Chained

The diamond sparkles on my neck, reminding me of the day we consummated our relationship. We sat underneath the veil of night, atop a domed hill blanketed in grass and soot, sealed away from the obligations of the outside world. Beneath us, the city rumbled to life, but out there, under the influence of natural nothingness, urgency had ceased to exist. I was content to sit in agreeable stillness, to watch the blue moon waltz behind the clouds, but you had other plans.

You stared into my lovestruck eyes and reflected on the last six months of our lives: a short span of time that was just long enough to bridge the gap between interest and infatuation. You complimented the beauty not only of my features, but of my character. You called me graceful and genuine and your voice nearly wavered when you told me that I reminded you of your mother. You saw her spirit resurrected in my smile, in my intellect and in my humor. There had never been another woman in your life that had admired you so deeply, who had loved you so unconditionally.

You never wanted to lose me is what you said without saying it. The romantic flicker in your eyes communicated that for you, setting the reservation in my heart ablaze. Without warning, you issued issued three words that changed everything for us, three words that transformed fantasy in reality, ideas into plans.

As we kissed, you reached into your pocket, revealing a little black box. My eyes widened in suspense as you opened it, showcasing the tangible token of your love for me. As you decorated my neck with a gift you had surely worked all summer for, I smiled, wholeheartedly believing that I was glaring into the dark stare of my soulmate.

On the high of our love, we made the decision to move in together. It was an impulsive conclusion that lacked sustainable logic, but held the intrigue of any honeymoon phase. Our journey began in a modest studio apartment on a tree-lined street in the business district. We smiled willfully at each other as we decorated our new home in hand-me-down furniture and accents from our local thrift store. We fought against my parents' warning and the harsh awareness of commitment, the dwelling of a challenging future. In our blissful state of ignorance, nothing mattered but the innocence of the love we shared. Suspended in our childlike dreamscape, we camouflaged our hardships and veiled our differences. We weren't perfect, but we were perfect for each other.

In the beginning, I found a keen sense of comfort in my delicate safety blanket that rested on my collarbones. It was a constant reminder that I belonged, that I was guarded in an ever-changing world that twirled around me, undisturbed. I'd feel invincible as I would stand before a full length mirror and see your caring spirit sparkle in the glass.

But over time, the visual reminder was no longer enough. As we exchanged our adolescence for adulthood, our responsibilities increased, and the time we were able to spend together lessened. Although we lived together, our paths rarely crossed, and when they did, they lacked the intimacy that was present just a few short months before. You were making a life for us is what you said. When you finally received your business degree, an achievement that you had worked tirelessly for, you accepted a job on the other side of town. I was elated at the time, not realizing that when agreed to your new prestigious job, you were also agreeing to a change in persona. As you admired your appearance in the mirror, dressed in a satin suit, you boasted of all of the things you would provide for us. There was pride in your eyes as you envisioned all of the extravagant gifts that you would buy and all of the worldly vacations that we would embark on. And I would do my best to force a smile, ignoring my fear that our commitment would cease to be enough for you in the midst of your new, exciting life.

A few months later, when our bank account began to build, we upgraded from our studio to a gorgeous loft in the beating heart of the city. But although I had gained a more beautiful life, I felt as though I was losing the familiarity that I had become accustomed to. In time, you began agreeing to business trips. On those nights, I'd caress my necklace and run my fingers along the braided silver. Upon your long awaited return, you would slip into bed without kissing me goodnight. You said you didn't want to wake me, and I believed you, re-adjusting the diamond on my chain. And then there were days when my simple acts of service went unacknowledged. The coffee on the counter went cold, the sweet notes in your car went unread. But then my love for you would feel heavy on my neck, and I'd will my reservation into compassion, into a benign understanding that you were busy shouldering the weight of a full work week.

However, it was the nights that the suitcase never left that filled my heart with dread and my head with questions. You'd tell me that you were working late, that the office was demanding more of your attention, and you didn't have the time for something as simple as a sit-down dinner. On the worst nights, I'd stare through our front window, finding comfort in the reflection of my diamond shining in the glass.

Last night, though, tore my last remaining shreds of longing to nothingness. You came home carrying the scent of another. I laid with my back to you in our dark bedroom weeping quietly. You slept, unaffected, while I held onto my silver chain so tightly that my fingers nearly bled.

When I woke this morning, you were dressed in your best suit. It was for a work function, an excuse that had become your regular. You looked at me as you delivered the last lie you would tell me and I smiled genuinely, conveying an artificial display of honesty. With your hand on the doorknob, you urged not to wait up for you. A moment later I nodded and watched you walk out of the door for the last time.

As you drove toward an unbounded oblivion, I reached for my necklace one last time. I strummed my fingers along the tousled chain and held it for a moment. My eyes welled with tears as I undid the clasp.