to choose between waiting it out and getting wet. It’s not a tough choice, I’ll wait. Usually I’d go: I hate being surrounded by people, but usually Emrys Lawson is only here in my head. Not right here, walking towards me.

“Heading to the bus stop?” He asks, holding out his umbrella.

For a second it feels as if the floor is pulled out from underneath me.

“Ever heard of social distancing?” I hear myself say as my eyebrow goes up.

I feel like slapping myself on the forehead, of course I’m being a jerk; I must be on auto pilot.

He just rolls his eyes and grins, “ Forecast says it’s gonna be a storm, you sure you wanna wait?”

I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since that day at the park. Waiting for life to hand me a second chance, a do-over. Now I finally have it and all I can do is stare.

“I’d choose wet clothes over a deadly virus any day,” I regret the words the minute I say them but there’s nothing I can do.  

 He rolls his eyes again and shakes his head like he can’t believe me. I can’t believe myself either.

“Suit yourself.” He opens the umbrella. “Pneumonia kills too.”

He lingers in the doorway, the look in his eyes daring me to change my mind. I sigh and step towards him. It's a risk. I know he’ll recognize me at some point, and I don’t want to know what he’ll do once he does, but for once, I take the risk.

“I’m taller than you, let me hold it,” I take the umbrella from his hand and he grins

“You don’t seem like the reckless type,”

“You don’t know me,” I answer hoping I sound convincing

“I’m not so sure about that,” He gives me a thoughtful look, ten smiles again, stepping outside.

The bus stop isn’t far but I can’t help but feel like the silence between us is too heavy. I could say something but I’m scared that if I open my mouth I’ll say something I’ll regret and I don’t want to mess up my second chance.

The bus stop comes into view but it’s too soon. There’s too much that needs to be said. Too much that hasn’t been said.

As if reading my mind, he turns to face me, “Did we used to know each other?”

I know the answer but I don’t know how to say it. 

“I guess that means yes,” He continues,”Because I… I don’t know how to say this but, I had a memory, of us, as kids I think, and… well, I got into an accident and lost my memory a few years ago and… I-I just...”

He doesn’t remember. He doesn’t know. This is really a second chance.

“We were friends,” I answer, ”Best friends at some point.”

“That explains so much, I mean you can’t think I didn’t notice you staring at me-”

“-I wouldn’t say staring,”I stop him, in attempt to preserve my dignity

“Yeah, just looking really hard”

A bus pulls up and he closes the umbrella.

“So… can we talk?”

“Yeah, that’d be nice.”

We quickly exchange phone numbers and he rushes onto the bus waving at me as it drives off. I had managed to convince myself that it was impossible for Emrys and I to ever be friends again. That what I had done was unforgivable. For the first time in years, I started to think that maybe I was wrong.