One by One but There was Never None

TW: Gore, Suicidal Ideation

I awoke with a scream, sweat beading down my cheek and nearly falling into my gaping maw. My hands trembled and even as my eyes were pinched in terror they fervently scanned the dark landscape in front of me. Piles of clothing, trash, a coat rack overencumbered greeted me all in shadow. Nowhere was there blood.

I was in my room. I was back in my room.

I was safe. I was still safe.

My body screamed for a release of tension, a burning off of steam, even as I turned onto my side and closed my eyes once again. My heart, while erratic, was ultimately no match for how my eyes stung with exhaustion and my limbs were too heavy to move reliably. This was not new for me, and if I couldn’t try to sleep once again I may be stuck once more asleep in my classes. In only a moment I was far from home once again, sucked back into the world I had just fought to be free of.

My eyes flickered open looking down at the wooden flooring first, an ornate rug covering most of it, but the cool floorboards still managed to make their texture known. I raised my head and looked at the boarded up window and locked door in front of me, knowing creeping into my chest that the family I had lost were never walking back through it.

To my left my mother stood, embraced in deep sobs by my father and flanked by my boyfriend, who was diligently standing guard, never letting me out of his sight. In front of me and nearly blocking the door, begging to earn a chance at escape from the torment that had befallen us, stood my grandmother.

Her back arched forward as if her head was nearly too heavy to keep up, and her arm was twisted at an odd angle, revealing a fracture that had happened on her last attempt to reach the door. In a flash I remembered how my mother had grabbed her arm so aggressively that bone had snapped. A terrible scream had rattled the log walls, and my cousin had offered to go in her stead. And had never returned.

“You all have so much life left to live, let me be the one to search for a way through them,” she begged, “I am more disposable than you.”

My vision clouded, my throat choking me every time I tried to speak in protest. Not even my hands, no matter how hard I willed them to grip her and hold her down with me, deigned to move, to heed my plea. At that moment, as my will rose, I was removed from the seat behind my eyes and was thrown into the corner of the room. I was relegated to watching from the security camera as my body sobbed silently, joining my mother in inaction. I was powerless to stop her from limping away, unlocking the front door, and walking almost leisurely into the horde. I was utterly powerless to stop her from certain death.

My grandmother’s scream from outside of the house was enough to finally awaken my mother, a frenzy catching her eyes as she sprinted after her mother. My father followed very closely behind, grabbing for her hand to stop her, but ultimately both losing themselves to the grief of losing. My boyfriend shut the door behind them as greedy hands tried to fly in through the precipice. I looked at him, even as the embarrassment of my body stood there, wracked with sobs but otherwise unmoving.

In a second I was back inside her, occupying a position just as powerless as previously. Though now I could scream and wail in my pain. I looked at my boyfriend from my eyes and barely saw him approach through my tears.

“I can get them back for you,” was all he offered.

I shook my head, still unable to formulate any words, but finally capable of reaching out to him and grabbing his forearm tightly. I didn’t want to be alone here. I knew what going outside meant. I knew they would rip him limb from limb, that there was no chance of survival, that once he was out of my grasp he was gone forever.

Still he shook me off and repeated what he had said before, my hands too slick with my tears to keep a steady grip, and my throat too choked to produce a protest. In his eyes I saw desperation and that was the last glimpse I was afforded before he turned and also walked out of the house. I wailed as he left, reaching but never close enough to grab hold of him.

Once he was gone a chill settled over me and I did not close the door behind him. Through the opening I saw the end of my pain in the glint of hungry eyes, their mouths agape as mine was and their chorus of soft moans complimented my wails. I nearly called them to me, begged them to reunite me with all of those who had left. Begging for it all to end.

However in that moment it was as if I had become invisible. Their hands did not reach, their vacant eyes stayed unfocused. I was utterly and completely alone, systematically having seen all of the people I love sacrifice themselves to offer me a better future, and I was immune the entire time. It was I who took the kindness they offered with their lives with inaction and grief and was the one who could have saved them all if I had just tried. If I had just fought through the fear.

I laid down on the ornate rug, letting its scratchy fibers dig into my cheek as the monsters walked around me, utterly indifferent.

Once again I awoke with a start. This time my mouth was clenched, my throat quiet, my pillow soaked by my tears. I was shaking again, though this time not with fright.