Give Me A Sign Lord!

Paul sat with his eyes closed in his retreat center room, all 40 square feet of it, in prayerful solemn silence.

And then his phone went off.

Hey, I know you got your thing this weekend. I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed our impromptu study session the other day

Paul smiled at the text. 

Me too! Although I don’t know how much studying we got done, lol

No, he thought. This was not the time for this. This retreat was not to focus on the cute girl he met at the library on Thursday. It was to decide how exactly he was going to consecrate his life to God. 

Paul had been considering devoting his life to the Catholic priesthood for a while now. On and off since he was an altar boy, but more so now that his father had passed away. A lot of long nights and honest soul searching led him to this weekend. 

It wasn’t so much if he was going to do it. He had made that decision already. It was more how was he going to do it. Would he be a Jesuit, a Dominican, or a regular diocesan parish priest. Each had their own charismas, their own spiritualities. He had earmarked this weekend for contemplation and discernment; which way did God want him to go.

His phone went off again

Oh, I know. I had to get up extra early to get done today what I needed to the other afternoon

Paul smiled again. 

What can I say? I am a bad influence.

What am I doing? He thought to himself. 

He knew exactly what he was doing. He was flirting with the nerdy, but cute girl he met in the library just 48 hours ago. 

Despite his leanings and affinity towards the metaphysical, philosophy was not his thing; at least not academically. He avoided those classes in university like the plague. He found the skepticism towards reality, cause and effect, really anything and everything unnerving. He found it downright cowardly to be honest. 

I am a doer. I decide and then take action. That’s how God made me. These philosophers, they’re all think and talk. No action. Give me something practical. He had said to his spiritual director. 

But still, all of the paths set before him had at least some kind of philosophy prerequisite, leading Paul to swallow his distaste for the discipline, and re-enroll in his alma mater. Fully committing to it, even if he didn’t like it, saw him in the library late on a Thursday afternoon, where he bumped into a surprisingly solid young lady in glasses. 

LOL. 

Well, as far as vices go, I could do a lot worse than coffee and strange men I meet at the library. 

Three dots almost immediately and then

Now that I think of it … getting coffee with strange men does seem like a risky vice. 

Paul actually laughed out loud. 

They had literally bumped into each other. Paul was in the athletics section, looking for something to read while taking a break from his remedial text on Epistemology. 

‘Oh, I am so sorry.’ He said. The bump was a bit stronger than he expected from the 5’4 bespectacled brunette before him. 

‘It’s alright.’ Jenny said, adjusting her glasses. ‘It’s my fault, I wasn’t watching where I was going. 

‘I’m afraid I wasn’t watching where I was going either.’

‘Well, if you insist on apologizing, it should be for being a Man U fan.’

He followed her eyes to the book he was holding, a biography on Sir Alex Ferguson.

‘A City fan then I presume. Well, that would make sense given your inability to see straight.’

Jenny wasn’t just a soccer fan, she was an active player. She played fullback on the collegiate team at the university. That explained her giving as good as she got bumping into Paul’s larger 6’2 frame. She didn’t quite fit in with the other girls on the team though, more inclined to study and coach peewee soccer than go out partying after a game. She was nearing the end of her time at the school, and much like Paul, did not really know what she was going to do with herself for the rest of her life. 

All of this he learned over the next four hours. They talked about soccer, school, life, everything. The rapport was immediate, and the connection deep. They had exchanged phone numbers, if for no other reason than to keep in touch over soccer and to tease the other when their soccer team loses. 

His phone buzzed again. Two minutes had passed as he remembered their encounter. 

‘I shouldn’t leave her on ‘read’’ he thought

Well, hopefully I got less strange the more we got to know each other

He waited for a response. One did not come right away. He found himself somewhat disappointed. 

‘Maybe that’s for the best’ he thought. This was supposed to be a silent retreat. Although texting did not technically break the rules, it definitely was not in the spirit of what he was trying to do here. What he was here to do was be honest with himself about who he was and what he wanted to do. 

‘Well,’ his inner voice said to him, ‘if you want to be honest with yourself, you can start with the fact that you like this girl. Despite the frustration you are feeling with yourself, deep down inside, you wanted her text. You wanted to keep talking with her, even though you have set yourself out on a path that would preclude any relationships like this at all. 

He let that sink in a little bit. It hurt, but it was the truth. He had dated before, all throughout his undergrad. But he hadn’t felt a connection … an attraction like this before. It wasn’t just physical, although she was really cute despite trying to hide it. It was intellectual and emotional, and hard to describe. 

But that wasn’t on the agenda for this weekend. This was supposed to be where God would let him know the path he should walk down. Not doubting whether he had been going down the right one all along. 

He checked his phone again. She hadn’t texted again. Just three dots. Probably just forgot to erase something. 

She probably didn’t even feel the same way as him. She probably just was looking for a friend, a soccer rival. A girl as awesome as that probably had more than a few guys on the hook. He had told her his situation and what this weekend was all about. She probably saw him just as a friend. Someone who was safe that she didn’t have to worry would hit on her one day. This made him feel sad and strangely dejected. 

As he sat in silence, he allowed himself to feel all of these emotions. He felt frustration, doubt and uncertainty. The path ahead of him didn’t feel clear at all as it had in the past. If anything, it felt more muddled and confused. A part of him even felt skeptical that consecrated and celibate life was even for him. 

Finally, he broke his silent retreat.

‘God, please, just tell me. Give me a sign. What should I do, which way should I go?!’ He whispered

His phone buzzed. 

I’m sorry, I know I am bothering you during your big weekend. I’m not normally like this, but I really enjoyed our time together on Thursday, in a way I haven’t with someone in a while. I like you … and I think we should hang out again.