Lost Feelings

    Lost Feelings

Suzanne Marsh

I had to get away...I booked first class passage aboard Titanic. I was devasted by the thought that my husband of one year was having an affair with my lady’s maid. I had to get away from England; return to New York City, New York to my family and friends. I began to think of Tom; his blue eyes and black hair. Mother said he was “black Irish” that he was no good. That made me want him even more. The more intimate we became the more determined Mother became to separate us. She wanted me to marry well, just as any Edwardian Mother did. She therefore decided to send me to Miss Potter’s finishing school in England. We fought...she made sure I was on the ship whether that was what I wanted or not. While in England I met and married Sir John Marsden. Mother thought him a good match; he was anything but.

I thought things through, I was leaving. I saw an ad in the newspaper about Titanic. I quickly packed my things. Then I went to the bank and withdrew five thousand dollars. John would never miss me or the money. Without further adieu I took a hack from the Marsden family estate in Willow Park to South Hampton. I alighted from the hack; the ticket tucked safely in my reticule. I was in awe of Titanic, I had sailed on other ships but she was much larger. I handed my ticket upon boarding to the chief steward. He in turn motioned a steward who showed me to my cabin. The cabin, was exquisite with mahogany panels, satin sheets and comforter, heat, a fireplace. It even had a sitting parlor. I had no intention of staying in the cabin. I wanted to stroll the deck, inhaling the salt air. I wanted to regain my life back. Since I was an unescorted lady I would have to find a male to accompany me to dinner.

I heard the whistle blast; we were leaving South Hampton for Queenstown; Titanic’s last port of call before we set sail for the United States. For the first time in a year I felt free to be myself. I had not indulged myself in quite sometime but when I saw a shawl a woman was selling I simply had to have it; so did Madeline Force Astor.

“Madeline, it is so lovely to see you again? Where is JJ?”

“He decided to take Kitty for a walk before she has to go down into the hold again.”

“I am returning to New York. Titanic is certainly lovely. I can even smell the fresh

paint. Will you and JJ be dining in the main saloon or the Parisian Cafe?”

“I truly do not know Millie, would you care to join us in the Cafe for coffee.”

“It would be my pleasure Madeline.”

We parted then; we both had Irish lace shawl. I smiled to myself as I returned to my cabin. Once again the whistle blew and Titanic set sail on her maiden voyage. I was one of the first people to send a telegram from Titanic it was to Mother: ‘coming home on Titanic.’ I could not bear to tell Mother that my marriage to Sir John Marsden was over. I once again began to daydream about Tom Brady. I missed him and I wanted him to return to my life. I stood at the rail of Titanic watching the dolphins. Suddenly I felt an urge to go to the Parisian Cafe. I ordered coffee, sipping the coffee I felt a cold wave of unknowing run through my body. I looked up to see Tom’s face peering down at me:

“Sarah, my God, what are you doing on board. I heard you had married John Marsden.”

“I did I found him in bed with my maid. He saw nothing wrong with having a mistress well

actually more than one. What are you doing here?”

“I am returning to New York I work for JJ Astor.”

“Hmm I see.”

“Would you care to dine with me in the main dining saloon?”

“I would love to Tom. I have thought so much about you since we parted. I am sorry

I ever went to England.”

“Don’t be, then I would never have found you again.”

I sent for a stewardess to aide me in dressing. I wore a simple slimming dress in ivory, ivory heels. I had my hair done in the Gibson style. For the first time in a year I felt that maybe I would find happiness once again. Thoughts of Tom, whom I knew I loved filled my head. I was shaken from my reverie as someone knocked on the door. There stood Tom, so tall and handsome. He offered me his arm as we went to the main dining saloon. The grand staircase was absolutely beautiful. My entrance on Tom’s arm was enticing. Tom saw JJ signal him to come over to their table.

“Tom, glad to see you? Are your accommodations satisfactory?”

“JJ, I am glad you convinced me to go first class. It is elegant.”

Madeline smiled at that. She whispered to me:

“JJ told me he had invited Tom I just did not expect to see you here Sarah.”

“Tom asked me today while we had coffee.”

I was so pleased to be sitting with JJ and Madeline Astor. I was happy that Tom had made something of himself. I just wondered what Mother would have to say about Tom’s success. The next few days on board Titanic were truly the best of my life.

The night of April 14, 1912 was clear and crisp. Tom and I strolled on the main deck after dinner. There was a sudden thunk as ice began to fall onto the deck. Tom and I played in it for a few minutes then returned to the main saloon. Stewards and Stewardess began handing out life jackets. Titanic had hit an iceberg or at least that was the rumor circulating. Tom took two of the life jackets putting one gently on me; the other he put on. Life boats were being lowered from their davits. Titanic began to take on a list. Tom, attempted to put me in a life boat, I would not stay. I climbed back out and into Tom’s arms. I lost sight of Madeline Astor after she was in a life boat. JJ stood on deck with a cigarette smoking calmly.

One of the very last life boats; allowed Tom and I to board together. Tom was needed aide in rowing the life boat. That saved both of our lives. We married upon our return to New York. Mother was very displeased but after surviving Titanic’s sinking...no more lost feelings.